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Adult survivors of sexual abuse- any help for their partners?

(5 Posts)
miserableexistence Wed 24-Nov-10 20:56:11

I would really appreciate any suggestions as to where I can look for some some support.

Dp was sexually abused as a child by his step father. It has caused him sever, ongoing issue sinto his adult life which are impacting hugely on our family life.

I feel that I ma nearly 'at the end of the road'. That Myself and Dc would be 'better off' as a single parent family.

D refuses to seek therapy either individually or as a couple.

I am tired, I need support or to leave.

Any support, suggestions or help very gratefully recieved.

madmouse Wed 24-Nov-10 21:09:11

I'm sorry things are so bad for you sad

I'm a survivor myself and I know things have not always been easy for my dh...

I am frustrated on your behalf that he doesn't want counseling, in my view it is essential. He may be totally terrified of how much it is going to hurt - the answer: a lot but then it gets better.

Have you done any reading? I don't know much about male survivors (other than that it is even harder for them to get support than it is for women survivors) but I can recommend a book like 'The Courage to Heal' which has a good section for partners although I have no way of judging how much it will help you.

I do think you are within your rights to say that seeking help for him is no longer optional and that he is endangering your family life.

miserableexistence Wed 24-Nov-10 21:20:09

Thank you Madmouse. I am very sorry that you too have been abused.

Tonight D engineered a row and basically accused me of meing to blame for his abuse (!!) and for the fact that he has no contact with hjis family.

We agreed when DC 1 was born that we would not allow contact with his stepfather, at this point we were not sure that his mother had been aware of the abuse all along so it was very difficult to continue to see her as he did not want to bring it all out in the open so to speak.

A few months ago he gave her a letter telling her in graphice terms what had happened to him. She has stayed with the abuser despite this- HOW??? I believe this has affected him more than anything. he thinks she knew all along about the abuse.I am inclined to agree.

I just want a 'normal'life, whatever that is. We have lived so long under th shadow of this, when will it end (never??).

Sex is not avereything but it is something, I just long to be hel and wanted again.(so selfish I know, given what D is going through).

madmouse Wed 24-Nov-10 21:32:33

Your dh's history (however awful) doesn't take away your normal needs for love, touch and intimacy and you should not expect this of yourself. That's important - you have your needs and that is not selfish. Can he indicate what is safe and what is not? What he can do for you? Even if making love may be too hard, can he make sure he holds you? Kisses you? Tells you he loves you?

Re your dh's mother, unfortunately that is frighteningly common - a significant percentage of partners of abusers who are either aware but felt powerless to stop it or when told will pretend it didn't happen or even deny it and chose the side of the abuser.

cosysocks Wed 24-Nov-10 21:41:15

www.napac.org.uk/supporters/partners/ may be of some help for you.
I hope you can get the help you need.

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