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Not how to handle this...

(13 Posts)
Dannat Mon 18-Aug-08 07:59:59

A couple of months back, I was sent a message through Genes Reunited by somebody looking for their half brother. Turns out that this woman is DH's half sister. DH knows all about her, and her immediate family. They share the same dad but DH hasn't had any contact with his father for his entire life. Obviously, we were in quite a bit of shock and DH struggled to handle the knowledge that his "other family" wanted to get in touch after all this time.

Not wanting to get involved or make things difficult for my DH, I ignored her messages but then she started to send messages to people in my family, my mum, aunt, distant cousins. I then sent messages to all those people she had contacted and, on the request of DH asked them to either ignore her or if they felt they must reply, to leave her with as little info as possible.

Eventually, it seemed as though she had got the message and left off with the messages. However, last night whilst on Facebook, I noticed a message from her in my inbox. I did tell DH what had happened and he has told me to tell her that he is not the person she is looking for in the hope that she will go away. I don't think he feels ready for any kind of relationship with his other family atm and I think he is still trying to come to terms with the shock of it all.

I would do as he has asked and reply with the information I am allowed, but if I do that, she will be able to see my friends list etc, which contains all the people she contacted on the GR site and also DH's mum. I could tell her that there is no connection, but she will work it out as it will be so obvious.

I'm not sure therefore what to write back to her. If I keep ignoring her, she will suspect something dodgy but at the same time, I'm getting a bit annoyed that she seems to be popping up wherever I am.


FioFio Mon 18-Aug-08 08:09:02

Message withdrawn

BecauseImWorthIt Mon 18-Aug-08 08:10:25

Why don't you tell her what you've posted here rather than just ignoring her? Not very helpful for her if she's trying to find/trace her family to just be blanked by you - and if DH has a good reason to not want to be in touch then she should know this as well.

Think about her feelings as well as your DH's.

Jackstini Mon 18-Aug-08 08:12:08

Tell the truth. DH is the person she is searching for but he is just not ready and willing to be in contact, sorry.

MaureenMLove Mon 18-Aug-08 08:15:27

Have a look at her contact info on her FB page. Her e-mail address should be on it. Then you can e-mail her, but not through FB, iyswim.

Dannat Mon 18-Aug-08 08:19:41

I did say to DH last night when I discovered the message that it could be a good thing, getting in touch with her. He seems to think it will be the worst thing ever and doesn't see that anything good can come from it. I am also aware of how ignoring her looks and I am not usually so rude, but obviously I feel that I have to respect DH's wishes.

My intital reaction was to send her a message back saying that yes, she had the right person (she knows this anyway I think and this is the reason she is messaging me all over the place) but atm, DH is in shock, we are still adjusting to life with a new baby and things are a bit up in the air at the moment. I was thinking I could ask her to back off a little bit and that hopefully, in time when he has got used to the idea and thought it all through, he would get in contact with her. DH hasn't totally ruled this out btw, he is just not ready atm and not willing to entertain any kind of discussion on the matter.

Thanks for your replies though.

PortAndLemon Mon 18-Aug-08 09:23:27

I think your initial reaction was/is spot on. You don't need to respect your DH asking you to lie for him when the truth is easier anyway.

Dannat Mon 18-Aug-08 12:35:36

I sent her a message back, saying that she had the person she was looking for, but could she respect DHs wishes atm and refrain from sending further messages until he has had time to get used to the idea/manage his own feelings on the subject. I did say that he hasn't ruled out contact of any kind, he hasn't, but that it has been a lot for him to take in and needs adequate time and space to work out how he wants to deal with it.

That way I haven't lied to her and have considered her feelings in all of this, whilst being loyal to DH and keeping the flow of communication open, just in case this is an avenue he wishes to persue.

BecauseImWorthIt Mon 18-Aug-08 14:49:13

Great message - hopefully your DH will come to terms with it and they will meet up at some point in the future. What a shock it must have been!

eidsvold Tue 19-Aug-08 12:20:10

I think you did the right thing. I would do as you did.

But I think acknowledging that your dh is that person and then asking that she respect that he needs to sort out how he feels about all this is I think the right thing to do.

This is one of the things I don't like about genes reunited - at least on ancestry if you are living it puts in - Living and the surname. So they can see that a particular person had two sons and three daughters but they are listed as living X.

eidsvold Tue 19-Aug-08 12:20:48

That must have been tough for both of you - the stress of being new parents as well as this on top of it.

artichokes Tue 19-Aug-08 12:26:12

I am glad you replied. I have searched for my two half siblings in the past and never got replies. I recently Facebooked one of them and got no reply. I would totally undertand if she wants no contact but would love her to get in touch and tell me just that - at least them i would know that (a) I have found the right person, (b) she had given me some thought and decided she wanted no contact. If I had that info I could stop wandering whether I will ever know any of my father's relatives (he is dead and I have never met anyone related to him).

Jackstini Wed 20-Aug-08 10:07:39

Sounds like the perfect response Dannat, well done.
Artichokes sad hoping you hear something soon

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