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My brother in law and his soon to be wife are moving in?!!!(25 Posts)
So basically, me and my husband got married two years ago and culturally you live with the mother in law for a while. So after a year and 9 months of playing perfect daughter in law, never complaining about anything (and trust me I had plenty, changing my dress code, never having my legs in show, babysitting the nieces and nephews, dealing with noisy relatives, having to have quiet sex, no privacy, dealing with expectations of cleaning/cooking/always having to be there when guests come around (about twice a day MINIMUM! And always being questioned whenever and wherever I go out and what time I'll be back, we finally moved out. However, he brought the house 3 doors down, but being heavily pregnant, I didn't complain, as anything is better then bringing a baby up in that environment right? Especially with the noise and so many children and guests.
Now I just found out my brother in law is getting married, and as my mother in law helped my husband buy the house (by loaning him 15k - which he will pay back) she expects us to let him and his new wife move in because we have two spare bedrooms?
How do I approach the situation, we've just had a baby, I finally just got privacy, our own little home, just us three, I only just got a taste of what it felt like to worry about my own child and my own husband for a change and not have to deal with drama, to wear what I want and to leave the house without being asked where I'm going and what time I'll be back. My mum also just brought me loads of dishes for when my guests come round, loads of pots and pans and I was just making one of the rooms into the nursery. I don't want to have to give up a room for them, or let anyone mess around with gifts from my mother to me, even if it is selfish.
How can I avoid the situation? Please let me know what I should do. I don't want to seem like the bitchy daughter in law but truth is, once they move in, it'll go back to noisy people, wearing more clothing and the relatives coming over this end "to see the relatives".
Could you make a polite excuse that you need the rooms for another purpose? Like that you have already committed to someone else staying?
I think your husband needs to tell his mother straight, that it's not an option why can't your brother in law and his new wife live with his parents, likely had too? Then they can buy their own house when they can afford it?
BiL can have your old room at MiL's house.
I would not be making any excuses I would just say no. Husband needs to tell MIL the loan did not come with any conditions and so they cannot be added after the fact.
I'd seriously be looking to buy a smaller house a bit further away and give the inlaws back their 15k. But in the meantime your dh REALLY needs to have your back. Or this will be your life.
Humm im not sure youre going to get out of this,youve married into a certain culture and your husband seems to be happy towing the line. It doesnt sound like hes going to suddenly stand upto his mother after she has had a controlling stake on how he has lived his life so far. If you step out of line you will forever be the hated DIL.
Can you afford to pay the £15k back so that isn't hanging over you in this?
You seem to have been remarkably passive up until now - didn't you have a say in the house? Why agree to live 3 doors away?
As a PP said, this is clearly the cultural expectations you married into, and your husband seems happy with them. First step will be getting him on side, but I think you might have an uphill struggle there.
Just say NO.
You need to assert your boundaries. Your DH needs to back you up. If you do not, or if he refuses to support you, I fear there will be little future in your relationship and you should leave now.
Why on earth have you agreed to change the way you dress and behave to suit your in laws? Why do you respond to their questions about where you are going? “ Out “ is a perfectly reasonable response.
Tell your DH he says no or you have to move away from family.
So that 15k cane with strings then? Did she buy the house for both her sons?
Just because it’s always been that way culturally doesn’t mean that it’s right. Do you want your children to be forced in to this way of behaving? If not YOU be the change.
When I git with DH mil certainly ruled the family. She would just walk in to my house and talk to me like a child. She would over rule me with my children and even arrange to meet people at my house - random people I never even met knocking on my door and coming in.
I’m the end I stood my ground as I just couldn’t be a part of that any more. There was a big showdown and me and mil fell out. Some of her family members don’t speak me but other do and I make a huge effort Witt them.
She doesn’t own you or your house. Your a grown woman. Change things.
Bil can move in to your old room
Omg. I seriously laughed out loud at ‘pots and pans’. You must be Asian. This is the most Indian MIL thread ever.
Not sure what you expect us to say or help. You married into a restrictive cultural family and have put up with this for nearly 2 years without saying anything.
What does your husband say about it?
I mean I guess your husband and MIL expect you to just put up because you have done all this time 🤷🏽♀️
Put your foot down and expect and endure drama. It’s now or never.
I lived with MIL for nearly 4 years. She is lovely and not crazy like yours. But similar cultural expectations at times. It was fine because that’s the culture I’m from and the one I married into and I understood that.
No way I’d put up with people moving into my house randomly though.
Honestly the time to sort this was ideally before you got married. You and DH should be on the same page and should tell the family how you plan to live together. What does he say? If he’s happy to have them and refuses to say no then you’re stuck really.
But the son and new DIL are supposed to live with his parents, not his brother! Why do your ILs not want them to move into to the room you’ve just vacated? They’ve said you have spare rooms? So do they
I don't think you can. This is the culture that you married into. This was your choice.
Honestly the time to sort this was ideally before you got married.
I agree with this. If you accepted all the traditions and the loan, it's kind of hard to assert independence now. I totally agree with your desire to be independent - but what discussions did you have with DH before you got married and pregnant? Did you assert that desire then? It would have been easier to make that desire clear from the outset.
Maybe best to sell the house, give the loan back and rent with complete independence. Otherwise you'll have to say no, it's our house, a loan doesnt give them any say over the use of the house....
Or you could stop acquiescing to patriarchy in the name of culture ! I am always interested to hear culture called in to justify the subjugation of women... interesting how there are so few 'cultures' that place restrictions of movement, expectations of labour and requirements for enforced social interactions upon men...
Culture is made up of traditions . Time to start some new ones where your DH climbs out of Mamas apron pocket and starts putting his new family first.
Just say no its simple. or make a big meal out of it its your choice.
I think you should live your own life regardless, wear what you want and go out and about when you want to. It's a bit worrying that your husband chose to live so close to his Mother, it all sounds a bit stifling.
Are you from this culture yourself OP?
Respond with "No. We are a married couple with a baby, we want to live alone."
What response would they have to that?
Did they legally give you the money as a gift?
Why have you posted this in the Family History research topic?
You might get more answers if you ask MNHQ to move it to Relationships or Chat.
What on earth induced to you to buy a house three doors away? Was this the only house for sale in the entire town?
Now you need to say firmly that your cultural expectation is the right to privacy.
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