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My pool, my rules

(66 Posts)
MulhuddartDrive Wed 17-Jan-18 23:11:09

I love swimming but when I go to lane swims it reminds me why I don't go more often... When I run the world leisure centre, my rules will be:

1) pick the right fucking lane for your speed. I know I'm a medium plodder so I stay with the medium plodders. If you're in training to be Michael Phelps, please go join the fast lane.
2) if you're taking a breather don't wander around taking up the entire end of the lane so I can't pick a point to turn.
3) or spend 5 minutes chatting to your honey, so the two of you are cluttering up the end of the lane.
4) also breather related, don't half sit under the water looking like you're about to push off if you're not going to.
5) please acknowledge in some way the person trying to work out if you're going to push off. If you choose not to, stay put so they don't crash into you.
6) after lolling about for the second half of my length, then actually acknowledging me passing you, don't immediately start swimming after me so you're all but tipping my heels the whole way. A couple of stroke lengths is courteous.

It would appear my lane issues are all turning related - who'da thunk it? What are your swimming bug bears, so I can have more arguments and compose snotty posts in my head while I'm plodding up and down the pool in the medium lane smile

lapetitesiren Wed 17-Jan-18 23:13:37

I look forward to you running the world. We need some common sense guidelines.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Wed 17-Jan-18 23:15:44

When I’m running the world there will be a lot more swimming pools, proper baby pools, pools with fun stuff like flumes etc so people can spread out.

lapetitesiren Wed 17-Jan-18 23:16:38

I would add that If you are splashy when you swim and a clearly a very competent swimmer stay away from the head out if the water people and go and annoy the fast people who already have wet heads.

MulhuddartDrive Wed 17-Jan-18 23:17:51

I'll sign you up to my ezine if you wish, petite wink

Flumes sound fun, extra. Maybe we can have while pools for specific speeds? I like your thought process.

AnAirborneFluffyWhiteThing Wed 17-Jan-18 23:18:51

This is one of the reasons I don't go swimming. The de-stressing process that takes place while I swim, gets replaced by the stress-y situations as the OP describes.

I go dancing instead. Much more fun. And my hair stays the same colour!

MulhuddartDrive Wed 17-Jan-18 23:21:42

The destressing is lovely though airborne. I get too self conscious dancing when I'm sober blush

BuckingFrolicks2 Wed 17-Jan-18 23:22:42

Don't WALK up my goddamn lane chatting to your pal.

Don't hang out with your honey all tangled up together one of you leaning against the pool side; I am wearing goggles, and water is transparent, I can see where your hands are and it makes me cross.

If your plaster falls off, do the decent thing and dive down to catch it; it's gross.

No snotting in the water, that's gross too.

I do realise that this may BU and so I'm prepared for you, oh great leisure centre leader, to decline this one, but if you could see your way clear to banning people from swimming with their heads out of the water, I'd be dead chuffed.

MulhuddartDrive Wed 17-Jan-18 23:29:16

Bucking, for being brave enough to name those things too gross to contemplate <plasters, shudder> we shall build a special head-out-of-water pool so the wet-heads and the heads and the heads-uppers don't piss each other off.

Apparently we need a GIGANTIC no petting sign too. Maybe one that on a movable dolly with an attendant to hold it over canoodlers and shame them out of the joint.

MrsMoastyToasty Wed 17-Jan-18 23:29:30

If you are a swimmer who wears full make up and so is your friend, don't take up half the pool swimming side by side doing that crappy breaststroke with head out of the water whilst chatting away oblivious to other swimmers.

MulhuddartDrive Wed 17-Jan-18 23:35:58

I'm also going to have the poolside and changing room ambient temperature set to 30 degrees at all times. Anyone fucking with the thermostat will be executed spoken to in a cross voice.

BuckingFrolicks2 Wed 17-Jan-18 23:43:25

MulhudartDrive (cool name, superb film!), you are talking my language. Sign me up for the heads-in-water pool, where, by the way, no one should be allowed to swim for longer, or with better technique than me...

Re changing rooms, can we have hair dryer stations divided for 'made-up'' and 'non-made up' users? Waiting for a hair dryer while someone sits there putting on a full face of make up oblivious to you should be a capital crime.

DrWhy Wed 17-Jan-18 23:51:58

I’m signed up to the heads in the water warm changing room pool please. Agree that everyone should get in the right lane! If you tap someone’s feet they should stop at the end of the lane and let you past, if someone touches yours you do the same. Then the lane sorts itself into speed order and you all get a good swim. I thought this was standard club swimming etiquette but apparently not at the one I’ve just joined! Drives me bonkers!! It takes all session for the lane to sort itself out and then the next week the same men with an over inflated opinion if their abilities start at the front again!!

TaggySits Wed 17-Jan-18 23:53:45

Could we also have lockers that don't bang shut as soon as you let the door go please? Especially when the changing bench is just out of reach meaning you put your shoes in the locker BANG then gather your clothes to go in BANG put your purse in BANG lift your bag in BANG realise you've forgotten your £1 so retrieve it from your purse BANG!

All times 120 lockers BANG BANG BANG BANG BANGITY BANGITY BANG!!!

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Thu 18-Jan-18 00:03:39

And there must be coat hooks in the cubicles. My local pool doesn’t have hooks and my winter coat always falls off the tiny bench.

Free goggles for those of us who think “must buy goggles” every week but forget in between? I purposely do underwater push-offs, though, to distinguish myself from head-outers. I am not a head-outer. I am just disorganised and haven’t bought goggles yet.

scrappydappydoo Thu 18-Jan-18 00:11:35

I'll just settle for everyone having their own private swimming pool please - then they'll be no more issues (except huge environmental and financial ones)

lapetitesiren Thu 18-Jan-18 03:44:57

No one mentioned wee. Take your children , and yourself, before they get in and then shower them. That's so gross i wish i hadn't thought about it. Now scrappy's idea seems great.

RosemaryHoight Thu 18-Jan-18 04:01:58

It's a funny thing swimming, we get annoyed with people just doing the same as us.

RosemaryHoight Thu 18-Jan-18 04:03:56

I've got loads, but I do know they are not reasonable. Anybody who doesn't swim at the same pace as me.

lljkk Thu 18-Jan-18 06:31:30

I don't stand and chat at the end, Rosemary. Am not a saint, but I didn't go to the pool to socialise. I can handle all the rest, but the wall hogging nattering. OMG. Just why ?

Pool looking quite enticing this morning. Better than listening to the roof tiles bouncing around in the wind!!

Boredboredboredboredbored Thu 18-Jan-18 06:34:33

This is why I go running instead of swimming. I find it so irritating for the reasons you've listed op!

Katescurios Thu 18-Jan-18 06:39:57

I'm a head out of water person im afraid, strong but not fast swimmer so stick to the slowish lane.

Have to do head out of water though because i have to wear my glasses, can't do contact lenses due to eye condition, can't see people if I don't have my glasses on and have never been able to find prescription goggles that are the right prescription and don't leak or dig in.

Ikabod Thu 18-Jan-18 06:56:53

OP can I join your pool? I've found that open-air pools on rainy days are the only places where you can swim without these irritations BUT it's effin' freezing!

ThisIsNotARealAvo Thu 18-Jan-18 07:10:06

And men, you are allowed in the slow lane. Just because you have a cock you are not necessarily going to be a fast competent swimmer. Get out.

BuckingFrolicks2 Thu 18-Jan-18 11:28:44

Cheddar you would get let in the heads-in-water lanes, that's fair enough. I often have a spare pair of goggles anyway so just ask smile

NotARealAvo that's funny smile I discovered the other day that I was apparently in a race with a man... who was so clearly trying to 'beat' me I'm afraid I did rise to the bait. Didn't realise I had another gear...

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