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Suffering with very low self esteem :(

(10 Posts)
25goingon95 Fri 14-Jan-11 19:14:37

I constantly feel everyone is better than me. I look around at the other mums at school and just feel so inferior. It causes me great upset to hear them talking about their happy exciting lives and what they have been up to, how great they are at getting the chores done, their exciting night out with the girls etc. I feel like my DC are missing out on something with me as their mum..not quite sure what...but along with that comes awful guilt.

I feel ugly. I feel like im a rubbish mum. I feel fat and lazy. I just feel terrible

It is agony being around people because im so totally self conscious. I have this image of my pathetic self in my mind and cringe about it.

How can i stop this? I know im normal, i look normal, i know my DC are not missing out on anything because i am a good mum. I spend my life doing for them, thinking about them, being with them etc. I am slightly overweight but not obese and i am doing lots of exersise lately plus the housework and trips out so know im not lazy. So why do i have these negative thought all the time??

I do feel ugly I hate my hair so have booked in at the hairdressers.

What can i do to start feeling better about myself? I feel very lonely

oprahfan Fri 14-Jan-11 20:52:20

Hello 25goingon..........definately not 95!!!

You can bet your last penny not everyone is having a more exciting time than you. And being pleased with yourself for getting the chores done? Chores are chores, I don't crow about getting them done, they are necessary, boring, but have to be done. Can you imagine having a long convo with mums in the playground about cleaning your loo, and how many sparkles you got winking back at you from the pot?!!!!!!

It is agony being self-conscious, and I'm sorry to hear you feel so lonely, but you're not alone. And i am concerned that you think you're a rubbish mum.....you are beating yourself up, girl!!

Think about pleasure. What does that word mean to you? Go find out. Trips out and about are an excellent way to see new places, people, attractions, etc, keep that going.
On a personal level, being in woods, wild places, the mountains, by the sea give me great pleasure, and I feel human again. It's nicer if you can get someone to come with you, a friend, good neighbour perhaps? If I want to be really silly, I put on a worzel gummidge dvd, I laugh out loud. If you don't know who worzel is, either i'm really old or you're missing out!

Also have look around at web-sites connected to self-esteem, it's a start at least.

There have been posts on MN about how some feel near the school gates, tec, I feel wound up from time to time there, it's normal!
You say you spend a lot of time working on the needs and wants of your family. Put yourself first for a change........and do it!!!!!!!! There is absolutely nothing wrong working on you. It can only benefit you and your family........kepp yer chin up!!!

25goingon95 Fri 14-Jan-11 21:10:58

Thankyou so much for your post, you made me smile
I shall have a think about things that make me feel happy. I love wild places, the woods, and being by the sea. Must set aside more time for me, i know.

I know who worzel gummage is grin i am due a good laugh!!!

my psychologist recommended a website which has something about self esteem, will have a look now. Ive finally "fixed" myself (had severe postnatal anxiety and agoraphobia) and now this Im my own worst enemy.

Thanks oprahfan, am off to plan some nice things for myself

oprahfan Fri 14-Jan-11 22:24:38

Well 25,

Are we ever 'fixed'? we're human, we're frail, and we just ain't perfect. Being happy also doesn't mean having a stupid grin stuck on your face or laughing like a maniac. Being just so, content, satisfied, comfortable, warm, safe, is happiness to me. Even a packet of pickled onion monster munch gives me pleasure!!!!!!

It's not as easy as it seems to conjure up what happiness actually is. But only you can measure it, and when you have, your-self esteem will rise in bucket-loads.

I would like more money, never to work ,but i have to, i get the kids dragging mud into the house,the other half can be a moaning old git, but on a basic level I am ok, even satisfied with who I am. I'm approaching the big 40, I don't have to worry about being beautiful, having a huge house, sparkly loo (i will one day........!) etc. I'm not beautiful, I will never look like Kylie, but i'll do.

I used to have terrible trouble leaving the house, and got through PND, cos 25, everything changes, and it will for you as well. I do still have trouble with depression myself. Ok, maybe my self-esteem could be a lot better, but at a basic level, I am ok, and you will eventually feel that if you take some time out for you.
I don't believe you are your own worst enemy at all.

We, as mums, have huge changes to adjust to when kiddiewinkles come along, and you will falter along the way. I don't know of any women who skipped happily into motherhood, and made a smooth transition from lone woman, you will always feel guilt (we mums are great at feeling that, eh?) question how good you are. Anyway, who's keeping score? ONLY YOU.

BTW, Worzel working in a chip-shop was a particularly good episode..............

jardy Sat 15-Jan-11 11:43:27

WOW OPRAH,WHAT A FABULOUS COMMENT!

SlightlyJaded Sat 15-Jan-11 12:11:54

Great advice. You deffo need to spend some time on yourself. It's not selfish - it'd healthy for everyone.

Just wanted to say, I (like many other posters) are the other mums whom you think asre confident, outgoing, easy natured and happy.

In the playground I smile, chat, volunteer for the PTA, lie exaggerate about the jolly things planned for the weekend etc.

All the time i am thinking, 'you are thinner than me, you are better than me, you seem happier than me, you are prettier than me, your house is bigger than mine, your husband thinks you are wonderful - mine just moans, you do clever and creative things with yur DCs every weekend. Etc.

But i know some of them will think the same about me. We all out on our 'happy selves' for others. It doesnt mean we are all seriously depressed but that we sll feel inadequate or like frauds sometimes. Take comfort in tht if you can. I promise you some of 'those mum's feel exactly the same abut you.

Re: Worzel. Never really got on with it - thought him and Aunt Sally were a bit scary.

25goingon95 Sat 15-Jan-11 12:56:13

Thanks oprah and slightly!!!!

I feel much better after reading your posts! You have really picked me up and now i feel silly blush Thanks for your kind words. They are so true.

I don't feel so lonely now Im glad i posted.

Sorry to hear you have been through it as well oprah. you have posted such great advice which i will read again when im feeling low!

Slightly, i have those exact thoughts you mention in your post. But never actually thought that maybe some mums would think all that about me!! You are right. Perhaps we are all just the same.

I haven't watched worzel for ages grin May have to dig it out!!

gladis Sun 16-Jan-11 09:14:00

I don't have time to read all the posts because my toddler is banging on the door - but just wanted to say.....you can look like Claudia Schiffer and still feel painfully self conscious. You can look and find plenty of things wrong when you are feeling this way.

I used to struggle to walk down the street, I felt so inferior. After two years of counselling, I am dramatically better.

For me, endless talking and honesty to myself (after much soul searching) brought me bit by bit to a better place. I found the turn around came when I started to get bored with talking about the past because I wanted to look forward and 'do' things, and when I got bored with running myself down and started to feel 'I've got lots to offer'. It was an enormous relief.

I used to feel as though I had two little 'voices' sitting on my shoulders. One would say something positive, like 'you look nice today' and the other would say 'your bottom is huge, you are too short, your clothes aren't great, you could be so much better but you don't exercise/diet/etc' what a failure you are'. I used to get so exhausted with this internal battle.

Mentally it took some time to tell the mean voice to 'f____ off'.

I bet you are a lovely mum, because you obviously care very much. [smmile]

gladis Sun 16-Jan-11 09:18:02

....and now I have a chance to read oprah's comment. Yes, how true, it is human nature.

25goingon95 Sun 16-Jan-11 13:20:24

thankyou gladis
Im glad you feel much better now. I can relate to those 2 little voices, it is exhausting isn't it.
Since posting this i too feel a little better!!

I went to bed early last night but am coming down with a bad cold so couldn't sleep. So i came back downstairs alone, made a mug of hot chocolate and watched a girly movie. I lit some candles (i love candles) and really really enjoyed that moment, despite not feeling well. All cosy downstairs while my little family were all upstairs sleeping..i had my mug of hot choc and a film to watch. Some me time. I feel good about myself today! Im going to continue working on it, am going to have my hair re-styled next week for my birthday. I hope this is my turning point.

Thankyou all for your helpful comments and support

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