New baby, can't cope

[CaringForPod]

Hi,

After months of wanting this baby, I had my son five days ago. However, I'm really struggling to cope. I have a history of mental health problems and am getting extra home visits, but I'm beginning to feel like this was some terrible mistake. This makes me feel awful and that I don't deserve to be a mother.

I'm trying to be strong for my husband, because he's finding it really hard too. I already take citalopram and than mirtazapine for sleeping.

I'm having real problems feeding him enough from the breast and expressing god knows how many times per day to top him up via bottle is exhausting me. Last night was terrible, sleep wise. He just wouldn't settle, except sitting on me, which meant I couldn't sleep. As soon as we put him in his moses basket he just started up again. Husband drove out to the 24hr Tesco at midnight to buy a dummy to see if that would pacify him. It does, until it falls out. I hate that we've resorted to a dummy after such a short time, and again, feel like I've failed as a mother.

I'm considering using formula, but yep, I feel like a failure. I have the resources to feed him naturally, but I just can't cope with the whole process taking 1 1/2 hours and then having to start again around 30 minutes later. I wish there was some medical reason I couldn't bf, then I wouldn't feel so bad.

I feel awful about the racket he's causing for the neighbours.

I can't help but feel that I don't deserve him. I do love him, but sometimes I wish things were different and that makes me feel so sad.

I was referred to the local mental health team during pregnancy and have an appt next week, but that's just one more thing stressing me out at the moment. I just want to rest.

Sorry, this is really just me getting things off my chest. It's so much easier to do anonymously.

[RitaMorgan]

The early days are TOUGH, it isn't just you.

Could you co-sleep? Will the baby settle next to you in bed?

There's nothing wrong with using formula, but maybe it would be a good idea to get some expert breastfeeding help first? The NCT breastfeeding helpline is 0300 330 0771 - they might be more clued up than midwives.

[Jemma1111]

First of all you are NOT a failure!

Becoming a parent is absolutely exhausting for any new mum so please don't worry that you are not doing well. I couldn't BF my babies and also felt like you do at the time, but as long as my kids were fed they weren't bothered where the milk was coming from.
I also gave my kids dummies as they were great comforters!

It won't be this hard for ever I promise and I'm sure one day soon you will feel alot more relaxed and enjoy being a mum!

[mookle]

Am sure those with better advice than me will be along soon but couldn't leave your message unanswered.

You are not a failure. Babies are really hard. My gut reaction is FF. Sometimes it's better that you are rested - I took the decision to FF for this very same reason.

Please don't think you are a failure, you are not.

[CaringForPod]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. I'm typing this in tears as I feel awful. It's good to know I'm not alone.

Co-sleeping would be great, but I take tablets to help me sleep (though they're not exactly working at the mo), so have been told not to in case of accidental injury, or worse. This just makes me feel even more helpless.

My gut instinct is to formula feed, but I just feel like I've lost control on everything. Right from the word go, when I had to be induced and had an epidural for the pain as I couldn't move around or have a water birth (as I had hoped) as I was attached to a drip. So, I felt like I'd let myself down. Then resorting to dummies and now thinking about ditching bf-ing too.

I've got a clinic appointment at the hospital tomorrow - they're seeing me every day, but they just tell me to keep trying to feed him naturally. Only one person I've seen has acted as if giving formula isn't like feeding him poison. I've kind of glossed over things with them, as it's hard to tell people how I really feel. I'm ashamed of it really.

As I said, my husband is finding it hard, and him seeing me upset makes him upset, which upsets me further, if that makes sense. So I try to be honest, but seeing how it affects him makes me shut up.

Anyway, thank you again for your kind words. I really appreciate them and, like I said, it's good to know others have got through it.

[RancerDoo]

To be honest a lot of the things you've written could have been written by any new mother, history of mental health problems or not. I don't have a history of mh problems, but found myself very weepy and low on day 5 and again when my babies were 2-3 weeks old. It's tiredness, being overwhelmed and some shockingly powerful hormones.

Can you post your area on here? I think you might really benefit from a visit from a decent breastfeeding bod (if you want to keep going), and maybe someone can recommend one. The expressing etc really sounds exhausting, so if you could cut that out would it help?

Do not for a second beat yourself up about the dummy. I believe the current SIDS advice is to use one, so it is definitely not a point against you!

Also, is your baby swaddled at night? I found it a real help in being able to put my two down without them waking. Not all babies take to it, but it can be beneficial.

I know it's something of a cliche, but this will pass. It can be so hard in the beginning and it is important to go easy on yourself. There are, IMO, very few absolute "rights" or "wrongs" in parenting. Things you do now - choosing a dummy, deciding how to feed your baby - might seem big right now but in no time at all they won't matter a jot.

[CaringForPod]

Thank you RancerDoo.

I've tried swaddling, but he still manages to wriggle out. And thanks for the SIDS/dummy info, that makes me feel better.

I'm in Oxford, and there is a clinic at the JR hospital, but I've just reached a point where I don't think I can do much more of this. Part of me wants to keep going as it's the 'right' thing to do and I do have the milk. But another part of me is just simply exhausted and doesn't have the capacity to keep up this arduous cycle. It just makes me sad, as I very much want to do things as naturally as possible.

We have both sets of family visiting tomorrow, plus a hospital appt, and I'm already stressing about when I'm going to fit in my expressing.

I'm now going to (try) and sleep on things and talk to the midwife in the morning.

Thank you again.

[KnockedUpMell]

when I was pregnant I had a zillion resolutions- 1. I wouldn't have an epidural, 2. I would have a normal labour, 3. I'd use cloth nappies, 4. I'd use a sling instead of a buggy, 5. I'd co-sleep, 6. I'd breastfeed, and 7. I'd not use a dummy.

I ended up having 1. an epidural for pain and 2. emergency c/s, 3. absolutely HATE using cloth nappies, 4. love the sling, but have also bought a buggy as it's a heck of a lot easier, 5. we co-sleep but have also bought baby a hammock to sleep in as sometimes I just want to stretch out in bed, 6. we are still breastfeeding, but it's bloody hard work, and I came close to giving up sooooo many times, and 7. the dummy has been a godsend!

I felt really disappointed in myself too for not sticking to most of my resolutions, but I think the reality is that as first time mums, we really don't know what we are getting ourselves into or how easy / difficult our babies will be. all our resolutions are only valid for the scenarios that we had imagined, but when the reality is so different to what we had imagined, sometimes we just need to back up on those resolutions and make different ones. it doesn't make us failures, it just means that we are taking a different stance based on being better informed on the situation.

I do think that for your own peace of mind you need to feel you have tried everything you can to stick to the resolutions that you feel are important to you before giving up, and that way if you do have to give up, at least you feel you tried your best. I guess practical solutions may be a co-sleeper cot, so baby is within arm's reach, getting your DH to do the night time nappy changes / take turns to hold baby in your arms so he sleeps, if you are able to express, again take turns to feed (so you should get a couple of hours sleep at least if your DH does alternate feeds and nappies with you.) you could consider a ring sling- youtube has great videos on how to feed in a ring sling, so you could attach baby, and then you'd be hands free, and could nap on the sofa while baby feeds.

The first few weeks were a distant haze of sleep deprivation, incredibly painful breastfeeding and days when the baby would NOT sleep at all, and cried day and night. By the end of 2w, I thought I would get PND, and got my mum to come stay with us, so she could take the baby off my hands during the day, and I just fed him in the day and did all the night time care.

Things do get better with time. It's easy to get hung up on little things like how you feed your baby, and whether you use a dummy or not, but the reality is that regardless of whether you FF and use a dummy, your baby will be absolutely fine! It's far more important for baby to have a mum who loves and cares so much for him and it's obvious from your post that you do.

[RitaMorgan]

The expressing does sound really exhausting, but if you can get back to breastfeeding directly it'll be a lot easier.

I found it pretty exhausting at first, despite my ds being badly jaundiced and sleeping loads I had to wake him for feeds every two hours, each feed took an hour or more, then barely a break til the next feed. 2 weeks was definitely the lowest point for us, DP and I were zombies! But it does get better and easier, almost without you noticing.

[scottishmummy]

ok,so deep breath.it is hard having new baby,we all find it hard
its good youre getting extra visits and you already have allocated team,do they have an out of hours/duty system you can call?
you maybe need to break this down into individual issues,get a bit of clarity.less overwhelming

crying baby.if you're not familiar with it,it is stressful and noisy esp if you tired too

your experiences,thoughts and feelings so far

feeding,see what support mv and hv can offer before you decide how to proceed.they can recommend diff strategies,tips,stuff to support you breast feeding. but if you do use formua dont beat yourself up about it.again you wont be first or last mum to do so

how to maybe not be so self critical- you're not 1st mum to use dummy and hey wont be the last.plenty babies use dummies
emphasising your undeserving side,as opposed to just being good enough mum,maybe is too critical and adding more stress

you need team who know you,to chat to you. the appointments add a structure,a space to be listen to and tackle what on your mind. do tell them everything eg mood,thoughts,what a typical day is like

sleep when can.take any help offered

remember eat well,if cant face meals then just small and often and do maintain contact with team

and remember we all struggle with a new baby

and good luck

[kd73]

Many congratulations Caring, despite your concerns you are doing amazing. Looking after a new born is absolutely exhausting and the fact that you have managed to bf for 5 days is fabulous, you have given him an amazing start so well done.

As a breastfeeding peer supporter I heartily recommend you finding a local group who will be able to offer support and friendship. As Rancer says though, I would put the expressing to one side for the moment, just concentrate on feeding your baby as you wish. BF is tough, but gets easier honestly. For me I used to set targets for myself, could you get to day 6? what about day 7 then you have managed a week. Thats how I achieved a year of bf!!!!.

Do not dwell on your delivery, its not called Labour and passed to the women for any old reason. In time, you will come to accept that you didn't get the experience you wanted but the outcome was positive, you delivered a beautiful and much wanted baby boy.

How is he taking to a dummy? I have 2 boys the eldest (2.5) loves his dummy the youngest (5months) still will not entertain a dummy despite being offered one from about a week. I would not force a dummy if he doesn't like it as it does come with its own set of problems as my eldest would routinely wake during the night and needed a dummy to settle, hence we would woken to find the dummy and that can still happen now.

You have done so well, your hormones will be raging. Cry, cry, cry thats ok. Particularly with my first baby, I cried until I thought my heart would break and my DP would find me hiding in corners as I tried to conceal my distress. My problem was that I thought I was doing a terrible job, I was a terrible mum and had just made a terrible mistake. Now I realise I am a good enough mum with 2 little boys who adore me and soon your little boy will adore you to.

Good luck and remember babies just need clean bottoms, feeding and a lot of love.... the rest its immaterial and whatever decisions you make by bf for 5 days you've given him a great start!

[Iggly]

First of all congratulations.

Second of all, it is hard. Your baby wants to be near you and BF takes forever. I remember all of this. DS slept on us for a long time! He did have silent reflux though which contributed.

One minor point - you should wait 20 mins before trying to put your baby down and try sitting on the Moses basket mattress to warm it up a little too. (babies take about 20 mins to fall into a deep sleep).

Can your DH help in the day, let you rest for an hour at a time?

Also don't feel like a failure if you give formula. I'd speak to a BF counsellor - your HV might have details of a local one, otherwise you can ring the NCT for free. They can advise you on feeding etc.

[haudyerwheesht]

Poor you.

I felt very similar when dd (now 7m) was little. She's my second so I felt like I should know better! She had a dummy (which I always hated, but even now she rarely uses) at a few days, I started mix feeding very early and I felt soooooo guilty not least because I bf ds much longer and I felt like I was being unfair to her and mustnt love her enough.

It was a load of hormonal induced bollocks! I love dd more than life itself and that's it. I love her, she loves me as much as a 7m old can. It isn't about being a perfect mother - no-one is that. Non-one. - its about being good enough and in the early days its about getting through the days imo. One day you'll realise that today was a bit better than yesterday, then the same will happen the next day and so on.

Of course, with your history of mental illness you're very wise to get help whenever and however you need it. However, don't catastrophise this - like someone else said - this isn't necessarily about your mental health its just normal new mum stuff.

Oh and imo I don't deserve my kids because they are so unfeasibly lovely and perfect and just pure but I do deserve them because they're mine and I love them.

[sarararararah]

Your thread came up in active convos and I'm not sure what made me click on it as I am totally unqualified to comment on MH issues having no experience of them. But, I wanted to let you know that almost all of what you have written in your OP is exactly how I felt too in the early days. It is pretty normal I think, even without MH problems.

It's worth bearing in mind that day 5 is classic hormone overload time as your milk comes in properly so this may be having some impact on how you feel. I remember sitting at my Mum's house with tears pouring down my face on day 5, telling my DH to get me out of there so she wouldn't see!

BF is very hard work in the early days but if you decide to stick with it, it will get easier and probably very soon. Can you get some BF advice so that feeding is more straight forward and you don't have to express as well as BF? Would that make life easier? Neither of mine would settle, other than on me, at first either. My husband also made middle of the night trips to the supermarket for a dummy, despite both of us being very anti, in desperation. Although that didn't work either!

Some tips to help him settle in his moses basket...

1. A fleecy blanket underneath him. I think this was nice and cozy and 'tricked' them in to thinking they were on me.
   
2. Make sure he's properly asleep before you try and transfer him. Try the "floppy arm test". If you pick his arm up and it flops down without disturbing him, then he's in a deep enough sleep to try and move him.
   
3. When you put him in his moses basket bend over it so that your arms stay around him as you put him in. Hold him like that for a minute or so, then ease yourself out a little - not all the way. If he stirs just stay there until he stops - or rock gently until he stops. Then ease out a bit more and repeat until you are free! (Does that make sense?! It's really hard to put in writing!)
   
4. Try white noise. There's a white noise app for iphone would you believe! We just left it on all night in the early days with DS (now 6 mths) as we found it helped us sleep too!
   

Could your husband co-sleep if you can't? When I really couldn't get them to settle I had them on my side and they were next to the edge. My husband couldn't have got anywhere near them as I was in the middle so you won't be able to either if he does that. They don't mind which of you they sleep on I think.

I promise it will get better and probably very soon. It's so hard to see that at the beginning, especially with your first. When you have your second you have the advantage of knowing that it all sorts itself out and it really is just a phase. I found this impossible to see when I was in the thick of it with dd (now 3).

You are so not a failure as a mother. Everyone finds it hard at the beginning, I'm sure of it. I totally understand the feeling of not wanting to give formula. For me, my own measure of success as a mother was whether I BFed or not and I had a lot of external pressure to BF from family too. I introduced formula with DS much earlier than with DD as I decided I wouldn't express again - I was happy to BF but found expressing very stressful. I wish I'd "given in" with DD as it would have made life so much easier.

Please try not to feel like a failure. All of us can only do the very best that we can in the circumstances that we are in. If you decide to FF or top up with FF then that is the best decision for you. I'm sure your lovely DS won't mind and 10 years from now you'll look back and wonder why it was such a hard decision!

Sorry, I seem to have written an essay! I hope some of it helps and be kind to yourself. Congratulations on your DS by the way!

[sarararararah]

I have also massively cross posted as Tesco delivery came in the middle of me typing!

[newbroom]

I seem to remember day 5 being the absolute lowest point for me, hormones wise, I genuinely wanted to take the baby back to hospital and leave him there, I was so convinced I'd made a terrible mistake having him. It gets easier, really it does - I think by about 4 weeks I started to feel a bit more human and by 3 months I even started to enjoy being a mum. (Now DS has hit the terrible twos I'd happily sell him to the monkey house but that's a different story!! ) I'm near Oxford (Witney), feel free to PM me if I can help at all.

[sleepingsowell]

I think everyone on day 5 feels they've made a terrible mistake! I very clearly remember thinking 'this is the worst thing I have ever done'.....within three weeks, I promise it felt like the BEST thing. The very early weeks are chaos for EVERYONE.

Please don't keep quiet about how you feel because you can see how hard your husband is finding it. YOU are the one who has been through pregnancy and birth, with all the profound hormonal and emotional changes that entails, and it's you who has some mental health problems too at a very hard time; HE needs to look after you now - he needs to step up to the plate and even cover up a little if he's finding it hard - it's his job to look after you. So don't be too easy on him please!

I am a very attachment-parenting hippy type person and I ended up knocked out for a general to have DS by caesarean, and for many reasons didn't breastfeed - very much not what I ever thought my experience would be. However it's all precious to me, because it's MY story and my experience of bringing my amazing DS into the world. It really doesn't matter how it happens (although it's still good to acknowledge your own disappointments around it) and if you decide not to breastfeed, please don't agonise about it. You and your baby will be fine either way. It is not a failure. Sometimes you jjust have to be a little robust - "I would have liked to but it didn't work out" simple as that.

Don't judge yourself as a mother based on this stuff. From the great distance of having an 8 year old (!) I can see what a TINY part of motherhood, is this period after they're born with all it's agonies over how you birthed/fed. It will diminish in time in importance so try to take the long view.

All the best - take care of yourself, and ensure that DH of yours takes care of you too x

[surfandturf]

Hi there, I couldn't let your post go without commenting as I could've written your post a few years ago and I have no history of MH problems.

Having your first baby is completing overwhelming!

I really wanted to BF and ended up FF within the first 5 days. I too felt like a complete failure as a mother. My Ds is now 5 and he is fine! Although FF wasn't a miracle cure it certainly took some pressure off me and allowed me and DH to do more sharing at feeding and trying to get a good amount of sleep which really helped!

I also know exactly what you mean about worrying what other people think! I used to feel terrible if I was out in public and DS cried. I would do everything I could both at home and when out and about to stop him from crying as soon as possible. Sometimes babies just cry and anyone who has had a baby will understand that! If you can get your head around this and accept that some things are out of your control it will ease some of the pressure you oput on yourself! Please don't feel bad.

The fact you care so much to post and are upset about this just proves what a great mum you are and will continue to be! Best wishes xxx

[PatTheHammer]

Congratulations on your new DS!
Loads of good adice on here, most importnantly don't feel like a failure about the birth, he is here now and it really doesn't matter how he got here as he certainly won't remember it.
Please try and relax and take care of your self in these early days and I would echo what otheres say about talking to a peer supporter or feeding adviser, there are people available over the phone.
FWIW I was told not to express until breastfeeding was established, I think its very hard for some people and can add a much greater pressure. I never managed to express more than a few ounces despite feeding DD for 6 mths and DS for 18mths in the end. I also used dummies with my first DD and it really is no big deal, it does help to settle some babies who are a bit 'sucky' othere just don't need or like it.

Have you got any close family/friends that can come and stay and help out so you can just stay in bad and feed etc? Much better than popping in for 'visits' are the guests that come and do laundry/cook meals/clean your bathroom. My lovely sister did all of that for me when my DH went back to work, she stayed a week and it was bliss!

Also, please try not to worry about the neighbours, I am sure they can't hear a thing!

[breatheslowly]

Congratulations. I could have written much of what you have when my DD arrived 8 months ago. I don't have your history of MH issues, but all of this hit me, much like it hits others. Nothing can prepare you for your first baby and in other circumstances if your body had gone through something like induction, labour etc then you would be advised to rest for at least 2 weeks, but when a baby arrives you are expected to just get on with it.

The early weeks and months were a real mix of emotions - "was it all a mistake", "if I could go back and not have her would I?", "have we ruined our lives". I think much of this is because, unlike any other decision in life, having a baby is completely irreversible and entirely your own choice. Which makes it both daunting (being irreversible) and feel guilty about questioning (as you chose to do it).

It is also a weird experience because you think beforehand that you will be able to make decisions and stick to them - dummy, where to sleep, how to feed, how to give birth - but actually this is partly an illusion (and the illusion is not dispelled by anyone in advance). My DD was going to be BF, in a sling, co-sleeping, weaned at 6 months onto home cooked food only, we would be going for long walks every day and she would be in a sling for me to do housework (I think I thought I would turn into a breastfeeding Mary Poppins on her arrival). Of this the only thing that turned out to be the case is the co-sleeping and that is probably because she liked it, not because it was what we had planned. I tried quite hard to get her to take a dummy, but she wouldn't and now sucks her thumb, so perhaps she would have been better off with a dummy, but she is happy so it doesn't matter. Again this is quite an unusual experience as in the rest of your life you are able to make decisions and stick to them if you want to, but when you have a baby you have no idea about what a tiny individual you have and how you need to adapt to them rather them to you.

I was enormously helped when my DD arrived that I wasn't hung up on BF her. I wanted to BF and gave it a good shot, but one of my friends is a paediatrician and told me before DD arrived that it wasn't worth getting hung up on and if it doesn't work out then not to worry about it and get on with FF. In the stress of everything, it was such a relief to FF her and remove the issues around feeding from a very complicated mix of problems. It really allowed me to bond with her as I no longer dreaded her waking up for a feed. I found that all of the HCP that I came into contact with after I switched were fully supportive of my decision and there was no reason for them not to as there was no going back anyway. I wouldn't advise you either way (though if you want to continue to BF then then do look for support). But I would say that if you do make the decision to FF then take a mental snapshot of the circumstances of your decision and then don't look back without remembering this.

Also I do remember it being really hard on DH - I think he had to grow up enormously in a very short space of time (and I don't mean to belittle DH in this). Don't be afraid to sit together and weep, I am so glad that I was open with my DH about my feelings and I know it was very tough for him, but I have more confidence in him now that I have seen how we got through it together. Do make sure that he has someone else he can talk to about things as I imagine that he will be trying not to upset you but is upset to see you so upset.

For what it is worth, my DD is a brilliant baby. She clearly loves me and DH, she is bouncy, happy and sociable. And all of this is with the same sort of start as your DS. And she has turned out like this despite the formula, despite spending about 3 months doing nothing with her (except holding her, a bit of singing and meeting her physical needs).

Good luck and take all the help you can get and ask for more if you need it.

[RunningUphill]

oh poor you. this thread brought those first few days back to me with a WHAM.

you will get through this, though it might not seem like it right now. your baby is tiny and still learning along with you. it's a journey to take together, which will be marvellous and terrifying in turn. have faith in yourself. nobody knows your baby better than you do. you are bonded by skin and blood and smell and taste and although you don't have faith in yourself this will change. just give it time.

when i had my first daughter i was terrified. she was breach, so i had to have a caesarian and felt that i'd let her down. then i couldn't produce enough milk so i had to give her formula while i expressed milk for six weeks, on an industrial-looking machine while the health visitor came every other day to weigh her and warn me that she was losing weight and if i didn't get more into her she'd have to go to hospital and be put on a drip.

meanwhile she was yelling all night after a week the teenage girl next door yelled ''SHUT UP!!" through the wall at me in the wee small hours and i just wanted to shoot myself. my husband was completely floored, so went back to work and behaved as though nothing had happened.

i couldn't tell you when i realised we were going to be fine. it happened gradually. but it happened. one day i woke up and realised that she'd slept for four hours straight and was into a feeding routine. then she smiled at me. take it hour by hour. you are so very new to this. seek help when and where you need it we all did but don't give up on yourself.

thinking of you.

[sarararararah]

How was last night Caring?

[voodoomunkee]

Congratulations, I really do not have anything earth shattering to add to the excellent posts others have written, I just wanted to add my support. I didnt bf DS and did manage to bf dd for a month, then I was physically and mentally too drained to manage any more. Once I accepted that and realised as many others have said, that in the grand scheme of things this is not the be all and end all, I felt great. My dd settled as well. She slept better and I didnt feel like I was literally a milk machine. Do what is best for you as this will most likely be best for your ds as well. You can do this and you will get through this. Take the help when offered and look back on each day as another step forward. Congratulations again, you sound like a fab mummy who is genuinely trying to do her best for her newborn and that, in itself, is fantastic x

[LittleWhiteWolf]

Caring, I'm just outside of Bicester so if you ever feel the need to get out of the house for a coffee or whatever, let me know!

I also struggled after my daughter was born. I suffer with anxiety although it had been dormant for years when she was born, and I kept it quiet from the midwives in case they decided I would get PND--seems crazy now, that I did that. I breastfed, but in the hospital they gave her about 30mls of formula and I felt like a failure. After that I really struggled and got 2 bouts of mastitus, which was hellish. I started mix feeding, but it became clear that DD prefered the ease of the bottles and finally I gave up, because it was really affecting my bond with her.
Looking back there are things I might have done differently, but I don't regret choosing to FF after all that. My relationship with my daughter improved and I stopped feeling resentful that I wasn't good enough. I fed her my milk for 8 weeks. Well done me. And Well done you for feeding for as long as you have. Every little helps, think of it like that rather than breast is best (that slogan nearly defeated me )

If you want to keep trying with the breast feeding you could try a baby cafe? They're in Oxford, Bicester and Banbury that I know of and are a great place to meet fellow new mums.
I went to an early baby group in Bicester just after DD turned 8 weeks and that was the best thing. Meeting other mums who were in the exact same boat as me was just what I needed.

Wow, what a load of waffle.I hope there's some helpful words in there somewhere. Keep talking to us x