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Part 1 - Am I overreacting to hearing that my paternal grandparents didn't even know about me?

(4 Posts)
aubz88 Fri 16-Aug-19 12:14:15

I’m 31 years old and I haven’t seen my father since I was 10. This past year I decided to open a can of worms and potentially get into contact with him and his side of the family.

I found my grandparents (whom I’ve never met) along the way which is great and I’ve been talking to them over email and over the phone for a few of weeks. They seem really nice. I found out that they didn’t even know about me or that I existed.

This was a real shock to me because my father certainly knew about me and I saw my father about 5 times as a child. My mother even drove to another city to have me visit him once and he came to visit me once when I was 10 in another city as well. He and my mother did not get along and she told my husband that she hates him and didn't want me to know him. My husband had to ask the questions for me because my mother couldn't talk about it without getting angry. She sometimes screamed at me that I'm just like him as a child.

My grandparents were crying because they would have wanted to be involved with me if they had known and they lived in the same city during my entire childhood.

This has put a damper on my enthusiasm for me wanting to reconnect with my father to say the least. I’m in shock. He didn’t even tell his own parents about me. Hid me as a secret for 30 years. However, his friends from high school knew about me.

I also found out from my father’s high school friend that I have 2 half-siblings. I believe that my father’s ex-wife knew about me as well (I remember seeing another name on the one birthday card). I have doubts that anyone in his family including my half-siblings knew about me. What’s also shocking is that when my father visited me that ONE time when I was 10 he was married at the time and probably had the 2 kids already and may have even visited his parents during the same visit.

I want to tell my grandparents how shocked I am and why but do you think it’s too soon? They’re probably still in shock as well. It’s also funny how they haven’t mentioned my father to me at all but they talked to me about my uncle. I think that something’s up. My mother did mention prior drug use by my father but she's not the most credible source. Should I just keep it light for a couple of weeks (maybe 6 or so?) before telling them what I know so far?

SleepingStandingUp Fri 16-Aug-19 12:20:55

If you want a relationship with them, I'd keep it entirely seperate to your father. There's nothing wrong with expressing sadness that you were kept a secret and thus lost 30 years of love and relationships with them but I wouldn't expect them to give you any answers

aubz88 Fri 16-Aug-19 14:55:13


stucknoue Fri 16-Aug-19 15:13:41

Good advice, keep your relationship with them on your own terms and separate to that of your father. Also remember 30 years ago things were a little different for men, if the mother didn't want contact courts rarely awarded the father any visitation rights

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