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Would you consider I have depression?

(21 Posts)
OhToBeFree Sun 09-Jan-11 16:57:09

I have felt not myself for some time, maybe two years or so but the past few months I have felt especially strange. I can sit for long periods just staring into space until something/someone distracts me and I don't even realise I'm doing it. I have a million thins whirling around at any one time and because of this am really forgetful and cannot concentrate very well.

Small things really get me down, I mean really badly and I cry at silly things.

I'm distancing myself from my family and friends and as much as I'm fighting not to, I'm growing closer to my EA ex-P again because, well I dunno why, I just am.

I feel like I cannot cope with kids and feel like a really bad mother. My 11 year old DS is quite shy and is a minority in his year as he isn't into sports etc and annoys his peers with his quirky ways, he's been bullied and always singled out as the one in the wrong. This is my fault I know.

I do not feel in control of my life at all. I feel a total failure and have strongly felt on many occasions that if I died, my kids would go with their dad and they'd be OK, no-one else would miss me and there are billions of people in the world so me not being here wouldn't matter.

I really need to lose weight. I love 3 stone in 2009 and have almost gained this all again. I have squeeze into my older clothes because I cannot afford new ones. Today I had breakfast and lasted until 1:30 where I ate my lunch and straight after ate 6 biscuits, two chocolate bars and a chocolate cake bars, literally shoving them into my mouth like I hadn't eaten for a month. After that felt like puking so sat on the toilet with my head in my hands feeling guilty and disgusted.

I am in a job where my boss is awful. He is a real nasty piece of work and some days I just want to walk out but I look at my kids pictures in my purse and realise I just can't. I can't find a new job as I'd never get through the interview without crumbling.

I've tried hard to change to be more upbeat about stuff, for the DCs more than anything but I'm just feeling awful inside.

I've tried talking to my mum but she wants me to be like her I think, always at home if not in work. Never having done anything with her life really and staying with my dad who has drained her of everything over the years. I know this because on the rare occasion I do go out she doesn't hide the fact that she finds it disgusting that a mother of two aged 31 wants to go out and enjoy herself.

I know it sounds like a same old saying but I feel trapped. Totally stuck in a box with no future or way out.

I won't go to the Dr because I'm not sure what to say and he hears people moaning all day everyday, why take any notice of me?? Plus he's probably inundated with fly calls right now.

I've tried telling my best friend but she's getting married and I don't want to taint her happiness.

I crave to drink during the week and up to now have managed to wait till Friday night. It's a good job I can't afford to buy more bottles really.

Don't even know what I hope to gain from posting this but thought it may help to write it down.

I so wish I was more like the mums down the school, happily married in their huge houses and 4x4s and designer clothes and shoes/boots. Yes, am totally jealousenvy.

Sorry guys sad

OhToBeFree Sun 09-Jan-11 16:58:31

lost 3 stone, sorry

OhToBeFree Sun 09-Jan-11 17:00:36

flu calls not fly. sorry, can't even type!!!!

madmouse Sun 09-Jan-11 17:24:06

Yes I would

Because

*you seem to think it is totally obvious that if your son is a minority at school it is your fault hmm why?

*You are beating yourself up a lot

*You are withdrawing from others

*You think all the other mums are sorted whereas from the way you describe them it's obvious there is no way they are all like that

*You don't want to go to the GP

These are the most poignant points for me. Go to your GP.

OhToBeFree Sun 09-Jan-11 19:46:11

Thank you madmouse......

What would I say? 'i feel jealous of others and don't want to get out of bed'? I'd feel like I was totally wasting his time?

madmouse Sun 09-Jan-11 19:48:23

do you consider that a fair summary of your original post??

print that off and take it with you - tell him how you are really feeling, all of it!

OhToBeFree Sun 09-Jan-11 19:49:04

feel like i've let my DS down, you know not enriching his life for everything he is worth....

IAmReallyFabNow Sun 09-Jan-11 19:49:28

Yes, I think you might have depression and a visit to a sympathetic doctor would be a good idea. smile.

I wish you luck.

Oh, and your son would miss you as would your friends.

OhToBeFree Sun 09-Jan-11 19:50:18

both my dcs asked to go to park today as nice day out but i just couldn't get off the sofa, couldn't bear the thought of going out and got angry with them for asking....WTF??

OhToBeFree Sun 09-Jan-11 19:51:31

guess i'll make an appt tomorrow , thank u x

IAmReallyFabNow Mon 10-Jan-11 12:24:12

Have you made an appointment?

OhToBeFree Mon 10-Jan-11 14:50:19

Hello Iam, no I haven't. I rang the drs this morning and bottled it, I felt really stupid so just asked a garbled question about flu jab. Just feel like I'm totally wasting their time and I'm just being stupid, gotta pull myself together. Thank you for thinking of me.....

ClaudiaD Mon 10-Jan-11 15:21:46

Hi there, you are not wasting their time - that's what they are there for and any decent doctor will take you seriously. I've recently had a bout of depression and before I saw the doc felt like such a failure that I couldn't cope. But we're not - we're just human beings and it happens to so many of us from all walks of life. Don't blame yourself - please make the appointment. It's the best thing you can do for yourself and I'm sure will help. Great idea to print out what you wrote on your first posting too. Take care and good luckxx

StartingAfresh Mon 10-Jan-11 15:28:34

Oh no. I just rang up the secretary and asked her to read out all the figures of a complex blood test I had done last week.

Took about 15mins and she didn't appear to mind at all.

Also, I remember at Uni, I went to the GP 3 times in one year which was a LOT for me, but at every single appointment there was the same friend also sitting in the waiting room. God knows how much time she spent there, and it was always cold-related she told me.

Honestly, you aren't trying to convince your GP of anything, or demand anything, you are just asking to be checked out.

Perhaps start saying that you have been feeling a bit low lately and thought it would be good to have your bloods checked. Almost certainly the GP will agree with you there and then, and it might be a way in to explain what feeling low feels like.

hth

Unicornlover Mon 10-Jan-11 15:46:02

Your Gp (if decent) will not think ur wasting their time. They would rather see you now before it gets any worse. I have suffered from recurrent depression for the past 8 yrs. The hardest bit is going to get help. If you feel you don't know wot to say you need to write it down or printing out the original post. You need to go and be prepared to be totally honest.
You need to sort this out before it gets any worse. I didn't get sorted out as I felt like i was wasting GP's time and started self-harming. lluckily the place I was living I had a warden and she realised that i need help and got me sorted or my next step would have been suicide.
Think of the effect this is having on your DC's mood and show them how strong you are inside and that this can be fought.
If you feel it would help you can PM me and I will help you all I can as someone who is coming out the other side.

IAmReallyFabNow Mon 10-Jan-11 16:02:16

GP's are there to help you with your health. If you find it hard to speak on the phone, write it down what you want to say. You could also do this when you see the doctor.

snowmash Mon 10-Jan-11 18:05:33

I hope you go and see your GP - you wouldn't be wasting their time, and most people find it hard to talk, so as people have said a list/summary can be good.

[If it helps I have seen my GP ten times in as many weeks...as others here have said, they probably don't think that's a waste of their time]

OhToBeFree Mon 10-Jan-11 18:49:42

OK....their lines open at 8:30. I will drop DCs off at school and ring them on my mobile.

My stomach just sank at thought of it, why am I finding asking for help so hard and nerve-racking???!!

Unicornlover Mon 10-Jan-11 19:59:08

because we are programmed as adults that we should be able cope by ourselves and shouldn't need help.
Asking for help is the hardest part.

Memoo Mon 10-Jan-11 20:49:45

Talking to my gp was the best thing I ever did. He was really understanding and referred me to all the right people. I was terrified before hand but once I started talking it was actually a huge relief. Please make an appointment, it's the first step to getting well

nowwearefour Mon 10-Jan-11 20:59:00

you are being so very brave and amazing just posting here and listening to what is being suggested. I would also agree that it is very likely you are suffereing from depression. it is an illness and you are a wonderful and precious person who completely deserves to get better. you care so much about your children and this shows what a caring mother you are to them. seeking help is a very difficult step but once you have done it you will not look back. you would not hesitate to seek help if you had a physical illness so be gentle on yourself and tell yourself that that it is just as valid (even more valid) to seek help for a mental illness. this is not your fault and you must give yourself credit for all that you have done already. Calling the doctors tomorrow morning is the best thing you can possibly do to start the road to recovery.

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