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No congratulations from M/FIL

(20 Posts)
user1490285009 Sat 16-Dec-17 03:57:51

Hi guys, am I being sensitive in being slightly annoyed that my mother and father in law have not yet called me about the birth of our first child? Furthermore, I had a complicated birth and had stay in hospital even longer due to secondary illness, and no in law called to check how I was or visited me in hospital. I come from a family for who this sort of behaviour would be weird. We ( my birth family) are close to all our brother/sister in laws and their families so it's unthinkable to me that my brothers wife would be in hospital and I wouldn't visit her/call in to check. Or that I wouldn't visit/ call to congratulate them.

My husbands siblings didn't call but made a short video clip to say congratulations. But no further communication during hospital stay.

Parent inlaws have text my husband to say congrats but nothing to me. Also a text?! And no visits/calls/texts during my hospital stay.

After leaving hospital I text pics of baby to mother in law, and tried to start a convo. Very unforthcoming, only asked if we were back home. I said yes. She said praise God. And that's it. No interest to talk about baby or ask how we are etc.

Am I being post partum and moody or are my in laws kinda cold?

MrsDilber Sat 16-Dec-17 04:13:37

First of all, congratulations!!

I don't know what's going on in her life to prevent her from coming to see her grandchild, but it doesn't take much to pick up the phone though, does it.

Do you have a decent relationship with her? Is this out of character? My MIL waited 3 days before seeing our firstborn, she lived close by, didn't work and had a car, it was hurtful for DH as he was over the moon.

TeeBee Sat 16-Dec-17 04:13:51

Perhaps she is giving you the space a lot of people want and is not quite sure how to play it. Why not just text her 'feel free to pop by and meet your new grandchild'?

Celticlassie Sat 16-Dec-17 04:28:05

Different people have very different boundaries when it comes to such things. Maybe she's been reading this site! Many, many people on Mumsnet do not want their in laws within a million miles of them for several weeks after they've had a baby! They're maybe trying to respect your boundaries.
Plus, I'd never text my MIL, or expect her to text me - we get on well but she'd text my DH who would pass on her good wishes to me. Does she normally text you about things?

Snowinhell Sat 16-Dec-17 08:15:54

There is every possibility that she has read MiL threads and is terrified of making the wrong move. Years ago and, present day, in some cultures, everyone rushed to see the new baby. Now it seems too easy to overstep and upset the new mum. Just be kind and hope that it just caution on her part.

ItsInTheDogsMouth Sat 16-Dec-17 08:32:10

If you generally have a good relationship with them, then perhaps you are reading too much into this. Perhaps she didn't want visitors immediately after her deliveries and is extending you the same curtesy? I certainly didn't want people visiting, unfortunately they did!

ProseccoPoppy Sat 16-Dec-17 08:37:23

After a tricky complicated birth I really wanted everyone (birth family and in laws) to stay away for a few days. I was exhausted, a bit shell shocked and hurt. I was also struggling to breastfeed.

They didn’t stay away. Bloody everyone came to the hospital which I do understand as they were excited but just a little space would have been really really welcome for me (one of the few times my PILs have shown that much interest tbh but that’s a different story).

Do you think there’s maybe a little miscommunication (PILs trying to be tactful? but instead coming across as a bit chilly?) If you would be happy to see them invite them. Or get DH to, however you’d normally do it. The response to that direct invite should tell you what you what to know - if they are trying to be tactful I imagine they’ll jump at the chance to come, if they are lacking interest/ a bit cold they won’t I guess.

BertrandRussell Sat 16-Dec-17 08:43:13

The vast majority of mumsnetters would say this was absolutely perfect in law behaviour!

What does your dp say about it?

BertrandRussell Sat 16-Dec-17 08:44:49

I'm like you though, I would have been sad without tons of calls and visitors. But, to be a bit cliched, everyone's different. Maybe send a specific invitation so they know they won't be intruding?

Her0utdoors Sat 16-Dec-17 08:49:36

Maybe her own mil was completely overwhelming and she wants to get it right? Maybe she has trauma from the birth of her own children and the memories are too powerful? Maybe she doesn't give a flying fig? Maybe a bit of all three? Congratulations on your baby's arrival, I hope all goes well xx

PurpleDaisies Sat 16-Dec-17 08:52:02

I would count the congrats that went to your dh as being for both of you.

Quartz2208 Sat 16-Dec-17 08:59:01

Have you invited them to asked them to?

Neoflex Sat 16-Dec-17 09:00:16

Sounds like the perfect mil to me

Crumbs1 Sat 16-Dec-17 09:04:34

She sounds thoughtful and respectful of your need for space. She would surely congratulate you both through your husband; I’d never have expected a different communication to that sent to my husband.

FenellaMaxwellsPony Sat 16-Dec-17 09:07:19

My son is nearly 1 now. I’m still waiting to hear from BIL & SIL. You can’t make people be decent human beings unfortunately. Congrats on your baby!

MrsRamiMalek Sat 16-Dec-17 09:29:52

I wouldn't have wanted my inlaws visiting that soon, or even calling me for that matter, but then I'm not close to them at all and we hardly see them. However there were phone calls and messages exchanged between my oh and them as soon as I gave birth. He just passed on what they said to me. This was just fine for me. Everyone is different.

If you are constantly trying to initiate a relationship with them but are given cold, dead end responses every time then yes maybe there are some issues there. Is this kind of conversation usual for you and mil? It would be hard to say if she's just trying to give you space during this time (which a lot of women do appreciate) or if there's more to it, without giving us more to go on.

It must be hard being a mil sometimes I think. Never knowing if you're being an interference or not showing enough concern. I would always give the benefit of doubt first. Not mine because she doesn't give two hoots about talking to us unless there's some juicy personal gossip happening in our lives.

Somersetter Sat 16-Dec-17 09:37:23

Dh's family made multiple calls when we were still in the delivery room. My parents waited anxiously at home for us to contact them and always wait to be invited rather than inviting themselves.

Not necessarily a sign of one set caring more than the other.

Efferlunt Sat 16-Dec-17 09:41:20

I would take a text to my DH as meant for both of us. I personally wouldn’t want my mil or sil within a mile of the hospital after giving birth and I get on fine with both of them.

user1490285009 Sat 16-Dec-17 21:02:28

Thanks all for sharing your thoughts.

I totally see what some of you are saying about her not wanting to impose. Also yes, she was never overly friendly with me. So this is in line with her personality.

Nonetheless.... I just feel like it's a common courtesy, especially as I and baby were sick post delivery. I did have a very serious diagnosis ( thankfully came to naught) but still,
It was touch and go there for a good few days. I can see the congratulations wasn't a big deal, but I just cannot see how as a grandmother you wouldn't check on your grandchild or even your son who is going through this ordeal with us. Just seems weird to me. But hey ho.

bimbobaggins Fri 22-Dec-17 09:36:23

Maybe she’s on mn and has read the many threads about people complaining about their in laws and don’t want to do the same

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