Hello all. Thanks for the replies. Wasn't expecting quite so many responses! I think I'm going to explain things a bit further (if that isn't too indulgent!) and try not to cringe too much. I suppose you are all posting on the mental health forum and so have heard/experienced this kind of stuff before.
Ok, firstly, NanaNina, there's no need to apologise. You didn't say anything wrong and I was probably overreacting. Please don't feel bad.
NurseSunshine, I don't really know. I assume I'd receive medication or some sort of treatment which will help me to feel more normal. But everytime I begin to consider this, I start to worry that I'm just imagining everything and everyone probably feels this way (in fact, I believed that for years) and that I'm overreacting to everything. Other people have real problems and there is often a reason for them, but there is no reason for my life to have gone the way it has. No awful past or anything like that. I'm also a little worried about the practicalities of treatment. I don't want other people to know, but I can't exactly take my son with me. Or is that allowed? It seems odd. So I'd have to ask my parents to babysit and they'd want to know why. Plus, that could only happen at night because they both work full time. Do they even offer things at night?
My little boy is almost three and I'm not sure how much of my problems affect him. We don't get out very much at all. I don't have any friends so he doesn't get to play with other children/people very often. I do worry that I'm depriving him of those things, but I don't know how to change it.
Anyway, a few of the things which are going on. In answer to Scruffyhound, no I don't think I have postnatal depression. I was feeling very bad for a few years before I became pregnant. Shortish backstory: I have always had incredibly low self esteem despite being very bright and doing well at almost everything. I think people would think it was a joke when I talked about myself. I don't like people looking at my face (or any part of my body really) so often turn my face away during conversation or cover it with my hands as much as possible. Started to feel really bad at around 17. Seemed to develop some sort of eating disorder, went from being the star pupil of my school to somebody who no longer attended sixth form because I couldn't get out of bed. Funnily enough, no-one thought this was strange. Just treated me like a naughty little girl. I would sometimes just lie in bed all day in silence so my dad wouldn't know I hadn't gone in (he gets home during the afternoon). I also started drinking a lot and often drank before attending sixth form because I couldn't talk to people unless I was drunk. I frequently felt disconnected from the rest of the world, as though I wasn't really there. I thought it was just something which happened to everyone.
Despite all of this, I won a place at a conservatoire. My boyfriend broke up with me because of my unreasonable behaviour (which I hadn't realised was unreasonable). I used to hit him, even in front of other people and scream at him. I was obsessed with the idea of him cheating on me and would threaten people around him. Wouldn't allow him to really look at women on TV if I thought they were better looking than myself. I once threw a glass candle holder at him in the middle of a party because he was sitting on a chair I wanted to sit on. It missed him but smashed against the wall. I also managed to get a reputation as being a bit sex obsessed, which I was, even though he was the first person I'd slept with. I would shout at him if we hadn't had sex that day. All of this stuff was interspersed with me being a bloody excellent girlfriend and lovely and fun. I had quite a male 'following' and treated a lot of people like shit because I didn't care about their feelings. Even now, I find it difficult to care about problems in other people's lives. But it seems odd for me to say that because it's not true all of the time. Nothing of my personality seems stable or true all of the time. I don't know how to act when I meet people because nothing feels natural. I am a very different person depending on who I'm with.
I was quite prone to violent/aggressive outbursts, usually aimed at men. (I'm not even large, was only about 7.5 stone at the time! Can't believe I didn't get a good smack to the face, actually) I punched a table during an A level maths lesson because my teacher refused to enter me for a re-sit (they were understandably concerned as I'd sat exams in the past and not answered any questions. Just sat there with tears in my eyes. All sounds so mad!) My friends described me as 'volatile' and 'crazy, but in a good way', as though I was some great, kooky gal. They didn't realise how much I was struggling.
Anyway, didn't cope well with being at uni. Was completely disconnected with the rest of the world and people openly disliked me. My behaviour became more and more odd and the uni requested that I have counselling. I had 'boyfriends' there, because I can't stand to be alone. I barely knew them and didn't like them. I started to wonder whether I was actually real or whether I was invisible some of the time. Obviously, did not make any friends as they all thought I was insane. Was obsessed with a person at one point and I think it scared him. It was pretty scary. I would switch from angry/sad/sweet/not bothered within minutes when I was talking to him, trying to force him to like me. Also still sleeping with my ex and crying hysterically every time he left because I didn't know how else to keep him in my life. I did consider killing myself at one point (there's a big drop outside the main entrance of the uni) and was building up the courage to climb over the railings, but soon realised I didn't want to die, I just wanted people to realise I really, really wasn't ok. (Got a bit scared that I might actually fall cos the railing was quite slippery :))
Erm, stopped attending uni and got together with my son's father. I hated him. Nothing in common, he's incredibly supid and his family are vile and all possibly have mental health problems too. Really messed up lives, so that was even more difficult to cope with. I'd been plunged into a world of insanity. I didn't believe that I was real by now, or that my actions had consequences, so had unprotected sex all the time, as that was what he wanted. He was quite forceful and I just went along with it. Had a crowd of very rough, stupid friends who knew absolutely nothing about me other than I also hung around in rough pubs and was 'a laff'. So had lots of empty friendships with people who could not connect with me on the level I wanted/needed. Yes, was pregnant, didn't do anything about it because I just didn't care about what happened to me anymore.
Obviously, had a baby, felt very wrong still. Although, I had an eclamptic fit so was quite unusual feeling for a while afterwards and had short term memory problems. Actually, a lot of this stuff is hazy in my memory because it was almost literally hazy at the time. I did not experience life the way I do now. People assumed I was a stupid, scummy young mother. People I went to school with were amazed that I'd had a baby since I'd had an incredibly bright future ahead of me.
Now, I have spent the past few years dragging myself back from all of that and feel better, but still not quite normal. I do not have any friends and find that very difficult. I don't think I'm in a position where I can make friends. I don't know how to act/what to say. I do experience paranoid thoughts. I assume that people hate me, can't stand having people in my house, read into things which were probably given very little thought. Have been with my partner for a year now, although it unfortunately remains long distance. Haven't met any of his friends because I know I won't be able to cope with it. I did meet one uni friend and was almost in tears. Stopped talking, staring into the distance, disconnected from the situation again, started mouthing things to myself and fought the urge to stand up and run out into the street. I did eventaully stand up and say 'I want to go now', so we went. Partner and friend exchanged a 'look'. Felt panicked for about an hour after that and just walked around London crying. Couldn't even explain how I was feeling other than wrong. That is how I feel a lot of the time. Just 'wrong'. Locked myself in the bathroom when I met his family because I couldn't face seeing them. It was all too much in my head and I couldn't cope. Luckily, they didn't notice and I just said I'd been getting ready and it took too long. Then, I also find it difficult to make friends because I hold people to very high standards and always feel disappointed. I think someone is the bees knees and then I find out something I don't like and that's it. They're like the devil in my mind :) My mom describes me as 'fickle', in that I think someone is the best thing since sliced bread and then just 'go off them'. A comical example of this is the time I dumped a boy because I found out he didn't change his socks daily. My moods are also very affected by... nothing. If I leave the house, I don't know how many emotions I'm going to experience before I get back. It is draining. Most recently, I went to a supermarket and felt as though I'd walked into heaven on earth. Everyone was lovely and friendly, I felt like I should live there because I felt so happy there. Then I saw the face of one of the checkout workers and it all came crashing down. Felt unwanted, unwelcome and a bit scared. She wasn't even looking at me!
Throughout all of this, I managed to convince people that I was happy and make jokes about the things going on in my life. I managed to convince them that everything was fine and that I was making rational decisions.
I'm really not that bad at all now, but I still have all of those thoughts. I understand them more now and force myself to act differently but it's still not great. I try to go to surestart but I feel so anxious that it'll be full when I get there that I can barely breathe when I walk through the door. Then stand on my own alternating between tears in my eyes as I'm such a shit mom and I'm letting my son down and feeling on top of the world because one of the moms made eye contact with me. I rarely go out anywhere because I feel that I'm putting people out just by being around them/irritating them with my presence. I feel that bus drivers will be annoyed that they have to stop the bus so I can get on and then other people will hate me for taking up a seat. I realy panic about it and never build up the courage to go out. I have had the urge to hit my boyfriend, but not done it because I know he'd leave me. I've locked him in the house and hidden the keys because I'm terrified that he'll go and never come back. When that madness has disappeared again, I make jokes about my behaviour. I am very, very demanding and he's the only person I talk to. I worry that he will meet someone else because almost every woman out there must be better than me and that will suddenly occur to him one day. I do remember crying at around 17 because someone remembered my name and I'd thought I was so shit that I would be instantly forgotten.
That was very long and I've made myself sound really mad now. I don't think that most of what is going on internally is actually noticable to other people. I doubt that most of you will read that, but I've blurted it all out now and can't edit it because my son is using my body as a clmbing frame. Basically, things aren't as bad as they were, and i've worked really hard to get to this point, but I don't know what to do now. And could i have some advice on condensing that for a doctor please?? I do waffle :)
! Maybe just try and ring a mental health helpline that way its not asking for support and maybe it will give you some guidance? Also its over the phone not face to face. I have done this there are some lovley people out there who will just listen and maybe guide you through it. I was depressed and my dad was suffing with schizophrenia at the same time I rang a mental health helpine and explained I was trying to act normal for my dad but was finding it harder and harder to not just break down. I could not praise them enough they dont ask your name and date of birth or details you can just talk about how you feel and they listen and help you through it. No need for anyone to come to your house or bother you in that way. They may give you the confidance you need for yuor next step?