Suddenly undecided about termination, feel desperate

[brambly]

Hello. I hope nobody objects to my posting about this but I don't know where else to turn.

I found out I was pregnant just after Christmas, am now around 6 weeks. The first factor that renders this situation less than ideal is that my partner and I have only been together since the early autumn, and he (very devoted and in touch with emotions, also significantly older) remains a lot surer than me (his opposite in virtually every regard). Moreover, I started university in September, have for some years now been in a pretty ghastly job which I now juggle with uni, have a large operation scheduled fairly imminently that could not be performed on me whilst pregnant - and not having had it performed prior to pregnancy risks a very uncomfortable/potentially complicated third trimester and guarantees a c section. To cap it all, have just been turfed out of my house (swiped by unscrupulous property acquisition company) and so am back with my family for a month or so with a view to finding a new rental/house share soon. So logically, to say it isn't the time is something of an understatement.

For the first few days I gave the whole thing very little thought. Partner went to pieces about the whole thing and was confiding in various friends about his heartache at the situation, and rather unhelpfully saying things to me about his melancholy curiosity as to the baby's gender, hair colour, future personality etc. I am somebody who runs very much on logic over emotion so gently spelt out the reasons why continuing the pregnancy were unwise, and the consensus was that this was what was sensible. Neither of us have much money, partner is primarily self-employed in an area that he loves but the income itself is unpredictable.

I went to the doctor and booked an appointment with BPAS; appointment was yesterday and the procedure is now booked for Monday.

Trouble is I've changed my mind. I broached the subject very subtly with partner last night and it seems that my constant banging on as to the virtues of logic over emotion are more compelling than I'd assumed. he has had a colossal change of heart. Very ironically (considering all my horror at his romanticisation of the idea of parenthood and heartbreak at the idea of losing the foetus) he seemed almost distressed at the possibility of continuing the pregnancy, telling me he wanted to go ahead with the termination and citing all of my prior reasons back at me very vehemently and pointing out that he would have to give up his burgeoning creative career. I wanted to insist that this was not so but I felt this would make my current feelings on the issue abundantly clear so held my tongue, and rather embarrassingly dissolved into tears as soon as we'd hung up (I'm not a cryer).

I am terrified of Monday. I am terrified of having the termination and of not having it. I am terrified that were I not to, he would feel duty bound to give up his career and I would never forgive myself in all likelihood. The morning sickness has hit me like a freight train which makes it very difficult to think straight, of course. I think what has confused the issue further for me is that thanks to a pelvic ultrasound for other reasons on the day I ovulated, I know that in all likelihood I will have conceived on the day that my grandfather died.

I just don't know what to do, or indeed what I am doing. I have spoken to my mother briefly about it all and she has been very kind, but at my own instigation fairly hands off, and I have not made the extent of my doubts plain.

I just feel paralysed by it all. Every possible route seems disastrous but ultimately I am now fairly sure I don't want to go through with it.

Any suggestions, own experiences, anything at all would be very gratefully received.

I know I'm not a mother yet so I hope it is not bad etiquette to be posting here, I just didn't know where else to come.

[ILikeUranus]

Hello, my daughter was conceived by accident when I was in the middle of doing my degree. It wasn't great timing! Nothing about babies makes sense - why do people have them? They're expensive, exhausting, inconvenient and your life changes. But they also bring more love and joy than you can possibly imagine feeling before you have them. It doesn't make sense and you can't logic it out, but it is the best thing that can ever happen to you. I hope you're ok. x

[wannabestressfree]

My now 18 year old came to uni with me :).....if you feel unsure please delay. Get some counselling. Focus on what you Want. Your relationship will survive whatever you decide if its the right relationship....

[timelytess]

I haven't ever been in your position.

As a regular MN reader, I'd say a whole series of red flags are waving in the breeze about your 'partner', an older boyfriend you've had only a few months and who first tried to get you interested in the baby and now supports a termination. His reasons, by the way, are nonsense. When did you ever hear of a man giving up his career because his girlfriend was pregnant? I'm not saying its never happened (this is MN after all, and thousands will now post saying their partners did just that) but do you know of many cases? I don't and I've lived for years and years...

So, you have time before Monday. Have a walk, a bath, something nice to eat, a sleep. Then sit somewhere quiet and think. Think about the pros and cons. Write them all down. But think as a single woman, without taking him into consideration at all. He's not your 'partner' yet, you hardly know him. Just do this for you. Then write down your decision and your reasons, and proceed in whichever direction you have chosen.

Good luck.

And watch the old guy. I think he sounds a bit dodgy.

[TheWanderingUterus]

This decision is one of the hardest to make because there is no right or wrong answer.

What I will say is that I made a similar decision on the basis of logic, but whilst I was waiting for the procedure I was completely overwhelmed with emotional considerations, to the point that it felt like I was being ripped apart between logic and emotion. Logic got me to the clinic, emotion kept trying to convince me to leave before the procedure. I have never been so divided and unhappy in my entire life. I did have the termination and it has turned out to be the best decision I ever made, for a number of reasons, but I was very unhappy about it for over a year. The logic that led me to terminate was right for me, but it was not at all an easy thing. I see it as a very dark period in my life because had circumstances been different then I could easily see that I would have made a different decision. But the circumstances were what they were and that was the bit I struggled with.

I have also had a baby in difficult circumstances and whilst it is OK now (ten years on), it wasn't ok then and it was much harder than I expected. But other people have very much taken it in their stride and found it had an absolutely amazing, positive influence on their lives.

Just focus on the fact that by Tuesday the decision will have been made and you can move on with your life. This awful limbo period is horrendous and I wish you love and peace with whatever you decide.

[brambly]

Thank you all so, so much for replying.

Just to clarify regarding partner giving up job since I phrased this poorly - I don't mean this in the "classic" sense, but that since his self-employed work (he also works part time at the company I work at) is a little unreliable, he has made it clear that he would feel he had to give it up in order to secure a more substantial and reliable income.

He's not that much older than me (just over a decade between us, I normally go a good decade older than that ) but I felt it was relevant to mention as inevitably our theoretical takes on this topic were different on the basis of our different life stages.

I don't trust anyone, it is a double of mine! But he certainly isn't acting with manipulation in mind - I don't feel he has the inclination (and to be brutally frank does not have the capacity), I think he is simply allowing his understandable fluctuations in view and emotion to go unchecked - it gives me the sense of a stream of consciousness when he talks about it. He has made it plain that he will support whatever decision I elect to make, but I'm sure is not foolish enough not to realise that this still leaves everything very much on my shoulders and consequently does not make things any easier. I do have sympathy for his position as in effect I have also done a 180 and I can accept that to try very hard to coax himself into seeing my point of view only for me to discard it at the eleventh hour must be alarming.

He is a lot more invested in the relationship than I am, so his consideration of how a baby or termination might affect us is not really playing on my mind to any great extent. I don't know what brought on my change of heart really. I think perhaps seeing the heartbeat during a vaginal scan didn't help.

It's all so difficult. I have always been (and still am) vehemently pro choice, ironically just did an essay on it for uni and scored a first. Stupidly I always assumed I'd find it easy to make the decision should ever I need to. It seems I was wrong :(

[brambly]

And by double I meant foible! Doh.

[timelytess]

Really, focus on what you want. That's the only sound basis for a decision.

[queenofthepirates]

If you decide you want to keep the baby, you'll move mountains to make it happen. Be kind to yourself and whichever way you go, it will be okay. We live in a nice country (I'm assuming you're in the UK), with a good safety net if it goes pear shaped. If you don't, that's fine too. Making the decision is the hardest bit but go with your heart. That's the bit the NHS can't fix.

[SpecialistSnowflake]

I'm absolutely pro-choice, but you do come across as having made an emotional attachment already.

Like the others have said, if you want to continue with the pregnancy, you'll find ways to make it work.