Depression - self harm/injury/associated crap

[KalokiMallow]

I have a long history of self harm, over 10 years (I'm 26) mainly cutting, but I've been known to do other things. I'm on antidepressants, but going through a really shitty time right now.

I've noticed I've been absent mindedly picking at spots recently, so I have scabs all over me which are never getting a chance to heal.

But what's worrying me most is that I've also started pulling hairs - hadn't realised how much I'd been doing it till I touched the top of my head a minute ago and noticed a bald patch.

My hair's always been my favourite feature, so it scares me that I'm doing this, but I'm struggling not to. Most of the time I don't know I'm doing it till I've got a fist full of hair. There's also the fact that is hurts to pull out a clump of hair, and I crave that. It's very calming. In the same way cutting is. But it's not controlled like cutting. I plan cutting, I don't plan this.

Don't know what to do.. not been here before. Really upset with myself.

[BookcaseFullofBooks]

I'm afraid I'm not in a great place either at the moment, but wanted to offer my support and hugs if you want them x

[KalokiMallow]

Thank you

[Eleison]

That sounds sad, and I wish I could say something to help. I hate to think of you undermining a part of yourself that you feel good about. People on MN have sometimes mentioned the value of having a rubberband around the wrist that you can snap against your skin, as a harmless way of expressing the same needs that the hairpulling or other self-harm fulfills. Might that help? Casting around for other, probably useless, suggestions: could you go to the hairdressers and have a nice cut to make yourself feel more positive and protective about your hair. Or even wear a hat around the house for a few days to break the habit (god knows it's cold enough!).

Hope you feel a bit happier soon.

[Bexamundo]

I've just joined but I felt compelled to comment. have you been back to your Gp? I think the principle of doing the rubber band is fine but really I think you need counselling to understand the principles behind them. How long have you been on these antidepressants? do you think they're helping? Might be worth trying some different meds. they don't all suit everyone.
Bottom line in I think you need to try counselling to get to the root of why you're anxious and how to deal with it when it does (fyi I'm on the waiting list for some myself because I'm struggling with anxiety too). Let us know how you get on.

[KalokiMallow]

The rubber band doesn't work for me, in fact none of the traditional distractions do. (Ice cube, red pen on skin) Mainly as they aren't harmful. So miss the point.

That's the problem, I know why I do it, and I know what is causing the anxiety. But I can't do anything about the latter right now, and there's no replacement for the former.

I've been on anti depressants on and off since I was about 20. So 6 years.