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Dont know what to do

(4 Posts)
Freakingout Tue 14-Dec-10 19:46:26

So sorry, this is long.
I was abused by my uncle many years ago.
On one occasion.
I am 43 yrs old. I am single.
I was 9 or 10 at the time. I tried to tell a visiting older cousin, but was so horrified by her reaction that I shut up and refused to say another word.
I never told my parents, but I have told my brothers, many years later. I don't know if they believed me as it seems they still talk to him.
He is my mothers brother, and she idolises him. She is from a very close Irish Catholic family.
I wish I could have told her, but after 35yrs of silence, I dont know how I could now.
I have avoided him ever since, and don't make conversation with him. I leave the room if he comes in, and have managed over the course of the years to time my visits home so as not to co-incide with his. (Mostly. Sometimes I get it wrong)
I have had some help for a short while with a psychologist, but I found it so difficult to talk about, I couldnt continue.
I suffer from enormous guilt for not speaking out, as his daughter, my cousin had had severe mental health problems for years, and I am sure it must be related to him abusing her. (Surely it cant have just been me.)

There is a family wedding on New years Eve in my home town. I will be home for Christmas and the Christmas period.
I have offered to Babysit for my brother so I don't have to go. I have never gone to any family weddings apart from my brothers. And they were so big, I managed to not see or speak to that uncle.
My mother has just told me that my uncle and his wife are having difficulty finding accommodation for that wedding. She wants to put them up.
My parents and my brother have booked into the hotel that the reception is in. I am staying in my parents house with my nephew and another aunt who will be visiting and cant afford a hotel as she is retired and only has a very small pension.
I am freaking out at the thought of being under the same roof as him.
I have started to have panic attacks. I have managed to not think about things for such a long time.
I really dont know what to do.

amelem Tue 14-Dec-10 20:01:20

Is there anywhere else you can stay so that you can avoid him?

Igglystuffedfullofturkey Tue 14-Dec-10 20:07:30

You say you've told your brother. Can you tell him that you don't want to stay under the same roof, that you cannot babysit?

Can your brother find another babysitter?

In the long run, I'd suggest you try again with counselling - explain that you find it hard to talk about it and you want to take it very slowly.

madmouse Tue 14-Dec-10 22:45:52

As a fellow survivor I can only say do not stay under the same roof as him - it is not safe for you in many ways. Feign a bad flu if you must. Put yourself first. Please...<begging>

You are not to blame for any of this. The fact that it only happened once is not relevant, it was very very wrong. The fact that he abused his daughter is awful but not your responsibility. Don't carry more than you already do.

I agree with the previous poster who said to try counselling again. You can have counselling at your pace, so that you don't have to drop any of your defences before you are ready for it. Also, I had most of my counselling and did most of my healing without actually talking much about what was done to me. Only a few weeks ago I read to my counsellor the full story of what was done to me and that was real hard, but I had already come so far and am so much better and stronger.

You are worth it

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