Struggling mentally/emotionally after traumatic premature birth

[missjulie]

Hi,
I'm 34 & a first time mum.
I gave birth 18 weeks ago to my tiny daughter, who arrived at 32 weeks & 2 days, very unexpectedly.
I experienced a horrific 4 day ordeal before she was finally born,by emergency section and she ended up in S.C.B.U for a month.
The events surrounding the birth and following months have finally caught up with me, and I am now experiencing vivid flashbacks and nightmares about everything.
So very many things happened, so many worrying decisions, everything happened so very quickly. It was, and evidently still is, such a roller-coaster ride. With everything happeneing so quickly at the time, I simply did not have time to 'think' and it now appears as though it has all hit me at once.
I am extremely emotional, and really struggling with this, and wonder if any other mums in the area have experienced anything similar.
So many things happened, that I fear that if I were to type it all, not only would I take up the whole of mumsnet, I feel I would fall apart........

[sleepysox]

You poor love. You've been on a real rollercoaster ride.

I had a traumatic time with the birth of my second child, but not the same as your experience.

I found out at 35 weeks pregnant that he had a rare brain condition and was told he'd die at birth. He didn't die and is doing very well, considering the doctors basically said he'd have a suck reflex and that would be it. He's laughing, babbling and is so cute and adorable. he's 10.5 months and has only just learnt to roll over and so can't sit up etc, but I feel so lucky to have him.

I got flashbacks and nightmares until he was about 6 months, and then they petered out. I think by then I had physically healed from the c section and was getting more sleep, and had had the time to work things through in my own mind.

Things will get better for you, and the old cliche is true- time is a great healer.

If you ever need to talk, please cat me and I'll send you my email addy.

I'm sure more people will have written in the time it has taken me to write this (with numerous interruptions from DS1) who have more useful and relevant things to say, but I didn't want you to have to wait too long for an answer.

[missjulie]

Aw, thank you so much for your reply - i appreaciate you taking the time out of your busy life to do so.
I feel so bad writing a little about my ordeal, when you yourself had such a horrific time!
Am so pleased you could share that with me.
Everyone's problems always eems huge to them, and sometimes others are what it takes to put things into perspective.
What does 'cat me' mean?
And, what does DS1 mean? Mumsnet virgin here!
I have put things in motion with my health vsitor this week, she is going to refer me to talk to someone who may be able to help with traumatic births.
It must have been truly horrific for you when you were giving birth.

[sleepysox]

Don't feel bad, you had a horrific time too.

I was lucky because I had a c section that was planned in advance as my son's head was too big to deliver naturally. I was also lucky in that i had 3 weeks to prepare for my son's disability.

DS means 'darling son'
cat me - cat messages are a way of private messaging a mumsnetter.

Here's my email if you want to chat
sally-hinchliffe @ gofast .co uk minus the spaces

DS1 (oldest son) is pestering me- must get on, but please email me if you wnat to so we can talk further.

Contacting your HV is a great start. Talking things through will def help.

[missjulie]

Yes, sleepysox, i definately feel like i need to talk and talk and talk, and cry and cry and cry.......althoug, have been doing a lot of crying the last 6 weeks or so, and really do not feel any better at all.

[madmouse]

I had a three day labour with ds, rotational forceps in theatre in the end narrowly escaping a section. Then all seemed fine, ds had apgars of 9,10,10 - then at 12 hours old he stopped breathing and had seizures every 5 min that stopped his breathing again.

1 week in NICU, a diagnosis of brain damagis (resulting in some mildish disabilities) and another two weeks in SCBU then home on scary meds...

So I know bit how you feel even though ds was term.

I ended up with a diagnosis of PTSD (although there were child abuse issues behind it) and it has been very not fun. Talk talk talk - on here, to friends, dh/dp if you can, counsellor...

flashbacks are the pits - they are your brain trying to make sense of things.

[missjulie]

Oh hun, that sounds truly horrid too.
I had 4 day labour, steroid injections to develop baby lungs, drip to stop contractions, Strep B infection, fully dilated for 4 hours, drip to speed up contractions, and finally a spinal and emergency section - where she was completely empacted, stuck in my pelvis.
She was on oxygen initially, and rushed to scbu, had strep b herself, meningitis, brain haemorrhage, god, the list goes on
Have been reading up on PTSD, think this may be what i have.........
Yes, getting referred to someone, so hope the appointment comes through quickly, before my head explodes!

[sleepysox]

madmouse, that sounds horrific.
How old is your little one now?

missjulie- it's horrendous what you've been through. This is the place to be to start to turn things around. MN has helped me no end. There are some really lovely people on here.

[madmouse]

My ds is 2.5 years old and had a prediction of blindness, epilepsy and other unknown disabilities but God is good and he's doing well. His speech is slow to get going and he has mild cerebral palsy affecting his right hand side so he cannot yet walk unaided (he's very fast in his walking frame though0 and struggles to use his right hand. But look at my profile and see a very happy clever boy

[missjulie]

she is 18 weeks now.
Everyone seems lovely.
xx

[missjulie]

madmouse - i can't access your profile, seems to be a problem, shall try again later.
Sounds like you have had a horrendous time.

[sleepysox]

I'm so glad he's doing so well madmouse.
He looks adorable in your piccies. That walking frame looks fab. Did you get it on the NHS? (Just planning ahead! LOL).

We don't know what to expect with DS. We were told initially he wouldn't walk or talk, but he's babbling and can now roll over, so we're hopeful. It's just a case of waiting and seeing. Children who have his condition vary widely in what they can and can't do, so we just keep up with the sensory stimulation, physio etc and hope for the best.

[missjulie]

I feel so selfish guys with my mere problems compared to yours! I take my hat off to both of you for being so strong, so positive! Well done! xxx

[madmouse]

missjulie go wash your mouth - I have been where you have been and it is nasty - do NOT minimise your own feelings and keep talking! I've seen the premmies in SCBU and seen their parents positive one day because little one is breathing with CPAP and in bits the next as baby got too tired or got an infection. It's devastating.

sleepysox yes keep hope - ds was meant to be blind because his visual cortex is shot - the doctors have no idea why he sees but they are quite happy

Yes the walking frame is on the NHS, as are his shoes and his lovely Heathfield chair. NHS here is good - he's had the same physio from when he was 6m old and that helps. he also mixes mainstream nursery with two mornings at special school which is great. Do you have portage? If not go bully someone to get you portage, try HV.

[sleepysox]

YOu're not selfish. Everyone's problems are hard. You're going through an incredibly tough time and are handling it with aplomb.
I can't imagine having to go through what you've been through. You are doing amazingly well.

Keep strong.
Have emailed you btw!

[madmouse]

sleepysox would you mind telling me the name of his condition?

[missjulie]

thank u guys
can hardly see thru my tears 2 type!
xxxx

[sleepysox]

mm- we have got portage and we get physio, so we are quite well supported. I'm just interested in how you can get equipment etc.I don't know when to start asking for it, or how to go about it.

what you just said to mj- is exactly what I wanted to say, but couldn't articulate it.

[madmouse]

missjulie don't know about you but I found the toughest thing with PTSD the feeling constantly under attack - never know when the next flashback will hit, being afraid to go to sleep because the memories come just before falling asleep....for me the memories started with SCBU ones (walking through Tesco became walking through hospital corridors being so afraid ds would die...) and turned into long suppressed abuse memories which complicated matters so you may feel different. Just wondering how you are feeling really.

sleepysox the walking frame was the brainchild of the physio because she could see ds was desperate to walk but is some way off doing it alone (he basically killed our backs by wanting to hold our hands so he could walk places....). For equipment you need occupational therapy and you can self refer to them and they will come and assess your needs. I self referred for a safe chair for him to play in when he outgrew his bumbo at 2years.

[sleepysox]

mm would you mind giving me the name of the chair, as that's what I'm starting to research now. DS has almost outgrown a bumbo at 10.5 months, so I'm starting to research alternatives. Babies r us etc has nothing suitable (not surprising really!).

I didn't know I could self refer for an OT, so guess who I'll be phoning on monday!

[sleepysox]

you've been through a lot mm. How are things now for you? I hope you manage to get some sleep at night.

[missjulie]

yes, madmouse, i do constantly feel 'under attack', it always hits me most in the evenings, or when i am tired (most of the time), and especially when i shut my eyes when i get into bed - it has got to the point that i actually hate going to bed, i almost prolong it. The flashbacks can be about anything, from the moment my waters broke - right up to and including once home from hospital and struggling with the lack of breast milk, the guilt, oh god, so so many things..........

[madmouse]

Heathfield chair - it is a minimum support chair though as ds can sit on the floor unaided. It has a footrest and a tray and the idea is that he has a bit of support so he can relax the muscles in his right arm and use it better when he plays and does craft.

If your ds needs trunk support you may need something different.

[madmouse]

missjulie what I hated most was that the PTSD affected my concentration so if I sat in my bible study group I would not be able to keep up half way through as I got too tired. Then I would zone out and promptly be in the middle of horrendous flashbacks. Thankfully two very close and supportive friends (a couple)were in that group and they would see what was going on and support me even if only listen on the way home. (I'm a minister's wife so tend not to be totally open about what has been going on with the people in church).

I wish I had some advice on how to deal with them but for me it was a matter of dealing with all the painful feelings in counselling which is ongoing.

I'm coming out on the other side now, a year and a half later (don't worry you may recover much faster) - I'm generally starting to feel better (still bad days) and have recently started feeling better. I take St Johnswort as when the adrenaline of PTSD left me I went very low and it has helped me.

I must say though that in my particular situation I doubt I would still be here without me ds to care for and without the few friends I allowed close and who were always there. Do talk to those around you.

Sorry this may be a bit of a long ramble.

[missjulie]

Not at all madmouse, it is not a ramble at all. I feel a tiny bit better knowing that i am not alone - which is exactly what one thinks.
Yes, i am reaching out this week - like i have finally admitted to myself that i DO actually need to talk.

[madmouse]

Glad it helps - if you want you can CAT me so we can email or find each other on facebook if you are so inclined (another life saver - I found talking face to face so so hard, I talked a lot on fb chat)