Don't know how to feel

[snowmash]

I am overwhelmed by flashbacks/nightmares, bad thoughts, bad sleep and very sad.

[and horrible self-esteem, but no use going there].

My GP doesn't feel primary care can offer anything, and doesn't feel able to prescribe drugs or talking therapy...says that needs a psychiatrist (said that over a month ago).

They/I know what's wrong with me, and what's triggered it.

But I am scared. Scared of seeing a psychiatrist. Scared even more of seeing a CPN (worked in two tier 4 psych settings, one got on well with nurses, one they thought my profession was a waste of space/ entertainment provision).

It's bad enough the awkward responses and/or assumptions that I'll know what they're talking about in general health, can't face it with this. People find it hard because my profession is seen as thick, but where I work doesn't match that.

And I'm scared of being thrown straight into secondary care (not that I know how it works, but skipping all the GP direct referral services feels bad, and I think she thinks I'm going to top myself as she's been seeing me each week).

And I'm scared of it tearing up my life more.

Why did my GP need to say I'd definitely be seeing the consultant? Is that supposed to be reassuring?

Psych appt is as close to Christmas as it could be.

[Mittz]

I am not sure what to say but couldn't ignore this.

Is it really their place to judge the relevance of your job? That sounds a bit to me. You are a human being with problems. Not to be judged IMO.

Take care and I hope someone can help x

[madmouse]

I dare suggest (having had all your symptoms too) that the fear to be judged is probably unnecessary and possibly a symptom of how you are feeling right now.

I don't know if this is helpful to say or not especially as you are not at all clear how suicidal you actually are) but I got through PTSD (now mostly gone) with lots of counselling partially from NHS Primary care and partially from a specialist charity plus and that has been crucial - lots of support from friends, day and night.

On balance, if you are really bad and have serious suicidal thoughts go and see that psychiatrist. It maybe really helpful

[snowmash]

Thank you Mittz and madmouse

I am not suicidal at the moment (flashbacks include threats to kill if I didn't do as wanted, and how...need those not to be happening as they are not safe at the moment, but I can't control the external triggers).

If it weren't for those I would 'just' be too low to worry anyone (had weeks of friends quizzing me about sleeping/eating/not getting out).

Psychiatrist has :( to happen because someone needs to make a judgement on whether it's safe to give me any drugs - whether that's anti-depressants or sleeping, and nobody else will. It labels me, and when I saw a psych years ago (very young adult) they said nothing was safe for me (until I pointed at my DSis who was being given melatonin by CAMHS, and they decided that was).

GP holds out idea of drugs like it's a lifeline (she can't prescribe for me), but I already take too many - GP asking 'are you taking your ..... and .....' takes 10 minutes (quicker if GP just said drug groups, or better yet, are you taking your meds? ). :( :(

(my own stupid fault for saying I didn't want to be taking x and y...wish I could find someone who wanted 3 months supply).

Psychiatrist also decides if I deserve more talking therapy :( GP doesn't think primary care counselling would help :( (I get it - no point in hurting them too...because if you say you're rubbish, they ask why and then can't bear to hear any more, it's not fair on them or helpful).

I do need to work through some of the stuff I didn't before to stop the flashbacks...just wonder how, when the feelings/images are so powerful.

[snowmash]

Ps madmouae, is it a national charity please ?