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Am I over reacting?

(26 Posts)
Frenchies Tue 23-Jan-18 21:44:55

My only brother and his Fiancé have decided they’re getting married next year. We’re all really pleased as we really like her and we all get on very well. We regularly go away as a family with them and my mum. She has asked my two daughters to be bridesmaid and flower girl at the wedding which they were over the moon with. I was so pleased for them. Then my brother proceeds to ask my husband to be an usher. This was then followed by an awkward silence as that was all they said. So I the big sister feel like I’ve been excluded from the main wedding party and their special day. I made sure that my brother was included when I got married years ago before he was with this girl. I feel so hurt that they have included my husband in the wedding party and haven’t thought to involve me in any way. My husband thinks I’m reading too much into it, I wasn’t expecting to be bridesmaid but I certainly didn’t think they would involve hubby and not me. I know there’s nothing I can do about it as it’s their day but I’m so hurt I don’t know what to do?

TheMasterNotMargarita Tue 23-Jan-18 21:47:16

Be delighted you get to pick your own outfit and don't have to wear a scrappy bridesmaid dress?
I guess he feels like you are part of it through your children and husband.
I'd think of it as a lucky escape tbh.

LizzieSiddal Tue 23-Jan-18 21:47:40

Yes i think you are over reacting.

If you didn’t expect to be a bridesmaid how else would you be included in the bridal party? confused

KatnissMellark Tue 23-Jan-18 21:49:01

Erm if you weren't expecting to be a bridesmaid, what were you hoping for? Perhaps they'll ask you to be a witness or do a reading, which usually gets organised later on, closer to the date?

Unless it's worth a huge falling out, and you looking silly to boot, I think you need to get over it.

Justgivemesomepeace Tue 23-Jan-18 21:50:02

If you weren't expecting to be a bridesmaid what part could she give you? Or are you annoyed your husband was asked? They probably haven't realised you would feel left out. I wouldn't. I'd love being able to focus on my children playing their part and not have to worry about having to do anything myself.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards Tue 23-Jan-18 21:51:31

Yes you are over reacting

They may yet ask you to do a reading in the church or similar

I was not 'involved' in any specific way in my DB's wedding, nor was my DD asked to be a flower girl or bridesmaid. I just accepted it.

Frenchies Tue 23-Jan-18 21:51:52

I think I just thought that they’d ask my girls then hubby and I could enjoy the day together

Flatpackjackie Tue 23-Jan-18 21:52:11

Ugh. Grow up.

AnneLovesGilbert Tue 23-Jan-18 21:53:00

Maybe they're going to ask you to be a witness.

thismeansnothing Tue 23-Jan-18 21:54:23

I can see where your coming from. But if I was in your boat I'd see my daughters involvement as my inclusion. But they may ask you to do something closer to the time, like a reading perhaps?

Ragwort Tue 23-Jan-18 21:55:17

But surely you can still 'enjoy the day together' - your DH will only be on usher duties at the Church, you do sound a little 'needy' about this, I would just be grateful I wasn't asked to be MOH or anything equally excrutiating, anyway, can't you be like the Duchess of Cambridge and just look after the little bridesmaids on the big day grin?

Notasperfectasallothermners Tue 23-Jan-18 21:55:35

Maybe they thought you overseeing your dd's would keep you busy enough on the day?

KarmaStar Tue 23-Jan-18 21:56:31

Hi OP
I can see what you are saying.perhaps they thought by including your daughter's they were including you?maybe they thought you'd be wanting to help them and not want to have to do anything?
I doubt they had any intention to hurt you.
Have a great wedding and enjoy all being blessed in being together🌼🌼

Frenchies Tue 23-Jan-18 21:56:36

I like your thinking 😂

SparklySeaShell Tue 23-Jan-18 21:58:15

I think they knew you weren't going to be a bridesmaid (fair enough as it's mostly the brides friends/family) but really wanted to have your family included so have gone a bit overboard in my opinion giving everybody else a part to show how much your family means to them.

Yes it's a bit awkward but choose yourself a fabulous outfit and enjoy the day.

Tipsntoes Tue 23-Jan-18 22:01:03

I think they've done way more than they needed to to include you.

Ushers usually come from the groom's side, so that's all good although unless DBro and DH are very close, it would have been fine not to ask him IMO.

Traditionally bridesmaids are unmarried, so unless you think you should be maid of honor, in "etiquette" terms, they're correct not to ask you. Bridesmaids usually from the bride's side so asking your DC goes above and beyond. Mother of the (little) bridesmaids is a pretty big role.

I think you're trying very hard to find a reason to be offended when actually they've done far more than they needed to to include your family.

Why won't you and DH enjoy the day together? Ushers are hardly tied up for the whole day.

Tickety7 Tue 23-Jan-18 22:02:02

You can still enjoy the day with your DH. Him being an usher doesn't change that.

How bizarre. If you wasn't expecting to be a bridesmaid, what did you expect?

You must know you are being unreasonable since you stated yourself that you didn't expect to be a bridesmaid, but still went on to believe you should have been included anyway.

It's the brides decision whom becomes her bridesmaid. Your brothers involvement in your wedding years ago is irrelevant because he really doesn't have much of a say in the positions that would suit you (bridesmaid) this time.

Enjoy the day and shrug it off. It's truly no biggie.

jenniferl1983 Tue 23-Jan-18 22:04:24

I didn't think I had a role in my brother's wedding until they asked me to be a witness so the same may happen to you. They might want somebody to do a reading as well which you could do.

notangelinajolie Tue 23-Jan-18 22:05:05

But you are included - they have asked your girls hmm

MelbourneClown03 Tue 23-Jan-18 22:08:52

I can see where you're coming from. I'm not sure what you can do about it but it would be nice to include you, in some way. Maybe being a witness or doing a reading?

timeisnotaline Tue 23-Jan-18 22:11:21

You’re overreacting. They probably thought you would want to stay near your girls , but what other role did you have in mind anyway? Bridesmaid is an obvious no as your sil to be most likely has friends she wants doing that and then there’s only readings, which they won’t have worked out yet. Asking your dh to usher is friendly.

Crumbs1 Tue 23-Jan-18 22:15:22

You’re overreacting. An usher stands at the back nd hands out order of service and traditionally walked single women to their seat. They’re not usually required at any other part of the day, so you can enjoy it. I suspect you’ll still have to look after your daughters too. The bride certainly isn’t going to.

pallisers Tue 23-Jan-18 22:54:42

I really wouldn't be bothered by this. They clearly love you and your family - have involved your children and your husband. Being an usher won't mean he is off away from you for the day - just handing out leaflets and saying "bride or groom" for a bit of the service. So what if you aren't in the "bridal party". You are the groom's sister so are in the intimate family party. And clearly your brother and his wife to be are very fond of all of you.

And I don't know who you thought would be looking after your daughters but it was never going to be anyone other than you or your husband.

Is it that you might be sitting on your own watching the girls go down the aisle as flowergirls and you hoped to be sitting next to your dh going "ah they are lovely". I could understand you being a bit sorry about that.

AstridWhite Wed 24-Jan-18 05:36:58

In the nicest possible way, get a grip. You don't expect to be a bridesmaid so what other wedding party role do you think you could have? Mother of the Bride? confused

They haven't 'excluded' you. Your family is very, very involved. Your children are bridesmaids for crying out loud. Why on earth should your husband not be an usher just because there is no specific wedding party role for sisters of grooms/mothers of bridesmaids?

Honestly, you are being ridiculous. If everyone who was close to either the bride or groom expected a role to be carved out for them there would be more people in the wedding party than in the general guest list.

Puppymouse Wed 24-Jan-18 11:25:42

Blimey OP. I'd be thrilled if I were you! Am about to be a bridesmaid for wedding on DH's side and I'm struggling to keep "in" with the other BMs and really bad at getting excited about weddings. I don't know exactly what you expect from your DB here.

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