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' Maintaining a marriage (that's already delicate) in two countries

(10 Posts)
london2314 Sun 25-Aug-19 13:53:01

Hello

Due to Brexit, my husband and I are in quite pickle. His job is due to relocate to Europe. My job is in the UK: I have tried to get a job where he will be based, with no success. He has vaguely tried to find another job in the UK with no success. We have one child who will start school soon. Further to this, our marriage is delicate, and I find us not spending time together or really getting along much lately - I feel like he avoids me. The last plan was for me to move with him a few months after his move (in October), with the aim to return to the UK at some stage in the future - but that would be with difficulty as the prospect of him finding a job in the UK is still tough. For the sake of our marriage and child, I was willing to take a career break for 1-2 years whilst abroad with him, but I am now having second thoughts. I don't think our marriage can survive long distance, as we barely spend any time together now, and I am afraid that he will do something inappropriate. I just don't know what to do.

anothernotherone Sun 25-Aug-19 14:03:19

Moving abroad as a family (rather than an adventur seeking, energetic young, free and single adult with a "the world's my oyster" attitude) is incredibly stressful - especially if you don't speak the language and won't be working so don't have an automatic group of adults to talk to and potentially become friends with.

Having responsibility for settling a child past baby and toddlerhood into a new life if they don't speak the language is very hard and will make your attempts to settle in very emotionally complex.

If your marriage is delicate and you don't trust your husband don't move abroad with him unless it's something you want to do anyway.

We both wanted to move and eldest was only a toddler but the ups and downs were immense.

Brexit complicates residency but isn't really your problem! It's not the time within your marriage to try moving abroad!

london2314 Sun 25-Aug-19 14:16:56

Thanks so much for your advice!

Yes, I don't speak the language and that's been one of the major hurdles for getting a job, plus I would have to take a demotion as they don't host the type of roles that London has.

My friend circle are in the UK and I don't have any support circle there.

Prior to Brexit, we never considered moving and living outside the UK. There are lots of pros to living there but my husband and I have a similar income and are both career oriented so it's a huge sacrifice to take the career break amidst a shaky marriage. I feel so guilty for not giving it a try but feel it's so much to give up.

Songsofexperience Sun 25-Aug-19 15:26:11

Also consider the fact that once your child settles in that new country it might be harder to remove the child from his dad by moving back to the UK (not to mention the emotional upheaval on the child himself). Check divorce and custody laws in that country.
Is your DH a national of that other country or also British? Is he going on a fixed term contract?

london2314 Sun 25-Aug-19 15:34:00

That's true, and initially I was adamant I would not move for all the other reasons plus this. I tried to consider moving whilst still having a residence in the UK. But the tax implications of having two countries as residence is quite complicated.

DH is a national of the other country but also British. I am British and our child has citizenship of both countries.

MrsSchadenfreude Sun 25-Aug-19 15:37:01

Can you do a job remotely? DH is a project manager and he managed to make this work when we lived overseas. He did meetings by Skype and spent a week in the office every 6-8 weeks.

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 25-Aug-19 16:12:45

Don't move. Because if you give up work, don't have support, the marriage is shaky... what happens in two years when you break up, he wants to stay, you want to return to the UK? You can't, and if you couldn't find work, you'd be utterly in the shit. You could be in a country you don't want to be in until the children are grown.

BlackeyedGruesome Sun 25-Aug-19 16:30:41

Don't move. Your marriage is rocky. You need to keep your job here to be financially independent. You need to be habitually resident in this country to live here with your child.

london2314 Sun 25-Aug-19 18:04:31

All such valid points. Thank you!

I know that the custody laws are favourable to the National (DH) so that scares me which is why I was initially adamant that I would not move. I will speak to a lawyer to further understand my rights

The prospect of working remotely is there for me but only for the next year at most, and then it's back to square one to find a job. I could take on a role in the UK for 2-3 days a week for work but it's not sustainable in the long run.

But moreover I feel like I can't make such a big decision now considering the state of our relationship and the laws that would be more favourable to my DH should we divorce. which of course I hope doesn't happen. But will all the pressures of living in a country I don't want to live in, not having work or having take on work where I am not happy with the arrangements, I fear that it will just add so much more pressure to the already delicate relationship.

At this point I feel like saying let's just keep this a long distance marriage but I am so afraid that he will do something to breach the trust and it will destroy us.

Songsofexperience Sun 25-Aug-19 18:14:32

Unfortunately (and I mean this kindly) it doesn't sound like you trust him. Moving there may not even prevent him from doing something to 'breach your trust' as you say- only you'd be in a much more vulnerable position to deal with the fallout.

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