it feels like the GP gave me the greenlight to exercise and starve

[SagacityNell]

Meds have not worked and today i was supposed to be referred to hospital and psychiatry. I didn't want that and said i would like the chance to see if exercise would help. I know that it does, i felt great when i was exercising last year but i know that half that feeling of 'euphoria' was from exercising and not eating.

GP gave me a referal to gym which means that a) it's a hell of a lot cheaper because its for a medical need and b)she agrees to give me a last chance before referral and i will be supposedly monitored.

However, i feel like i have now been given "permission" to go back to how i was and it feels really wierd. NOw it's iek a challenge to see how much weight i can lose and how much better i can feel by my next appt. Part of me knows that is not right but a bigger part of me feels like finally i have something to aim for

Ah well, at least i avoided the self harm question again

[MathsMadMummy]

did you tell the GP how you feel on this issue?

[SagacityNell]

yep. Oddly enough, my eating is something i am the most honest about.
#
Told her that exercise made me feel great but i tend to take it too far. She also has my notes on the screen which say recurrent anorexia. She is lovely and remembers little things i have said from appt to appt.

[innocuousnamechange]

You know that your GP hasn't given you premission to starve. You have given yourself permission to starve, under the illusion that the GP has said it's ok. It's not, and you know that. I do know where you're coming from though I was very recently diagnosed as anorexic and have indeed taken that as a challenge- kind of, 'well, if you think I'm anorexic, I'll show you just how well I can do it'.

[SagacityNell]

I don't know what's real anymore wrt eating tbh.

[SagacityNell]

I haven't eaten "normally" for 20 years!

[Meglet]

I'm not familar with the whole story but are you suffering from mental health problems and over-exercising / under-eating to get control over it all?

Why don't you want to see a psychiatrist? I've always found them helpful, well the counselling side of it.

[OrmRenewed]

Well exercise will make you feel good. I think if you can concentrate on that and not go too far down the non-eating road, you will be OK. You know what is good for you - you don't NEED permission to do that.

[SagacityNell]

Meglet - no not at the moment. I have done in the past. I have a history of major depression and EDs that the DR knows about and also SH which she doesn't. Have had Prozac, citalopram,sertraline,mirtazapine and venlafaxine. Some have made me feel worse and some have caused such violent reactions that I had to stop taking them. Much more than just bad side effects. I don't want to see a psychiatrist or a counsellor because I don't want to rake up the past.

[SagacityNell]

Orm - I will be monitored from time to time if I go to gym via the referral and I know that ultimatly its down to me and no one else to eat or not eat but right now its hard to keep sight of the fact that's its wrong to restrict or binge/purge.

[msrisotto]

Well there's raking up the past and there's repeating it Sag, which one is better?

[Meglet]

ah, ok. I refused to take medication in the end for the same reason (hello A&E! ).

But if you don't talk it out it's going to fester .

[SagacityNell]

I will not be repeating the past MrsR. I was abused for many years.

[SagacityNell]

Sorry meglet

[Flamesparrow]

How you doing today?

[SagacityNell]

Just feel on the brink. i don't know of what, pretty careless SH yesterday that will take some hiding but i get to drown in vodka 2nite and 2 mo so thats something.

[msrisotto]

Sorry,I meant repeating the past eating behaviours which you intimated in the title.

What is SH?

[SagacityNell]

SH = self harm

nothing big or long lasting, i just did it without thinking that people would see it (wrist) will have healed in a week or so.

odd eating behaviours are normal for me so in a way its comfortable and safe.

[msrisotto]

But of course you know that it isn't normal, comfortable or safe.

I'm sorry that you self harmed yesterday. Do you have anyone close to you who you can talk to when you're feeling out of control or on the brink? You need to find yourself other ways of coping as the ones you know are clearly not enough for you.

[SagacityNell]

I have a friend who knows I have harmed in the recent past but I don't want to interrupt her day/life if I am shit enough that I can't get a grip on things enough to not hurt myself. The last 2 times I felt this bad I got tattoos.

[msrisotto]

If she's a friend of yours, she'll be concerned for you and would prefer you to talk to her if it would help you.

[Flamesparrow]

You can talk to me whenever you need me. I know I seem buried under my own stuff, but I am always able to ignore my things.

[SagacityNell]

It's better all round if it stays in x