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Fearful of the future and having feelings of total worthlessness...(3 Posts)
I didn't really know how to title this one. I've had talk therapy that wasn't really all that helpful for me and put on the list for CBT. I have general and social anxiety as well as mild depression from time to time. I was making headway without meds but am beginning to plateau(sp?) again.
The main issue just now is the bad thoughts creeping back in. We have had a few major relationship and money issues (like everyone just now) that have been really upsetting and I think it has shaken me. I feel I have taken a massive step back into my old ways. My recurring thoughts at the moment that I am really struggling to battle are basicall what have I done bringing a child into this awful world and what is his future going to be like. I guess all parents worry like this but I am getting obsessive over it. I was putting him to bed earlier and watching him sleep and I left the room and started crying as I feel so guilty and selfish for bringing him into this world. I constantly worry about dying too and how I am going to be leaving him on his own and what if I haven't brought him up well and to put him through the pain of losing your parents and it's just going round and round in my head.
I have tried the usual techniques to stop the vicious circle but it seems any time you are caught off guard the old awful thoughts come back and before you know it they are established habits again. I feel so pathetic too and I feel like my OH is sick of me being like this so I try not to mention it now as I know he doesn't really "get it" and I worry what he really thinks of me when he never seems to get bogged down with this kind of irrationality.
Ohhhhh. Sorry. I am ranting again.
I managed to start DS at a local music class earlier this year and have taken him every week. After the initial buzz and pride in myself for managing to take him, I have become a wallflower again and don't speak to any of the other mum's at all. Another thing my mind likes to do is convince me people don't like me and this is happening again too. I KNOW for a fact the woman next to me at class last week looked directly at me with a serious expression and before I even gave her - or me - a chance to smile I quickly looked away. How rude would that make me look? The first thought I had was "She is glaring at me! What a b*tch!" then I managed to grasp onto some rational thinking and realised that she prob thought I am a bitch because I looked at her then glanced away (as I said above - sorry waffling again).
I am trying to type this all quickly before OH comes in. I don't want him to know that I am regressing a bit as he has enough on his plate at the moment and I have been teary all week already which kind of seems to be annoying him a little... He is really good about my mental health issues but I know it is hard for him to be the rock when he is having a hard time too.
Thanks for any help on this. Sorry for the tome.
Don't be sorry. It's normal to feel this way about your children and the world in genreal. I had to drop off my Dh at the airport the other day and before i'd got home I was in tears about what would happened if the plane crashed!
Sorry I have to go as Ds2 is crying, be back l ater....
You don't have to apologise for the length of your post hoeny, if it helps to get it all out, write pages if you like.
The future, well so many people say it is bleak stuff on the news, blah, blah, but it's important to remember that really, nobody actually knows what will happen. Not only that, but every individuals circumstances are different, and that, as a nation, we have been through worse, rationing, world war two and all that.
I used to have huge worries about global doom and gloom, what I do now is take each day as it comes, avoid the news, and grow fruit and veg in my garden. Seriously, that helps me to feel that everything will be okay, that I am safe.
I do the same stuff with other people - in truth I am terrified of meeting and talking to (new) people. I have been invited to a birthday celebration on Saturday, something that most people would be looking forward to, but I am petrified. I just freeze up. But it isn't the end of the world, and you can and will get better at it, as will I, given time and the right help and advice (and effort!)
Your son will be fine. You will be fine. Try to think of the world through his eyes, I love taking my dd to the bird garden and see her say 'oh wow! Look at his coloured feathers' etc and listen to her trying to whistle to get the bird to 'talk' back to her! Children see the joy in everything, and when someone is depressed and anxious, like you and me are, that's what we lose, the joy in anything.
Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Keep posting and telling us how you are feeling. XXXXX
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