Calling Maddie 04!

[NanaNina]

Hi Maddie - hope you don't think I'm stalking you but you left 2 sad faces (well I think that's what they were) a while ago and no text. Just wondering how you are - hope you're feeling better than me as I am having a ghastly time at the moment. Can you come back and let me know?

[maddie04]

Oh NanaNina I cant believe there is actually people like you out there you are so nice, I dont actually know what happened with that post.
I think you have more concern for me than my own mother!!!.
Im doing sort of ok thank you Im so sorry to hear you having such a hard time, please dont worry about me I just hope you feel better soon and are being looked after x x x x

[madmouse]

Hi Nananina now Maddie has said she's kind of ok do you want to tell us what's wrong? This blip not showing signs of lifting? Anything anyone can do? x

[bittersweetvictory]

I also noticed the 2 sad faces and was going to post but i am new ( suffer from anxiety and depression ) but have been lurking for a while, i have answered a couple of posts and i am trying to find the courage to join in more, hope you are ok Maddie, and madhouse wish i could help but im in the middle of a major blip as well so know how you feel.

[bittersweetvictory]

sorry i think i read the last post wrong, is it nananina who is having the blip, sorry again, my head feels like fog.

[kizzie]

glad you are ok maddie.

Just another one posting for nananina - sorry this blip is lasting a while . you are so kind to everyone here - you must say when you need help too x

[kizzie]

bittersweet - sorry just read your post and didnt want to ignore. Do join in on the threads or start your own - everyone is very supportive here and you'll surprised how many people have gone through similar things x

[bittersweetvictory]

Thanks kizzie, i have tried posting a new thread a few times but then deleted at the last moment, i think my moods go along with my autistic son who is having a real hard time at college at the moment and has had to go on anxiety and depression meds due to social anxiety and bullying, i feel guilty because i suffer from depression and anxiety and take medication and feel as though i have passed it on to him even though i know autistic people are very prone to social anxiety, to top it all my mother told me to pull myself together ( which is probably the worst thing you can say to a depressed person )once i get my head round everything i will probably join in more. x

[bittersweetvictory]

Thanks kizzie, i have tried posting a new thread a few times but then deleted at the last moment, i think my moods go along with my autistic son who is having a real hard time at college at the moment and has had to go on anxiety and depression meds due to social anxiety and bullying, i feel guilty because i suffer from depression and anxiety and take medication and feel as though i have passed it on to him even though i know autistic people are very prone to social anxiety, to top it all my mother told me to pull myself together ( which is probably the worst thing you can say to a depressed person )once i get my head round everything i will probably join in more. x

[madmouse]

bittersweet I understand the temptation to not post until you've got your head round it but most of it post here because we struggle to get our head round things and that is ok. So maybe try to post when you're struggling and let others help you get your head round it.

does your ds's autism have a more specific label? I'm asking because I know from people very nearly me that Aspergers often goes hand in hand with depression and anxiety often comes into play because when you're autistic the world sometimes makes little sense and it is such hard work to function in society. So no, I don't think you've passed it on either...

[madmouse]

ouch bad typing, I'm tired.

Most of us

and people very near me

[NanaNina]

Madmouse - thank you for your concern, and others on this thread too. I think I've probably already said that I have been trying to recover from major episode of depression since discharge from psych ward last July. My 2nd episode - 1st one in 1995 following sudden death of my dearest friend and I still miss her. Was 3 months on psych ward then but made full recovery and back at work within 1 month of discharge.

I had 7 good weeks after discharge but since mid Sept last year have been having blips, and am on day 9 of this one, but it seems so much worse in intensity. Mornings are dreadful and once I've forced myself out of bed about 11 ish I shower etc and then cry for ages, and this last 3 days have just gone back to lie onbed under blanket, where I feel safe. Usually get a bit better in the afternoon and fair bit better by evening but I am then too tired and achey from the crying and anxiety that I have generated I can't enjoy it. I have more good days than bad (far more in reality) so know I am climbing the hill to recovery and when the good days come I feel like my old self. The more ups and downs I have though the more downhearted I get. I know that this is anti CBT but can't help the negative thoughts and suicidal ones coming in - though think it is ideation, rather than actually carrying out a plan to get rid of myself.

I have a lovely CPN and phoned her this a.m. but she must have had something more urgent as she didn't phone back. I have a caring and supportive partner but there are times when I know it is all getting him down and although he doesn't admit it I know and he has been a bit impatient this week. I have 4 very close women friends, but only 1 living very near and retired and I see her 4 or 5 times a week though I fear I am draining her too. I am in the West Midlands, my other close friend is in Bristol and the other 2 reasonably near but both working full time, though they e mail/text regularly and visit quite often. I am 67 and a g/mthr so don't have young children to care for and I don't know how so many young mums on here cope with A & D and babies to care for. I try to keep how I am feeling from my sons and dils because they all have their own families to worry about.

My conslt pysch is coming to see me on Monday but only as a follow up really and I think official discharge. When he came last Oct I was doing really well, but so many more blips since then. Also he is a man without any interpersonal skills whatsoever and has a very detached manner and worse still I am intimidated by him. I am currently on imipramine 150mg and 6mg diazepam a day. I am going to ask if upping the ADs or change in ADs might help but will not up the diazepam as know how addicitive this is.

I find it therapeutic to be on MN especially the MH threads because it does me good to think that I can help others, and gives me back a bit of myself, after 30 years in childrens services in LA SSD. Can't believe that I was once a competent professional woman - in a blip I feel worthless and lacking any motivation. I do try though and go to a yoga class and swim with my friend when I feel well enough.

Thank you so much madmouse for your offer of help - I notice that you offer this to others so much. The help comes from hearing that others are going through bad patches and supporting each other. I don't know your story madmouse, not sure if your illness is physical or emotional, but I know you are a lawyer in a Law Centre (thought they had all closed down, so good to know some of them have survived.)

Thanks again for your concern - I will keep posting and hoping for some good days to return.

[NanaNina]

Maddie - thanks for replying - glad you are ok (ish) and hi Kizzie and thanks for your concern too. As I said in long post to Madmouse it does help to be on this thread and know that others are going through it, and that I can be of some help to some - MN great for mutual moaning and support!

[madmouse]

Hi NanaNina my backstory is as complex as it is unpleasant. I was severely sexually abused between the ages of 7-11, outside the family. I could not tell my parents so suffered alone and developed fairly extreme coping mechanisms and I 'forgot' about it until the birth of my ds 3 years ago which brought all the memories back. DS's birth was traumatic and he ended in NICU/SCBU for 3 weeks and is brain damaged. The combination of that caused complex PTSD which I have spent the last two years doing battle with. Doing mostly ok now with blips, had an early mc a week ago and that brought very complex issues with it. My experience of true depression is second hand - my DH has been clinically depressed a number of times in the time that we have been together. I too ahve fantastic RL and MN support and I post here because for me to help others redeems some of my pain. It is very important for me that it didn't all happen for nothing.

Oops a bit of a me me me epistle...hope it's remotely interesting.

Keep believing that you can beat that black and grey monster - it can be beaten, but it's a hard slog.

[maddie04]

Hope everyone who is posting on this thread is doing ok and taking care of themselves. Everyone is so supportive here I just wish I had this support in RL.

I feel like I should maybe tell you all a bit of my story. I am a mum to 4 children (my oldest is 4) and have been suffering with depression for the last 2 years but only started receiving help after my 4th child was born.

My dad was VERY abusive to me growing up emotionally and physically and made me feel so worthless. Whatever was going wrong in his life or if he had a bad day at work he would come home and either cause a fight with me which would result in him severely hurting me or he would pack my things and tell me to move out. Once he even ripped all my clothes and trashed my bedroom.
The thing that hurt the most was my mum would stand by crying whilst he did it and would never try and stop him makes me cry even to this day.


I then had an awful relationship with a man and fell pregnant only to loose my beautiful baby girl, which never gets mentioned within my family.


I think I have pushed it all to the back of my mind for so long and be a bubbly person that everyone would love so that I didnt have to deal with it but that plan has backfired and now im paying.

sorry for going on about myself!!!

[madmouse]

maddie that is very hard and it is no wonder you are struggling with that as a background. Are you having counselling? It is possible to start to feel better about yourself and to accept yourself more, speaking form experience.

and you don't need to apologise for 'going on about yourself'

[maddie04]

Hi madmouse, Im not having counselling, I find it very hard to talk about these things because my head tells me I will face consequences for bringing it up.
I see my CPN weekly and she is lovely but I find it very hard to open up without making myself look stupid.
I am really struggling with trying to feel better about myself and I don't know how to accept myself as being worthy.
It makes it really hard that I am suffering from all his abuse and I think he doesn't think he done wrong he was just being a good parent.
He is very strict with my children also which sends me into a panic attack nearly everytime I visit x x x x

[maddie04]

Was just looking for some advice, my CPN said she is going to bring out some sort of worksheets so that I can start writing down my feelings and stuff.
Has anybody ever had this from their CPN, I worry about everything anyway but just worried that I might not be able to do it x x x x

[madmouse]

Maddie it will be a tool to help you, not an exam that you can fail so try to relax. It sounds like a good idea if you can start writing down some of what you feel to help you make sense of things.

[NanaNina]

Madmouse thanks for telling me your story, albeit briefly for obvious reasons. How terrible about the sexual abuse and feeling that you could not tell you parents - it is a life long sentence isn't it really. Did you ever feel as an adult that you wanted this man before the courts - sorry if that's a difficult question. It must have been very traumatic for your parents when they found out, assuming they did eventually find out.

These traumas do re-surface I know (though not from experience) and how sad that it should be when your first child was born, and the complications thathave caused brain damage for the child. Also your mc so very sorry - people often dismiss mcs don't they but I know how distressing that loss can be (again not from personal experience, but from friends and one of my sons and my dil)

You must be an enormous help to your DH when he is clinically depressed. I have just received a book I ordered from Amazon and can't put it down "Climbing out of Depression" by Sue Atkinson. I have never heard depression described so accurately - it made my flesh tingle. She's not a medic or psychologist or any kind of professional but she has suffered depression herself on and off for many years and I am underlining like mad things that jump off the page at me as they are so like my experiences. Well worth buying.

Maddie dear Maddie - you have so much on your plate - such a traumatic past and 4 children under 4. I need a lie down just thinking about it! It sounds like your mom was afraid of your dad but she did fail to protect you and that must have been (and still is) a dreadful thing to have to live through. I do hope that over time you will find the courage to bring some of these demons from the past into the opne, because in doing so, they start to lose their power, and though they will never go away, they will become more manageable. I do hope you can find a way of being honest with your CPN although in my experience they are there to support you, rather than delve into your background. Is she doing CBT withyou - if so, these are probably the worksheets she will bring and yes my CPN has given me some. There is absolutely nothing to be worried about - they will belong to you not anyone else and if you don't want to use them you don't have to, but if you can write some of your feelings down, it may just be the first step to opening up the past in a safe way. You don't have to show them to anyone - the trauma of the past is your story and you don't have to share it with anyone, and obviously haven't felt able to up until now. The time might come though when you can share (even on paper than noone else can see) little by little and them maybe get around to finding a therapist who you can trust to help you manage the abusive childhood you suffered.

Do you have a P now Maddie and is he supportive.
Do you have any RL support. And please don't apologise for talking about yourself. We are all here to support each other and I find it a lifeline on the blackest days. You might find the book I mentioned to Madmouse useful too.

Sending you warm wishes and as much rest as you can possibly get with so many little children, but I bet you are a lovely mom. Take good care of yourself xx

PS Had better day today, so hope blip may be coming to an end??? Hmm....we shall say. I've learned not to trust MR A & D (I've decided it has to be a Male!)

[madmouse]

NanaNina I went to the police last year. Unfortunately my home country knows a system of statutory limitations for most crimes including child abuse and the police said I was out of time. I trained as a criminal lawyer originally and did the maths myself and thought I was ok, but their computer program said no...

I did learn that he was being signed off work permanently due to severe burnout and woul no longer professionally have access to children which was something.

[NanaNina]

Thanks Madmouse - are you not in the UK? I had assumed you were through posts to Snow. If you are, it seems strange doesn't it because we hear of catholic priests and workers in residential homes who are convicted of child abuse, going back 50 years or more, and they are often old men of 80 but are still being dealt with by the courts. I would have thought that a letter to the Chief Constable from you might get somewhere as a computer can say anything. Sorry if I am pushing here, but as I am sure you know child abusers are predatory and the prognosis for change is very very poor.

Oh just thought, were you living outside of the Uk when it happened, it's just you mentioning your "home country" that made me wonder.

[madmouse]

NanaNina I moved to the UK when I was 24 - but prosecution would have to take place where he lives.

[kizzie]

Just dropping in for Nana nina - so glad you had a better day . Very interested in that book youve mentioned - will look it up on amazon.

(( meant to say to you before - you often mention how hard it must be for people going through depression with little ones to look after - almost as though you dont deserve sympathy because you no longer have children at home - but depression is horrible whenever it hits, and is just as hard for you as it is for anyone else x))

Maddie - hope are ok - just a quick siggestion re. CPN, would it help to write some of the things down before you see her so you can show just show her to make it a bit easier for you ? x

[maddie04]

I feel so so low tody, everyone always gives lovely support I dont even deserve it, you are all having such a hard time and I just feel like im worth anything I dont even know where to go from here

[madmouse]

maddie you do deserve support. It's the message you got in childhood that made you believe that you do not deserve it.

It's time to stop listening to those old thoughts, that's why you need counselling x

How come you are so low tonight?