Mosschops 'non depression' depression ;-(

[mosschops30]

Following on from last weeks thread things have not improved.
Me and dh had a lovely night away and I really appreciated eating a meal in peace, having a drink together and talking, laughing all night at the comedian and then falling asleep without the added worry of being woken up in 2 hours

However have been back almost a week now and still feel no better.

Am terrified of going to the GP, dont want to have PND on my records in case it affects job prospects in future, I also dont want to end up like friends on AD's for the next 5 years

But I know all is not well and I cant shake it, I am not training (normally do about 4 times a week), seem to have lost my fight, am a proper northern girl who doesnt suffer fools and now would rather walk away from an argument because Im tired and emotional, I could cry on demand.
I feel so very guilty about ds2's birth, I wish Id never had a CS, feel like everything that happened is my fault, am upset that me and ds2 dont have as many baby pics together as with ds1.
My PTSD counsellor says that anniversaries are hard (ds2 will be one on 27th) and that a resurgence of some symptoms is normal, but I feel like its different to the PTSD (although that is getting worse again too).

Please give me some advice, I dont know what to do, this just isnt me

[mosschops30]

anyone?

[GetDownYouWillFall]

Hi there mosschops30 sorry you are feeling so bad. Depression is not something you can easily snap out of. Don't be too hard on yourself about not being able to shake it. It bites and clings on - hard!

It's great you had a lovely night away with DH and the fact you were able to talk, laugh at the comedian, and sleep, are all very good signs.

Perhaps you are not severely depressed, because if so it would be very hard to find any enjoyment in anything. You probably would not have felt better on your evening away.

However, you could have moderate depression. Sounds like if you are on the verge of tears all the time, lost your "fight" and not doing the things that you normally enjoy... you could be depressed.

It's not your fault that you had a CS. The fact that you are both here and safe is the only thing that matters. It doesn't matter the way he came out of you. And you can take plenty of photos of him growing up - it really doesn't matter.

I don't think having PND on your records would affect your job prospects... what line of work are you in? And anyway, PND is linked specifically with birth, so it's not considered a long term mental illness.

You won't necessarily be on ADs for years and years. You can start to wean yourself off gradually after 6 months if you get better on them. Perhaps you just need them right now, for a short while.

[mosschops30]

but I just dont 'do' depression (which is what my thread last week was about) its just not me, I am not a weepy, let everything bother me type of person, ive been through so much shit in life but just get up and carry on each time.

Im finding this so difficult to deal with because i just want to pull myself together.

I am a nurse so have to fill in a medical questionnaire every time I go for a new post. They are aware of my PTSD so I feel to have PND on my record as well probably wouldnt be great

[GetDownYouWillFall]

Well I'm not sure anyone would say they particularly "do" depression either. It's not a choice you know?

[ladypop]

I agree with the last post. I am coming to terms with the fact that I have mild depression. I know I have had possible depression in the past, but have really fought with myself over this one and kept convincing myself that I was not depressed, but have slowly realised that i am. I actually feel a bit better in wierd kind of way now that I have started to accept it and am moving forward to get help through my GP.

It does not make you a weak person - I am so surprised the amount of strong women I have told me that they have had depression in the past. It takes a lot of balls and strength to admit to yourself that things are not quite right. xx

[mosschops30]

thanks ladypop thats exactly how I feel about it, like it will be admitting weakness. My fear is that if I get on antidepressants i will never get off them.

I have made an appointment to see my new GP next week, although can see me chickening out of going

I just wish I could take a magic pill and wipe out all memories of ds2's birth and become a much happier person than I am right now

[mosschops30]

bump for the wkend advisors

[nellieisstilltired]

pnd will make no difference on the form - they are more worried if you dont seek treatment.

Been there, got the t shirt. Go to the gp stop worrying about the job. It will not affect your future.

[mosschops30]

but it does seem to be everywhere, I dont want to be just another person with 'depression' just because im a bit down or things are getting on top of me, thats life.
I just want to know if its related to the PTSD, if its PND or if im just generally cranky and pissed off

[madmouse]

Mosschops my PTSD is complex (though nearly gone I hope now) but became acute almost two years ago. For a year and a half I lived on adrenaline, constantly having flashbacks and feeling under attack, prepared for everything, not sleeping. Then when the flashbacks eased off and I slept a bit more the adrenaline tailed off and the effect of that seemed to mimic depression, I got very low, even suicidal again, which I hadn't been for quite a while.

St Johnswort, support and patience helped enough (although not quite at the moment but that is due to a huge chunk of new memories coming back)

Could something like that be going on for you?

[mosschops30]

maybe madmouse i have finished my PTSD treatment now but am seeing some symptoms coming back (minor flashbacks, dreams, irrational behaviour relating to the incident). I rang the PTSD team and they said that at the time of the anniversary its normal to have these happen again.

But I dont remember feeling this low before, this down and emotional, with no fight left in me really

[nellieisstilltired]

I would say that anyone who has ptsd is at a high risk of developing depression of any description.

The face that you have a baby means the depression is more likely to be labelled as pnd.

Nice guidelines state that mild depression responds well to counselling, however a combination of ad's and counselling should be considered.

If you start on ads they wont keep you on them forever. you yourself will know how well you are doing and whether you can do witout them. I'm not a fan of ads but they have helped in the past. I think (and its very easy t say this) that whether yo stay on them long term depends on how able you are to fight your way out of it. (disclaimer I dont mean pull yourself together, nor am I referring to severe depression)

And like you say it is hard working shifts and having 3dc, there never does seem to be a moment in the day and getting out of the
house to do anything can be a battle. talking to the gp could help though as they are objective. just make sure you dont leave with pills only.

[mosschops30]

nellie we have private health insurance so counselling is a real option for me, however I know that to get this i would need to be referred by a bupa recognised psyciatrist.

Which means I would have to go through the whole scenario all over again (which is still distressing), I have to do it next month with an indeendant solicitor for the court case which Im not looking forward to.

Have you seen American Beauty?? Where Kevin Spacey tells his wife that shes become so joyless, that she just cares about her italian silk cushions, thats how I feel ive become. I want to enjoy simple stuff again, I want to go out for walks and appreciate it, spend time with friends and enjoy it and them.
Is this making sense or am I rambling, sorry

[expatinscotland]

I don't 'do' depression, either. To the point where instead, I was doing suicide and got caught in the act. Or, another time, to where I went to the see a practice nurse about thrush and my condition was so appalling she pretended she just needed to nip out, whereupon she got the doctor out of whatever it was he was doing because I was so visibly ill.

If it's the point where it's making you something other than the person you fully want to be, the mother you want to be, the wife you want to be, the nurse you want to be, then yeah, you carry on with it and go see the doctor about getting some help.

Don't get to where I was. And don't think you won't because you're made of the hard stuff.

[expatinscotland]

Or, and most of my own experience of depression there's very little weeping going on.

There's just a sort of numbness that's so pervasive it's hard to explain to someone who hasn't been there. Where you could quite easily stare at a wall. For hours or all night. Where if someone came up with a gun and said, 'I'm going to shoot you', the only thing you'd feel might be a mild sense of relief they are doing the hard job of ending it all for you, followed by the sense you're taking the coward's way out by not doing it yourself.

Or in being self-destructive to the point where death, now or prematurely, becomes a real possibility.

[nellieisstilltired]

dont bother with them then, go through your gp. they do it on the nhs. or through occupational health. and it makes perfect sense, it does sound like depression because I can remember feeling that way. not that thats a diagnosis!

I also went into denial and it took several weeks of dh nagging for me to go to the gp. my family background doesn't "do" depression either. Sadly its a shock when it happens to you. All I would say is dont put it off because if it is depression it is easier to treat when its mild than to let it take hold. (bitter experience)

[nellieisstilltired]

Oh the only time I accepted I had pnd was wehen I was better and looked back to realise how crackers I'd been. (very long suffering dh)

[expatinscotland]

Oh, nelly, I was nuts :o.

[mosschops30]

confused now expat as none of that sounds like me. I dont have that sense of numbness or wanting to end it all, im just very emotional, tired and irritable

[expatinscotland]

Well, it can manifest in all sorts of forms, mosschops. That's why you need to see someone.

Mine was particularly nasty.

[mosschops30]

oh dear have just looked at the royal college of psychs PND page and fall into most catergories on there (tired, emotional, irritable, not wanting to join groups, feeling guilty) laos says its more common after stressful events and after my birth think I get a big fat gold star next to that one

Guess will trundle off to GP then on thursday

[mosschops30]

thanks feel like ive wasted enough time, the first 8 weeks of ds2s life were mostly missed by me
i really want to enjoy him, I only work 2 shifts a week (something I wasnt lucky enough to do with the other two) but feel like Im not making the most of it. Where are all those leafy walks in the park, and me laughing at him on the swings etc, we dont do any of that and I dont know why (well maybe this is why)

Yes expat you are spectacularly direct and tough on threads (you were amazing on my anaesthetic room one) thank you for your honesty