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Wish I was dead

(32 Posts)
Kaloki Mon 15-Nov-10 21:44:50

Thread here

I don't want to reiterate it all, but the basic outcome is that I don't think I can take much more.

I'm exhausted, physically and mentally. I'm having to struggle with my depression, with DH's depression, with MIL's lunacy, with the landlord's idiocy.. I need a break. But I know there's no chance.

Half of me wishes DH had been hospitalised when the paramedics were called because then I'd have got a break. Except I know the really, I wouldn't. He'd have needed me to visit and all the rest.

I've been married 2 months, we haven't had a honeymoon period. As soon as the wedding was over we had to start dealing with all this shit.

How do you cope with someone with an anxiety disorder and depression when they are in a state of constant anxiety and constantly suicidal? I'm not strong enough.

I just want to be left alone, I want to spend a week in a dark room all alone. I can't. I have to do so much, and he's in no fit state to do anything. I have to call everyone, and drive everywhere, and pack and juggle his moods and mine.

If I start crying I don't think I can stop.

I want to self harm, I want to cut every available bit of skin. And I know it'd help, it'd calm me. It'd stop this huge tide of despair. But I can't. Because then everyone would freak out. Because it is bad, it is wrong - no matter how much it helps. It won't kill me, and the pain is minimal - it hurts less than the thoughts in my head. I need it to gain some control, to stop everything spiralling past me. I just want to be left alone to cope with things in my own way. I don't want to phone anyone, talking doesn't help me, I despise phones. I don't want to watch films, they don't distract me, my mind wanders. I want to be alone.

And I can't.

I have to be there for DH.
I have to be where my parents can see me so they don't worry.
I have to be there to deal with this whole hellish situation.

I can't take it.

TechLovingDad Mon 15-Nov-10 21:46:44

I have no advice, but didn't want this to go unanswered.

I do think, however, that your venting here shows that you are thinking semi clearly at least. Instead of self harming you are posting here, knowing others will read it.

You're very brave and, to me, much stronger than you realise.

BelleDeChocChipCookieMonster Mon 15-Nov-10 21:48:47

I know that I can't be of any help to you so I think that you need to give these a call. They can help you. Don't give in, it's a bad patch and you know that you can get through this. You need to stay strong. Give the samaritans a call and please see your GP in the morning.

Kaloki Mon 15-Nov-10 21:50:12

I'm not that strong. Just scared of DH freaking out even more. I'd self harm in an instant if he wasn't here, I've memorised where all the sharp objects are.

GetDownYouWillFall Mon 15-Nov-10 21:50:45

OMG Kaloki sad sad sad

I agree with TechLovingDad at least you are able to vent here. You have some sanity left. Cling to it, and don't let go.

Things are really really bad right now, but you just need to keep holding on. I don't think things will always be this bad.

TechLovingDad Mon 15-Nov-10 21:51:06

You call it scared of DHs reaction, I call it strong enough to stop yourself regardless.

nemofish Mon 15-Nov-10 22:33:35

Aww Kaloki. I know the housing situation can be really unsettling, you feel like you ahve nowhere to call homw, but, it won't be forever and you will find somewhere. Whereabouts, roughly, are you?

I know you love your dh, but tbh I don't think you can cope with someone elses depression, in the sense that even someone who is in good, robust mental health will struggle. Do you feel like a carer? Do you have support as a carer?

Do you think some short term medication would be a good idea for you? (I am thinking along the lines of beta blockers or more likely valium).

I have spotted you on the wiccan / pagan threads, iirc, is there any meditation or getting in tune with nature stuff that you could do that might ease the pain? Flask of tea walking, in the woods. GOd I sound like such an old fart which I am.

Sorry i am asking so many questions... have felt very low just recently and wanted to end my life, so I want to help you if I can.

Kaloki Mon 15-Nov-10 23:20:10

I'm on the Herts/Beds/Bucks border, right by Luton.

It's mixed with caring, DH cares for me, I care for him. We are both carers, and normally it is ok. We can take turns, but right now we are both unable to help ourselves or each other.

I'm going to try and see the GP tomorrow, especially as I am running low on Citalopram.

I really want to meditate, but have nowhere calm to go. Wish it was summer, I could go outside then.

TechLovingDad Mon 15-Nov-10 23:31:40

Do you have one room you can just turn the lights off in. Bathroom, perhaps? Can be just as calm as sitting under a tree on a sunny day.

I do all my meditating on the pot. grin

Kaloki Tue 16-Nov-10 00:41:48

That sounds like a plan TLD, might get DH to help me move some boxes, and maybe see if he'll join me. Might help us both.

TechLovingDad Tue 16-Nov-10 00:52:06

I've always found the bathroom is great for thinking. Only room I can lock and think (fart) to my heart's content.

ChippingIn Tue 16-Nov-10 00:53:33


Just wanted to say 'Hi' and 'I'm thinking of you' - but I hope you are off meditating with DH and feel a lot better now.

You cope with so much - you do so well.

Stay strong x

hobbgoblin Tue 16-Nov-10 00:58:12

what TLD said at 21:51

I'm very near you but not sure how useful i might be

Kaloki Tue 16-Nov-10 01:00:54

TLD - that made me smile, thank you for that!

I'm feeling more relaxed, partly because my painkillers make me feel a bit tipsy. Am going to bed soon, so I guess I made it through today. Something to cling to at least. Hopefully tomorrow will bring good news instead of bad for a change.

JarethTheGoblinKing Tue 16-Nov-10 01:05:26


Chatted before under a different name on the LC threads, but didn't want this to go by without my wishing you both well.

Hopefully you've found a calm space. Don't forget that just switching the lights of an turning on something like Sigur Ros can help

TechLovingDad Tue 16-Nov-10 01:08:06

If it brings more bad news, try to think that things can only go up from there. They will, eventually, they always do, somehow.

My mum always says, "You wake up everyday and think you can't cope. One day you wake up and realise you've ARE coping".

Kaloki Tue 16-Nov-10 01:11:08

I like that phrase, might write it somewhere I can see it.

TechLovingDad Tue 16-Nov-10 01:11:59

On the back of the bog door. Then you can see it while you meditate. Win - win.

Kaloki Tue 16-Nov-10 01:12:16

Jareth LC? Also, your name makes me smile, haven;t seen Labyrinth in ages.

JarethTheGoblinKing Tue 16-Nov-10 01:13:55

Atkins threads (or have I misremembered)
I'm sure I've spoken with you about Suede and rats before though (not that those two things are related of course )

Kaloki Tue 16-Nov-10 01:16:10

Definitely talked about Suede, Brett Anderson was my first proper celeb crush!

TechLovingDad Tue 16-Nov-10 01:19:10

You fancied Brett Anderson? OK, now you DO need to call the Samaritans!!

Sorry grin

Kaloki Tue 16-Nov-10 01:20:23

Sssh you, he used to be cute. Then I discovered Nicky Wire and Brett Anderson was forgotten

TechLovingDad Tue 16-Nov-10 01:23:39

The only positive thing about Brett Anderson is that he cited Prince as a major influence.

Actually he's ok.

Suede rats, now there's a market.

Kaloki Tue 16-Nov-10 01:27:42

Maybe I can train my rats to play "Beautiful Ones"?

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