Is this depression or am I just a selfish idiot?

[Unhappyharriet]

Since I turned 18 (33 now) I have lived outside my means, constantly running up debts which I couldn't afford to pay but I've always been very lucky and something has come along to sort it out - inheritance, did very well out of a house sale, work bonus etc. Of course everytime the debts got cleared I promised myself that it would never happen again. I seem to be able to constantly play a game of self deception, telling myself that I can afford something or I'll pay it off my credit card the next month when deep down I know that I can't.

I also feel that I repeat this kind of behaviour in other parts of my life. I 'winged' it through school and university, doing little study but managing to get good grades. As a mother I feel a lot of the time that I'm doing the bare minimum to get by. In the past I've worked very hard in my job (which I really enjoy) but I've also had periods at work when I feel really unmotivated and become totally unproductive, let the work pile up and then have to work really, really long hours in a panic to catch up.

My life is good, I have a husband and two DD's that I adore and the job which I've always wanted but I feel like I've used up all my chances. I've started putting impulse purchases on a credit card which is meant to be for emergencies, I'm completely behind in my job and I think that I've made a huge financial mistake at work which could get me in a huge amount of trouble and probably sacked if it gets noticed (I have of course thought about owning up but I really don't think it would stop any action being taken, it was a genuine mistake but I have been negligent in not realising).

Up until the start of this week I was fine and then for some reason (probably because I was away for work for a few days with time to think), I have started to feel really panicky and scared. I feel as if all of my life I've been getting away with things and that it's all about to catch up with me and that my world is going to come crashing down around me. I keep on thinking that I must have some kind of self-destructive impulse or is it just that I'm a bad selfish person or maybe just stupid.

[Unhappyharriet]

Posted before I was finished. I don't really even know what I'm asking here. I suppose I want to know what exactly is self-destructive behaviour and is it a sign of depression or something else? I've googled but everything that comes up refers to alcohol or drugs, neither of which are an issue for me. In some ways I think that what I do is tame in comparison to what a lot of people get up to (another way of justifying my behaviour to myself) but its not sensible behaviour.

[NanaNina]

This huge financial mistake you made at work - forgive me if I am wrong, but I am wondering if you have actually misappropriated funds to get you out of debt once again. You say that this mistake would cause a great deal of trouble and you would probably be sacked. Why would you be sacked for making a genuine mistake. If I am wrong I don't understand why you don't "ownup" even though you say it would not prevent any action being taken. Once you had owned up about your mistake, why should it worry you that it won't prevent any action, if that action is being taken against someone else. It doesn't stack up to be honest.

You don't sound like you have depression at all.

Think you just have an impulsive nature and want what you want even though you can't afford it. There is a slightly boastful tone to be honest in your reference to "winging" it through school and uni and getting good grades. OK so you let things go and then they pile up - there are many people like that - means you procrastinate and are not well organised.

Sorry your post does not make me feel very empathetic

[Unhappyharriet]

Well thank you for your honest response. In answer to your first point you're incorrect, in my job I don't have any access to funds. It's to do with some contracts I've signed off which I didn't check properly and there is now going to be a large cancellation fee charged to the business.

I think you're probably right, I'm just irresponsible and it's all now catching up with me. I'm feeling really desperate just now and didn't know where else to post. I hope I haven't offended anyone who is struggling with depression.

[BlueCollie]

Just a suggestion but some of what you have sounds like bipolar...stable then up and down to some degree. I have a friend that is like this. Although I am not saying you have this but you obviously need some help with managing your feelings towards things so maybe some therapy could help you control the spending urges and look at why you act the way you do.
I have also to some degree have overspent since I was a teenager and then always been bailed out somehow. However, the threat of possibly losing my house because I ahve been stupid with money has made that stop.

[Unhappyharriet]

Thanks BlueCollie. I'm not sure if I couldbe described as bipolar but I know what you mean. I go from periods of being very stable and sensible to periods of recklessness.

Therapy is something I'm considering. I had some sessions in my mid-twenties which were helpful but I dont think I was completely honest in them, said more what I thought the therapist wanted to hear than what I honestly thought.

[ImeldaM]

IMO, you sound stressed and maybe a little depressed, saying you are a 'bad' person, when it sounds like carelessness or making mistakes which everyone does.

I've suffered from depression in the past and find stressful situations at work have made me feel 'about to crash', warning signs to take things a bit easy.

Do you feel you could talk to DH or a close friend?

If you do seek help, make sure you are honest about how you are feeling

[NanaNina]

UnhappyH - firstly I am mightily impressed at your seemingly not taking offence of my incorrect assumption. I do wonder though whether it would better for you to own up because if/when it is found out, would it not look bad for you that you knew about the mistake but had not owned up. Just a thought.

We seem to be "batting you about" on this thread with me saying you don't seem like you have depression and bluecollie wondering if you have bipolar! I am no medic but I don't think you have any kind of depression and if you google depression and bipolar disorder I think you will agree that the symptoms don't fit with you.

Do you know what the triggers are for your periods of recklessness? I think many people buy things when they feel a bit down, commonly referred to as "retail therapy" - I've certainly done this in the past. I think it depends where you are on the continuum between sensible and reckless. Suppose most people think they are in the middle.

I used to work with 2 people at opposite ends of the continuum - one was ultra cautious about money and the other reckless (buying bottles of champagne in pubs etc) when on quite a modest salary. Neither could understand each other. The cautious one shook his head in confusion and though it was time his collegaue "grew up" and the reckless one said "god I'd hate to be like him - no spontanaeity - we're only hereonce " etc etc.