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Just found out my late Father had an affair when I was 12

(6 Posts)
madmother1 Sun 06-Apr-14 00:25:54

I've just been clearing out my late Father's house today and my brother and I stumbled across a locked box. He opened it and out popped a letter from a women dated in the 70's, obviously saying goodbye to him and thanking him for the last 14 months. I just feel devastated with this news. He and my Mum, who died a few years ago, were inseparable and did everything together, so I thought they were always happy.
What makes it worse, is that my husband had an affair years ago and I confided in my parents, who were very supportive at the time. It's just brought up old sad feelings for my poor Mum, who must have known, yet didn't say anything to me. I'm also very disappointed in my Dad. He was 74 when he died but still.............

Paddington68 Sun 06-Apr-14 00:47:08

We never really truly know people, but he stayed with your mom, or rather she stayed with him, if she did know. Don't let the secrets you find out cloud your memories.

madmother1 Sun 06-Apr-14 00:54:05

I know, I need to let it go. I did have a flash back to a time when I walked in on my Dad, comforting a the lady in question as she was crying. So I had actually met her. Our family, then didn't see their family again.
I haven't had time to grieve really as he only died last week and his funeral is next week. My brother is upset as well.
That then puts me in a predicament. I have never told my children about their father having an affair when my teenage son was a baby. So, do I tell them now, but that would ruin their relationship with him or take it to the grave.........? My ex husband and I do have a good relationship now.

PansBigChainring Sun 06-Apr-14 01:03:47

No, you don't tell your dcs now. They are too young. Accepting your dad wasn't perfect is a tension for you. It is waaay too early in your grieving process to make these decisions. Accept your dad's passing now, and think about other things afterwards.

madmother1 Sun 06-Apr-14 01:08:24

Thank you ladies, I've actually starting crying, the first time since Dad died, so at least the grieving can start. I will keep my husband's affair secret, but if ever my children are in the same situation when they are older, I would then tell them. I actually stayed with my husband for 17 years after his affair, and had my daughter, but unfortunately, I could never forgive my husband, and eventually, we drifted apart. Again, thank you xx

Casmama Sun 06-Apr-14 01:10:14

I'm sorry you found out about this but ultimately it was a blip in your parents marriage that they got over. Your father cheated on your mother not on you and so it was up to her to decide how to move on.
Similarly your dh's affair is your business not your children's.
Try to remember your dad for who he was to you and don't let those 14 months define him in your memory.

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