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I keep smacking DD.

(113 Posts)
haroldthecat Sat 11-Dec-10 02:48:33

i'm starting to lose it. Everyday i end up shouting and screaming at her. She never does what she's told. She winds me up and it's got to a stage where i feel so tense and within an instant i flip and a surge of anger takes over me and i smack her. Yesterday i smacked her several times in a row. I hate myself for it. We have a new baby 5 months old. I know she feels put out by his arrival. I've obviously dealt with this very badly. I don't enjoy being with my dd. In fact it fills me with dread sometimes. Her behaviour is so challenging at times and she demands a huge amount of attention which i can't seem to fulfill adequately. I feel exhausted and drained. I love her so much but don't enjoy being with her right now. I have no family nearby. I feel so ashamed and so alone. I don't mind if you judge me. What kind of mother snacks their children anyway. My dd is 5. Only a little girl. What am i doing to her??

MrsRhettButler Sat 11-Dec-10 02:57:07

i smack my dd on occasion,, i think the difference is smacking whilst calm and smacking in a 'rage'

i'm hopeless with advice but i'm sure someone helpful will be along soon, try bumping in the morning

it must be really stressful for you with a new baby, is there anyone who can watch the baby for you so you can enjoy some time with your eldest? do something you will both enjoy and try to bond together again?

Blackletterday Sat 11-Dec-10 03:08:24

Oh poor you, I have smacked in anger before and honestly it's not worth it. You will suffer more than your child if you are anything like me. Have you considered that you may have PND? I did when I was going through this bad patch, you need some support, also you need to take some time out when you feel like smacking.

I know they wind you up to fever point, but you need to just leave the room and count to 10, smacking is not the answer, it could become a habit and that would not be good.

AngryPixie Sat 11-Dec-10 03:11:48

Oh crap! I have started a reply to you 3 or 4 times and they all sound trite. Please, please find someone in rl to talk to. You need someone now. Are you in UK? can you get surestart help? They will make a cup of tea, play with your daughter, give you an ear and a bit of respite.

The situation you're in feels as though its escalating, now smacking several times in a row, and you need help, practical hands on, help.

This also sounds rubbish, I'm so sorry, but it is 3am, I just didn't want it to go unanswered. You are not a bad mother, you wouldn't be posting this if you were, but sometimes we all need a bit of help.

twofalls Sat 11-Dec-10 03:19:51

You sound exhausted. Have you thought about rewarding you dd for good behaviour and praising her when she is good. She is at an age where you could sit down with her in a calm moment, perhaps govout for a cake or something at the weekend without your baby. Focus on a few areas where her behavior is bad, eg answering back, not doing what you ask, and talk about what you exiect. Then have a marble jar or something and everytime she is "good" ie does what she is told, helps get a nappy for the baby, goes to bed when asked etc she gets a marble. However when she does something on the unacceptable list a marble gets taken away. When jar is full (make it a small jar as there has to be achievable reward for this to work) she gets a treat. She also has to understand and agree to unacceptable behaviors. My dd1 is nearly 5 and I have 9 month old baby ( who is on lap, I'll so sorry for rubbish typing) so I understand how you are feeling. You just need to set boundries but also praise when she is doing well.

MrManager Sat 11-Dec-10 03:28:48

Are your parents available to have her for a week?

If you cannot stop yourself from physically abusing her, then she will be taken away - better you do it than Social Services.

haroldthecat Sat 11-Dec-10 04:40:01

thanks for all your replies. No my parents don't live in the uk and dh's dad is down south and wouldn't help anyway. There is no other family. You're right Mrmanager. social services should take her away. Such a beautiful little child deserves so much more than i am giving her. I have never felt so low. Thank you all for reading and helping x

haroldthecat Sat 11-Dec-10 04:43:26

thanks for all your replies. No my parents don't live in the uk and dh's dad is down south and wouldn't help anyway. There is no other family. You're right Mrmanager. social services should take her away. Such a beautiful little child deserves so much more than i am giving her. I have never felt so low. Thank you all for reading and helping x

libelulle Sat 11-Dec-10 04:53:16

Mrmanager, for crying out loud she was smacked a few times, she is not being abused. What a bloody unhelpful comment. OP your daughter would categorically NOT be better off taken away by social services; you are her mum, you love her and she loves and NEEDS you. Good on you for seeking help it sounds like you are at the end of your tether. You've had some good advice here; ignore mrmanager you dont need anyone to make you feel bad you're doing that well enough yourself! I hope things improve for you soon.

twofalls Sat 11-Dec-10 07:15:08

Haroldthecat, you didn't acknowledge a post which gave you a practical way of dealing with the problem. This indicates to me you don't even perhaps have the energy to change your behavior. I could be wrong. Can you talk to HV or children's centre or her teachers so they can support you in implementing structure for managing your dd's behavior. A couple of other tips I have is walk away when rage is building. Tell her mummy is getting cross and you need to calm down. Go into a different room. She is doing it for attention so try to find some time which is one on one. How about when you put the baby to bed you have 15 mins with your dd. There are lots of strategies you could implement but you have to be open to them and be prepared to put the work in. It will be worth it. No point wallowing in negative feelings about yourself. If you think you could have pnd get to the doctor. Ultimately you do need help and support from professiondls and friends if family is not an option.

What about your dp/dh? Is he around?

You have done well to post here but now you really need to work on a way to change your response to your dd's behavior.

MrManager Sat 11-Dec-10 11:12:36

libelulle I don't intend to make anyone feel bad, but read the OP; this is not a case of smacking when naughty - this is abuse.

madmouse Sat 11-Dec-10 11:19:32

MrManager whatever it is - a mother who is aware that she is hitting her child when she shouldn't and asks for help should not be told she should have her children removed. Unhelpful. Untrue. Not what Social Services would do if they were aware of the situation. Comment like yours can actually make it harder for OP to seek support.

MrsRhettButler Sat 11-Dec-10 11:19:52

its not abuse mrmanager ffs and even if it was, your post did not help!

DooinMeCleanin Sat 11-Dec-10 11:22:14

MrManager hmm

Op - do you do any activities with her? Getting out of the house always makes things easier and breaks the day up a bit.

But I agree you need to talk to your GP about posible depression/PND.

MrManager Sat 11-Dec-10 11:26:28

"Everyday i end up shouting and screaming at her."
"it's got to a stage where i feel so tense and within an instant i flip and a surge of anger takes over me and i smack her."
"Yesterday i smacked her several times in a row."

Uh, yeah, that sounds like abuse. Sorry if it doesn't fit your preconceptions of a child abuser, but it doesn't change the fact that the child is being verbally and now physically abused. I don't think the OP's regret heals her daughter's bruises.

PressureDrop Sat 11-Dec-10 11:28:33

MrManager, your posts really aren't helpful.

OP, you need to get help as a matter of urgency. Where you go to get it is up to you -Home Start, another charity, the GP, a friend or relative - but you MUST get a break and you must think seriously about how you are going to break this cycle before it becomes a genuinely abusive situation.

Ad just don't smack your DD again. DONT DO IT. Punch a cushion. Lock yourself in the loo and scream. Just don't hurt your child.

madmouse Sat 11-Dec-10 11:31:40

Mrmanager don't go making assumptions - I have several years of personal experience at the hands of a child abuser - I have no preconceptions hmm

I do know about gradations though, and about who can be and wants to be helped and what approach works.

You won't see me condone what the OP does, but then she doesn't condone it herself that's why she's posting.

Your post was unhelpful.

MrManager Sat 11-Dec-10 11:31:42

How aren't they helpful? Would you rather I said 'oh, it's OK, as long as you love them and regret it you can hit and scream at your kids as much as you like'?

haroldthecat Sat 11-Dec-10 11:33:45

Twofalls i have spoken with dd's teacher. They have no concerns about her behaviour indeed she is a model pupil. It's just that she runs rings around me and yes I don't have the energy to deal with it and it's escillating. My fuse is shorter, i snap quicker. I've tried sticker charts but they don't work. I'll give the marbles a go but can't see it working either. It is very reassuring to hear from others who have smacked, even though we know it's wrong and the guilt we feel after is unbearable. I don't think i am abusing my daughter. I smack her because her behaviour is out of control - she is being naughty (hate that word). I don't want to do it which is why i posted here. Yes my second post was a bit self pitying but it was the middle of the night and i was feeling utterly ashamed and depressed at the time i wrote it. Maybe she should in into care though... I really don't know anymore. I'm not exaggerating when i say i have no family or support to speak of who can help. Dh is pretty crap and doesn't get involved in childcare really. I will try and discuss things with my hv.. Although i must admit i'm a bit scared at what she'll do. I don't want to lose my kids. Today is a new day. Might be a better one.

madmouse Sat 11-Dec-10 11:43:42

Harold say to your HV that you find her behaviour very challenging, does she have any advice how you can deal with her calmly and constructively.

haroldthecat Sat 11-Dec-10 11:44:20

crossed posts. Thank you all (most of you...) for your concern and advice. I think i might have pnd and will do something about it. I really do need one to one quality time with dd, i recognise that but it's the dread... I don't enjoy her company because it inevitably ends with one or both of us crying. I am bf my son so can't leave him with dh for too long either. My daughter has no bruises. I don't beat her up. I have smacked - not thumped - her on more than one occasion and that is not my style which is why i'm here. I do need help!! Thanks to most of you for not judging me and understanding that i love my daughter.

marula Sat 11-Dec-10 11:48:25

Hello HC - you do sound like things are getting you down and you need to put some strategies in place for you and your daughter to help you both. 5 is a trying time.

I used to count to 10 - I know this sounds very simplistic but it really worked for me. Deep breath (literally) and count to ten.

Try to just have the arguments that matter - so much can be just ignored - it won't make her become a bad person. But will help you cope more

Good luck with this - talking about it really helps

haroldthecat Sat 11-Dec-10 11:48:34

PressureDrop thank you. I will remember your words next time i feel angry.

haroldthecat Sat 11-Dec-10 11:50:55

madmouse / marula thank you for your support.

PlentyOfParsnips Sat 11-Dec-10 11:56:07

Oh god, poor you and poor DD. I went through a very similar patch when I had DS and DD was 3. I actually felt, for a while, that I didn't love DD anymore. I resented her, she resented the time I was spending with DS, I felt so guilty and horrible.

You need some time to yourself and some time alone with DD - regularly. Where is DH in all of this?

Emergency strategies:

- put the baby somewhere safe, walk away and take a few mins to yourself
- punch a pillow and roar
- sing a song at the top of your voice
- get out of the house, even if it's raining

Don't be afraid of asking for more help. MrManager is talking out of his arse.

For me, things got a lot easier as the baby became more independent.

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