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Feeling totally confused/upset/unsur
I wasn't sure where to put this put felt the need to write it down and get some insight really. Bit of background - I am married, have a 4 year old who is at school, have been ttc for nearly 3 years now. I had a MMC back in august and am literally about to start clomid tomorrow as I have PCOS and endometriosis too.
I used to be a childminder and should have been on maternity leave as of this month, however, due to events whilst i was pg which potentially led to the mc I decided that I wasn't going to continue childminding anyway. I have a couple of little cleaning jobs and do a little craft work on the side, all of which trickle in a little money each week. My dh has a good job (we are in debt but it is controlled).
I seemed to be coping ok and the weeks got easier post mc however I seem to be spiralling into a world of mental anguish. I don't know whether it's because the baby I lost would have been due next month, whether it's because I have been doing some work in my cousin's nursery (who is due a similar time to when I should have been), whether it's because I am anxious about starting the clomid, whether it's because I haven't got a stable job, whether it's because we have had a letter from tax office stating we owe £1500 as we have been undercharged, whether it's because I was called into school yesterday because my ds has been fighting, whether it's because ds has been coming home saying no one plays with him so he plays on his own (which breaks my heart).
Most of these things we all deal with and I am normally strong and let things wash over me and get on with it but I was so hoping for a better year and so far I don't seem to be given a break, it's one thing after another. I feel like I can't cope, I am drained, I can't sleep, I don't know what I am doing with my life. I don't know why I am so emotional. I don't know what to do
Really sorry to hear how you're feeling. To be honest, it sounds as though you're dealing with a load of stuff all at the same time and it's probably not a case of which of those things is causing the problem, more the combination of all of them.
Something that helps me (not that my problems are any way in the same league as yours) is to list the things that are worrying me at any one time. Some things are huge, and some might be really little. Then you can start tackling some of the littler things, or ask your DH for help in splitting up the 'list' so you don't feel you are dealing with it all yourself.
Re the mc and your ongoing feelings with that, I'm sure there will be lots of experienced posters along to help. Might be worth looking into some counselling though as it could potentially be an ongoing thing for you once your cousin's baby arrives.
Thinking of you
Thanks cheesy, I spoke to my cousin a little about things today. She is brilliant btw and totally understands that my reaction to her birth is going to mixed with joy and pride for her but potentially pain and envy for me. I hope I can be strong when the time comes but really feel like I need to pull myself together as I don't want to be like this.
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