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My Brother who was adopted has contacted me.

(17 Posts)
ElleMac44 Sat 20-Jul-19 03:53:24

We are both in our early 50s, never met, but he has traced me, my mum was forced to give him up in the 60s. She died 2 years ago and never got over giving him up. Mum was cruel to me, violent, bullying and I've dealt with it all, but now I'm having to revisit my childhood so that db can have information, it's not his fault or mine, but I'm struggling emotionally. There's no one apart from my dh to talk to about it. No other family, it's nearly 4am and this is the 5th night in a row I can't sleep, my mind is a whirl, not even sure what I need advice on, I just need to vent a little, and perhaps there's someone in a similar situation? Who knows. X

crankysaurus Sat 20-Jul-19 04:04:20

I have insomnia too. How much have you told him? Have you felt the need to sugar-coat the truth, or have you been quite honest about it all? It sounds like it's raking over things you'd rather have let lie.

HennyPennyHorror Sat 20-Jul-19 04:05:29

I think you should have counselling. I also think you should contact your brother and tell him that you're in shock about him but that you would like to meet him when you've processed things which happened in your childhood.

It might be very beneficial for you to have another relative in your life OP.

crankysaurus Sat 20-Jul-19 04:07:33

I agree that counseling sounds like a good idea.

Lisette1940 Sat 20-Jul-19 04:13:20

I agree with the other posters about counselling. You may have had more complicated grief due to having such a difficult mother and now this is being stirred up by the appearance of another sibling. Be gentle with yourself. X

ltk Sat 20-Jul-19 04:14:04

Why don't you just get to know him about? Ask about his life, and talk about yours. You can focus on a possible relationship between the two of you, not on your mother. Does he seem like someone you might like and want to get to know?

Mumtolittletorchers Sat 20-Jul-19 04:49:10

Maybe he has had bad experiences too growing up and maybe talking about your childhood out loud to him will help you but counseling is a good idea as well

ElleMac44 Sat 20-Jul-19 04:49:45

He does seem nice, but I'm so wary, I have no other siblings, neither does he, I started by relaying funny stories, and about my family and me, now it's turned more to mum, I have touched on the difficulties, he is understanding that I can't just spill everything right now, it's just thrown up so many emotions, that I thought I'd put away in a box, I think the suggestion of counselling is a good one, I have a lovely GP, so I think I'll go see her next week and see if she can refer me. I'm in such a muddle, I'm a strong person, but this has knocked me for six to be honest. Thank you for all the advice, sometimes you just need to hear others say what they think to get some perspective on it. X

ElleMac44 Sat 20-Jul-19 05:00:21

He has had a good upbringing, his parents chose him afterall, and that is great, I'm pleased, but mum was a tortured woman, she suffered violence and ridicule from her own family, and it was a pattern she learned and aimed at me. She wasn't all bad don't get me wrong, there were good times, but as much ad I would like to tell him all wonderful things about mum, I can't, also it's not quite 3 years since she died and I've only just dealt with my grief. My dad is lovely, but he has terminal cancer, mum and him split when I was a teen, I am just dealing with so much at once at the moment, I want to get my dh and ds and run away in the middle of nowhere for a while with just them, I feel overwhelmed. Sorry for the long post. X

ElleMac44 Sat 20-Jul-19 05:01:39

Not quite 2 years since she died, sorry!

HennyPennyHorror Sat 20-Jul-19 05:22:51

It sounds like a really pivotal time for you OP. You can't underestimate the stress that your Dad's illness is going to be causing you right now. It's a terrible thing to go through...seeing a loved parent suffer.

Be very gentle with yourself.

llfamily Sat 20-Jul-19 09:35:18

Don't rush things OP

iwillkeepthishouseclean Sat 20-Jul-19 09:40:12

This will mean more to him than it may to you but try and build a relationship with him ... be honest about the past as he needs to now don't sugar coat of for him it's not fair on you or him tell him how you're feeling but be clear this is not aimed at him
Just dragging up old memories...

Be prepared you may not connect this may fizzle Into nothing but he has a right to know where he came from and unfortunately this has come down to you ..

Tell him the bigger picture why you think your mam was the way she was but meet him in person so he can see you are genuine and not trying to burst his bubble

ContactLight Sat 20-Jul-19 09:50:52

The Salvation Army has a family tracing service. They assist people in finding long-lost relatives, and I believe they have a counselling support system. It may be that they can help you come to terms with your feelings and support you. Perhaps you could contact them for help?

Herocomplex Sat 20-Jul-19 09:53:40

Sounds like an incredibly stressful time. You appear to be re-experiencing all the trauma you’ve undergone. You’ve found coping mechanisms to manage it all but now it’s all flooding through you unchecked.
I think speaking to your GP is a good first step. Try and find a bit of space in your day to relax if you can, something soothing and calming if possible where your mind can go quiet. Make sure you ask for practical and emotional support from those who can provide it. I wish you strength x

NotStayingIn Sat 20-Jul-19 10:19:22

I think it's OK to be honest to your brother too, to say this has thrown up many emotions that you thought you'd put away in a box. That you need to process these emotions and that whilst you are very keen to get to know him better you may need some time. flowers

Julykthat Sat 20-Jul-19 10:28:49

My husband is adopted and traced his birth mother who wants nothing to do with him. She didn't have other children as far as we know but he has cousins who resemble him. He would love to meet them but his mother is so horrified by his "reappearance" that he cannot.

He is the same age as you and your brother OP and the hurt this has caused is huge. The fact that his adoptive parents "chose" him (well they were handed the first available baby!) Is no comfort. He feels rejected and then rejected all over again, it is 14 years since he first contacted her and he sends a Christmas card every year (to which she sometimes responds but along the lines please don't contact me). He has had a lot of counselling which has helped but it is bare curiosity about his birth parents he has mostly. He is not expecting romantic views of a childhood he missed out on, it is connections. So from that pov don't feel under too much pressure to misrepresent your mum.

It is such a tricky area but my dh would consider you the luckier one just because you weren't different and grew up seeing where your features and personality have come from.

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