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Interfering Family & Ex problems!

(3 Posts)
SugarfreeMe Sat 02-Jun-18 18:30:14

My interfering family contacted my Ex who hasn't been in DS1's life since he was 1 & probably saw him 6 times when he was 2, he's now 15, they encouraged him to contact DS1 & then my family who had DS1 for us for a few days to give us a break as he has Behavioural problems told DS1 that his birth Dad wanted contact & tried to get him to have contact- I've since found out they have been getting together with my Ex!!!
There's a lot of history Ex is Eastern European, he threatened to kill my new Husband when he found out I'd remarried & snatch DS1! We had police involvement & have had to be super careful.
DS1 was a mess when he got home & my family gave Ex his contact details & mine!
We've since spoken with my Ex after he kept calling me, and explained if he wants contact he should start by writing via our Church & if DS1 wants to read his letter & respond he can safely, then in the future if DS1 wants contact he can & will know more of why EX refused to see him, (he also refused to financially support him) despite threats we arranged through our solicitor he could have contact via contact centres so DS1 was safe.
All this happened 12 weeks ago & despite being quite aggressive about contact with DS1 on the phone, he still hasn't written!

I'm so angry at my family (I have cut contact with them over this & how they treat my hubby & DS2, my siblings haven't bothered with me since I got sick & couldn't run round after them!) and at my Ex for stirring this all up for DS1 who already was having huge issues!

I really feel like calling him & having a go at him but at the same time think DS1 is better off with him not in his life right now!

What would you do?

SugarfreeMe Sun 03-Jun-18 18:36:45

My interfering family contacted my Ex who hasn't been in DS1's life since he was 1 (he got drunk & slept with the local bike when DS1 was 4 months old & despite me forgiving him he wouldn’t do counselling or put in the effort to fix things) He probably saw him 6 times when he was 2, he's now 15. They encouraged him to contact DS1 & then whilst DS1 was staying with my parents for few days to give us a break as he has Behavioural problems, told him his birth Dad wanted contact & tried to get him to have contact- I've since found out they have been getting together with my Ex!!!
There's a lot of history Ex is Eastern European, he threatened to kill my new Husband when he found out I'd remarried & snatch DS1! We had police involvement & have had to be super careful keeping our location secret.
DS1 was a total mess when he got home & has become more violent & disrespectful since making life hell!
My family also gave Ex his contact details & mine we aren’t sure if he has our address.

We've since spoken with my Ex after he kept calling me, and explained if he wants contact he should start by writing via our Church & if DS1 wants to read his letter & respond he can safely, then in the future if DS1 wants contact he can & will know more of why EX refused to see him, (he also refused to financially support him) despite threats we arranged through our solicitor that he could have contact via contact centres so DS1 was safe but Ex refused.
All this happened 13 weeks ago & despite being quite aggressive about contact with DS1 on the phone, he still hasn't written!

I'm so angry at my family & I have cut contact with them over this & how they treat my new hubby - they never liked him we’ve been married 13years, he’s quite shy & doesn’t drink & they have never liked DS2, who has been very unwell since he was tiny & has the same neuro immune disease as I do. We’ve put up with their behaviour to try & keep the peace - they have also always been really careful not to outwardly be nasty to hubby or DS2 infront of me & absolutely worship DS1!

My siblings haven't bothered with me since I got sick & couldn't run round after them, I’ve probably seen them both twice in the past 2 years, I've been mostly bedbound for almost 18months & mostly housebound for 8 years, hubby gave up his career to care for the children & I.

My extended family, my parents & my siblings who caused all this are blaming me, saying that cutting contact is over reacting how cruel i am & I've had emails from my aunt & uncle telling me that I'm awful & how much I'm hurting my parents!!
I don’t know how I ended up being the bad person here & not one person has thought of the effect this has had on me or my hubby or kids!

I’m really angry at my Ex too, I really feel like calling him & having a go at him, once again he’s abandoned DS1! It’s one of the reasons I insisted on letters so he could prove he actually wanted to be part of DS1’s life & was committed to him!
I think DS1 is better off with him not in his life right now anyway but hubby & I have been left as the bad people!

AIBU feeling so victimised?
Would you allow Ex contact?

TIA

Clairenewbie Thu 14-Jun-18 02:42:18

Let your son decide and make his own judgement on his sperm donar, kids are better at seeing through people and know where their loyalties lie.
As for your parents well I’d have it out with them face 2 face. Ask what they think they were doing interfering before consulting you.

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