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Struggling to (mark II)

(10 Posts)
awfulthoughtstoday Thu 13-Jan-11 12:14:45


I posted This thread in chat today and someone suggested coming over here.

thanks for having me


I?ve name changed but a very regular embarrassingly so lurker and regular poster.

I?m struggling at the moment. Since the xmas break I?ve been feeling really and keep having awful thoughts. I am struggling with getting through each day and find myself wondering about ending it all. I know I won?t- but I can?t help the thoughts. They come from no where.

It?s like it?s my own way out ? escapism- to think this negatively during difficult times - So Monday I was working at home and every time I went upstairs to loo, I had flash ideas of taking a large number of drugs. Today I looked out of train window and saw a small glass window on a station platform- and though I could shove my head through that if I wanted.

This makes me sound totally bonkers- I am not generally I promise.  I have a DC, who is 2 in the spring. I love being a mother when I?m doing it- but I work full time in a job which is very demanding, competitive and long hours. I do 50 or 60hrs a week starting from very early AM so I always exhausted. I love the job I do which makes it bearable but I?m really struggling with the day to day strains of life itself .

I just about get through working but handling anything on top of that makes me really anxious. Nights out with friends, weekends away, holidays- all great but I can?t even contemplate these most of the time as I just can?t hack being so knackered and trying to work, then coming home to see my DC when I have nothing left to give. I don?t have much left for my partner and that?s not fair on him.

Not sure why I am posting. Suppose I wanted to get these thoughts down on a page- I?ve had these type of thoughts about suicide before - 12 years ago now. Struggled for a few years after with what i think was depression although I never got help. I even set a date ?to end it all? even though I knew I?d never do it. Even now- I know I?d never do anything about it. I am just quite horrified that I?m even thinking it- makes me feel like terrible terrible mother.

Changing my working arrangements isn?t really an option at the moment btw.

Thanks for reading if you are still with me.

madmouse Thu 13-Jan-11 12:25:21

welcome - well done posting here smile

awfulthoughtstoday Thu 13-Jan-11 12:31:51

Thanks MM. Shame I managed to screw up the title, not sure what happened there...

I did consider posting here first but didnt think it was relevant for me..... maybe I really am bonkers! wink

madmouse Thu 13-Jan-11 12:43:51

Well if you were not bonkers you'd have no reason to post here wink

But actually it is a bit of a step admitting that something isn't right. so well done.

With respect to the awful thoughts, they can be a way out. I used to be like that - I worked out with my counsellor that they were like an insurance policy - If I really cannot take it anymore there is a way out.

It is still not a good sign that you need this way out so a visit to your GP maybe a good idea.

awfulthoughtstoday Thu 13-Jan-11 12:47:31

THanks MM.

I was so reluctant to go to the GP last time because I didnt want a label of depression as I felt it would make it more real which is silly really.

I may go along and have a chat.

If I mention the "awful thoughts" will they not have concerns regarding my child?

madmouse Thu 13-Jan-11 12:53:38

no they won't honest they won't - they are more concerned about people they don't see!!!

Your GP knows that you having difficult thoughts has nothing to do with you caring for your child.

pookamoo Thu 13-Jan-11 13:07:27

I think you will be well looked after here, awful.

Take care.

CrawlingInMySkin Thu 13-Jan-11 13:11:29

No I have episodes of depession and they dont worry about your DC as you are seeking help.

cg267 Thu 13-Jan-11 13:39:10

Please don't think you're bonkers or anything. having intrusive images/thoughts is actually quite common, although no less unpleasant. Apparently 1 in 2 of us will experience suicidal thoughts images at some point in our lives!!! Thats half of us!!! Its just your brain/minds way of saying, whooooaaa hold up, somethings not right at the mo. It does suggest that you may be depressed/very stressed and I suggest that you get yourself to your GP ASAP. Let your GP know how your feeling about these thoughts images.
They won't have MAJOR concerns about these thoughts/ images unless you think that you might act upon them. There's a big difference between 'thinking' something and actually acting upon them.
Please, please go and see you GP. Over 50% of the people they see daily are related to mental health, so they won't think your weird or silly.
Good luck

awfulthoughtstoday Thu 13-Jan-11 16:30:26

Many thanks. I feel better knowing that suicidal thoughts are more common and aren't necessarily going to lead to me being in a straight jacket.

I'm still scared about the gp. I will feel like a fraud sitting there telling him this stuff. Hope he doesn't think i'm making it up. hmm

My added issue is that my dp isn't very good at this kind of thing. He wouldn't take a diagnosis of depression very well. He thinks these are labels that are over used. I wouldn't get much sympathy.
This isn't a bashing of my dp - it's how he is.

How are other peoples partners with it?

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