Oh Bollocks, Can someone advise please?

[CuppaNCiggiePlease]

Ok, so, I have a thread in Chat at the moment about a weird letter posted night.

My ex is/was an absolute nightmare. Physical and emotional abuse. I was on 20mg citalopram last year due to pnd but was advised to come off them in the summer of this year. My gp believed that my anxieties were due to things that had happened in my past (very long story)

Anyway, sorry for going on, but I can feel myself spiralling again. I am scared of my own shadow and making dd 20months sleep with me. Which isn't really fair on her.

I hate the thought of someone knocking at my door, or phoning me.
I sound like a right loon

This is how it started with my pnd, then onto self harm, not eating, eating far too much ect.

Sorry again, I just feel like it's history repeating itself

[makemineaginandtonic]

Hi, I have not experienced what you are going through but maybe you should phone the samaritans or someone who could reassure you, and tell you where to go if you felt you couldn't go on your own. THe phone number is 08457 90 90 90.

But I think you are a strong person and if you think straight you can get through this.

[Besom]

You don't sound like a loon, you sound like someone who's been through a lot and is feeling anxious.

You're doing well to notice the signs this time.

Just because the signs are there doesn't mean that you will necessarily slip back to the self harm. I know it feels like that when you've been unwell in the past. You can get some support and hopefully stop that from happening.

If I were you, I'd go back to the gp. Have you asked about other treatmens besides meds like counselling etc?

[CuppaNCiggiePlease]

Thankyou for the quick replies.

I have been to counselling in the past for the things that happened to me in the past but I was too scared. I couldn't do it.

I've gotta get through christmas and funerals before I can go to my gp.

I fucking hate this time of year.

[Besom]

Poor you. Is the funeral someone close to you?

There are different types of counselling. Maybe you need something that teaches you coping techniques rather than something that digs into your past (which may naturally be scary)?

[Joolyjoolyjoo]

well, I read your thread, and I would have been a bit freaked out (and I have no previous issues!)

I really hope you get some closure on who did it, and why.

[CuppaNCiggiePlease]

Thankyou, I have two funerals, my nan (she was like a mum to me) and a close friend. They are both on the same day too. Sods law eh?!

I probably do need some help but tbh I'm too scared.

[Besom]

Well it's kind of no wonder you're feeling shit. Sorry for you losses.

Is it digging up past that scares you or something else?

[CuppaNCiggiePlease]

Thankyou.

I can't talk about my past at all. It's awful. It still bothers me, I have terrible nightmares still.

My biggest fear tbh is that my ex knows what happened to me and he would quite happily use it as a weapon against me. Sorry if that doesn't make sense.

[Besom]

It makes sense.

I really hope you go back to the GP in any case, although i can see that you're saying counselling is too much to contemplate at the moment.

Have you got any other rl support or anyone you can talk to?

[CuppaNCiggiePlease]

Thanks, I would normally talk to my dad but I don't want to worry him after losing my nan.

I am staying at my mums over christmas so it'll be good to get out of here for a while. Although our relationship is rather strained to say the least but thats a whole other thread!!!

[Besom]

That's good - at least you hopefully will be distracted from any unwanted thoughts etc.

Hope you can enjoy your dd enjoying Christmas, even if you don't yourself.

And go to the docs if you're still feeling crap when you come bag.

Take care X

[KatTerrellGray]

Hi Cuppa

I don't know whether this will be at all interesting, but would you think about trying to run with a group of first time runners? With your little one in her buggy, of course....

I say this because it's something that you might find helpful for managing the way you feel, fear and self esteem - and literally running out some of the pain you feel. I don't know, but it might help.

Where are you? On Friday 14th January I'm starting a MumsLearn2Run group in Abington Park, Northampton at 10am (meet place tbc)for anyone who'd like to start in a supportive group - it's specifically for people with buggies, by the way, and costs £1.

Any good to you? Running, and any exercise for that matter, releases endorphins which are 'feel good' chemicals, which might be helpful to you in the short term.

Just a thought. Otherwise, something like cognitive behavioural coaching (dealing with the here and now for the most part, while acknowledging the past and its affect on your current state) may help you manage 'hot' thoughts and feelings, while not asking you to delve into the past and talk about it, unless you're ready. Ask your GP about this avenue.

Another therapeutic method which won't involve you talking is art therapy - and you don't have to be able to draw a thing. This has helped my brother with his issues. It may allow you emotional release without the need to articulate your historical pain.

Just a few thoughts! Good luck!