Continuation 3

[Habbibu]

If required - apologies to posters for whom this doesn't make sense, it's just a continuing support thread.

[lelarose]

I have been in touch with the MBU. The woman was worried about me so she called the crisis team and a guy just called me and asked if I was going to harm myself.

I said I cant because I have a child to look after and he said right ok then I'll call the MBU back and tell them you are safe.

So there you go. That was that.

[QuickLookBusy]

Well done for phoning them, thats such a big step. It sounds a pretty crap response that you got from the crisis team.

Do you think the MBU might be in contact, I really hope so.

Well done again for phoning them

[lelarose]

No they wont be in touch, they have covered their responsibilities.

If you dont have much experience of mental health services it is comforting to think they will help when someone feels like this. The reality is however that the crisis people will only intervene if you are threatening to commit suicide there and then.

I was thinking of asking my neighbour to watch ds while I contemplated taking an overdose, but she isnt in. Plus how can I let dp come home to that? So- I cant kill myself, there is no way out and there is also no help available to me.

I have tried to play with ds but I cant I'm just staring at the wall and letting him watch the tv.

Have text my best friend again but no response. This is the worst I have ever felt in my life by a long long way.

[QuickLookBusy]

Oh Lela I'm so sorry, It is disgraceful that no one is there to help you today, I'm so shocked that you called for help, and they aren't going to give you any. Will you beable to phone your Gp tomorrow, and let him/her sort out help for you?

Don't worry about DS watching TV, as long as he is well fed, warm and you are there with him, he won't mind.

Keep remembering that everyone here thinks you are fantasitic, we really do. I can't imagine what you are going through, but you still thinking about your ds and dp.

When is dp coming home?

[lelarose]

he'll be home this evening. this is the first time I have felt like I really cant cope with looking after my son because I'm so depressed. I cant leave the house and I have NO ONE to turn to.

Ds is crying now and I am just paralysed I try to help him but I cant.

[QuickLookBusy]

Then you must phone the unit again lela.

You know if you get to the point where you can't help DS you have to get help.

Please phone them, tell them you need help and come back and talk to me.x

[lelarose]

i've got him off to sleep probably not for long though i need someone here i'm not going round in circles with the professionals again. i should never ever have had a child.

[QuickLookBusy]

Oh I wish I could come pop round and sit with you till dp gets home. What time is he due home?

[Habbibu]

Lela, what happened with the psych when you went to discuss the M&B unit? You weren't suicidal then and it was an option. I absolutely see that you've spoken to someone who's just covered themselves, and there really doesn't seem any point, but you know from experience that sometimes you have to keep badgering to really be heard.

I'm not taking this lightly. I know that it took a lot to phone and you feel knocked back, but please, please try again. You deserve this help, and just because you have the strength to hold it together for your son does not mean you don't need or deserve help. Yell if necessary.

[itsnotjustaslap]

Lela please call the MABU or the crisis team; you are right they don't usually intervene unless they think you are at serious risk to yourself or others; but they have to realise how seriously unwell you feel.

I probably would have been sectioned had I not voluntarily gone into a unit (because of a severe reaction to meds that left me catatonic); but my friend had to tell her crisis team that she was at risk of harming her dd to be admitted. It was the best thing for her and her dd and she and her dd are absolutely fine now.

I know you won't harm you ds but I am worried that you may harm yourself - and you are just as important as your son.

Please phone them again and let them know exactly how bad you feel xx

[lelarose]

But i dont know if I do want it really- when faced with the reality of admission I lose my nerve and think i cant go through with it anyway.

The psychologist didnt think it was right for me anyway they think my problems can be managed from home

[lelarose]

I know its confusing, because I see a psychologist every week at home and then every so often a psychiatrist at the hospital where the mbu is- he is the one who said I could be admitted and showed me round the unit, but the psychologist didnt think I was that bad when I mentioned it to her.

This will sound ridiculous but even the thought that I would hav to pack our bags to go anywhere is way too much for me right now.

[QuickLookBusy]

But the psychologist has got it wrong Lela. You said yourself that you aren't coping. They need to help you.

You need to phone them and like everyone else says tell them you need help now.

[QuickLookBusy]

X posted, It is good the psychiatrist at the hospital thinks you should be admitted. You don't need your home psychologist to agree do you. It must be confusing to have diffrent opinions, but I would listen to the one at the hospital.


It is hard to think about packing when you aren't feeling good. But i'm sure they would have lots of spare things if you did forget something.

Maybe phone the MBU then think about packing? I'm sure we could help you with a list of thinks you'll need to pack.

[itsnotjustaslap]

Hi Lela how are things now? x

[Habbibu]

Hi lela. Hope dp is back, and you're working on a plan. You don't need to struggle on like this - other women have felt just like you and come out the other side, and so will you.

[QuickLookBusy]

Lela I too hope dp is back home now and you sorting things so you don't have to go through another weekend like this one. x

[lelarose]

He is back and says we cant go on like this so we called mbu back and they said to get admitted tonight I'd have to go and get asessed at another hospital as my psychiatrist isnt there on the weekend to do it. I cant bear the thought of that so will have to try and get to see him tomorrow.

This is the low point of my whole life. I have been crying for nearly 5 hours.

sometimes I think I will just wake up and all of this will have been a bad dream and I won't even have got pregnant, let alone had a boy and called him a name I'm now beginning to hate.

[Habbibu]

Hang on in there, lela. You have a plan, you have something to move towards, and things will begin to get better. Hodl on to the stories others have told you, of when they were where you are, when they went into MBU, and lived to tell the tale, be happy and well, and be around to support others. That's the future that awaits you. Hug dp and ds, hold on until the morning and then get on with your plan. We'll all be here for you.

[lelarose]

I cant ever get warm I'm always so cold and I cant ever sleep properly. Dp is being lovely but all I can do is mentally torment myself for ds's name this is a fucking nightmare I dont believe I can ever really be happy again I'm so full of guilt and regret.

[Habbibu]

I know, lela, so just use the other stories on here as a liferaft - hang on to them when you can't believe it for yourself. Read the best stories over again and hang on to them. I've never been depressed, but I do remember the bleak feeling of never feeling I'd be happy again - I know it's not the same as for you, but I do look back on that person with sympathy and relief that I'm where I am now.

Can you get in a hot bath and go straight to bed, watch something on the iplayer to distract yourself and cuddle dp? Phone the psych first thing and badger, or get dp to badger. You've made the first steps and you can do this.

[dontrunwithscissors]

Lela,

I was where you are now 11.5 months ago. I made the decision (as much as I was able to decide anything) to be admitted. I have no regrets. (I've been to a regular psychiatric unit, and it was terrifying. The MBU was nothing like that. It felt safe.) I felt like I was going to die on the drive down to the MBU. The first night was difficult, but the staff were wonderful. It got better, and I got better. I truly remember those 6 weeks in the unit with a certain amount of fondness. They enabled me to live again. I will also say this: there were a number of other patients in the unit with me who were no where near as poorly as you are now. I just say that to point out that I think your psychologist is wrong.

Take care

[itsnotjustaslap]

I went to one 20 months ago. I felt so awful and wanted to die. My mother disowned me for needing psychiatric help, and my husband punched me because he thought that I was 'putting it on' and he was having to do everything.

On the drive down it felt like I was going to execution. I really didn't want to go in; to accept that my life with a new baby had turned the way it did.

But...honestly it saved me. The staff were really nice, it felt like a refuge from my horrible, horrible life. I wanted to abandon my ds because I didn't love him and thought he would be better without me.

I am slowly rebuilding my life. I love my ds absolutely; and so much that I have called the police and social services about my abusive relationship because I realised that my ds would be emotionally harmed and I could not protect him. I never, ever thought that I could cope, bond with my ds or ever do what I am doing alone, but I have.

The MABU really helped me. I don't think I would have survived if it had not have been there. I've kept in touch with a few of the other mums there.

The MABU was so safe that I dreaded the day when they said that they thought I could be discharged and the other friends I found felt the same.