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Bridesmaids Dress

(23 Posts)
Feistype Wed 18-Jan-17 14:02:19

Okay so in my head, I'm obviously quite upset about this particular topic otherwise I wouldn't have taken to an online forum to have a good rant/ask for advice.

The reason I cannot discuss this with the person involved is because I honestly don't want to cause any upset but in my mind, it would be comforting to know that some others share my point of view and i'm not being entirely unreasonable/irrational!

A friend of mine is getting married in June, she was my maid of honour at my wedding four years ago and we paid for everything. Literally everything... some things because we wanted to (shoes, dress, accessories, hair etc) but some things because we could see that she wasn't in the best place financially (hotel room, drinks etc). I never gave any of this a single thought. At the end of the day, she is my friend and I'd like to think she would do the same for me.

Wrong.

She is now getting hitched herself but isn't paying for much at all. She's asked me to be a joint maid/matron of honour with another one of her friends but has requested that we pay for our own dresses, hair, makeup etc. I suggested that I'd like to do my own makeup but that wasn't acceptable. She hasn't consulted us on which hair styles we like, she's just sent a photo of a high pony (and three of us have short hair) and has said that we will also need to purchase a hair piece/pony extension.

We haven't had any say in the dress or the colour, she's just sent us a link to the one she would like us to order. It's coming from China and will be custom made and I will be 30 weeks pregnant at the time of the wedding. I'm worrying ever so slightly as it isn't very maternity friendly and I don't want to pay £100 for it to not fit! I tried to explain my issues and she told me to order it larger than I expect because 'you can pay to have it taken in/taken up'.

I wouldn't mind if they were pretty short on the money front but she told me the other day that she is spending £400 on cosmetic procedures (lip fillers etc) before the wedding day. Priorities?!

The hotel is also costing us £150 per night (two night stay) and when I expressed that we would rather stay somewhere cheaper, she was horrified and said she wants me there at that specific hotel with her and the husband-to-be.

She has told me exactly what she wants to do for her hen do and so far, the cheapest I've managed to find it for is £300. My husband also has to pay for the stag do which coincidentally, also comes to around £300. I'm also getting a lot of pressure from her mother and cousin over getting the hen do exactly right.

It's all just getting a bit much but because they're both close friends of ours, we feel obligated. We aren't skint by any means but I can't help but feel as though they're taking the mic a bit!

My husband was a bit bent out of shape over having to fork out £150 for the groomsman suit that he didn't get a say in and he was told that the groom will pay for all of the suits... just not to tell the bride!? Bonkers!!

Am I being unreasonable? Should I just shrug it off and hand over the £1000 gladly and be thankful we are even involved in their day? Do I seem like a cowbag if I don't buy them a wedding gift!?

MirandaWest Wed 18-Jan-17 14:07:21

I think she's being ridiculous.

Do you want to go to the wedding at all?

Gardencentregroupie Wed 18-Jan-17 14:07:46

This is the sort of occasion that the phrase "fuck off you're having a laugh" was invented for. At a push I would buy the dress, bearing in mind it may not fit, but no way in hell would I be paying for hairpieces and expensive makeup and hotels.

Actually I would use the pregnancy as an excuse to bail out altogether. Fuck that for a laugh.

Ilovecaindingle Wed 18-Jan-17 14:10:51

Another tick for bailing out.
Imagine the baby stuff you could buy with a grand!! grin

Feistype Wed 18-Jan-17 14:16:10

Haha The fuck off you're having a laugh comment made me howl! I'm too emotionally unstable to have it out with her. I tried to have it out with her over the groomsmen suits and she said that my husband should take it up with her OH. Only to be told that it's HER who doesn't want to fork out, not him and he will secretly pay for all of them but she cannot know!?

I actually said to the OH earlier, "Can't I just push you down the stairs and 'break your leg'?"

This is one occasion that I will probably endure but never, ever forget.

EverythingEverywhere1234 Wed 18-Jan-17 14:19:54

Honestly, on a sliding scale of bravery;
I'd bail altogether / on being a bridesmaid
I'd tell her exactly why / that it's too close to the birth / fake my own death

EverythingEverywhere1234 Wed 18-Jan-17 14:22:07

I don't know why I started that with 'Honestly..', it was a joke.
HONESTLY though, if I was feeling brave, I would tell her I no longer wanted a part in her wedding due to her unreasonable behaviour but if it was going to cause too many ripples, I would tell her I wasn't happy to be a bridesmaid anymore due to her being awful being pregnant and that I was sorry. Re the hen do, I would say I felt under too much pressure and palm it off onto her equally awful family.

Reow Fri 20-Jan-17 13:47:07

Tell her you've been placed on bed rest. Sorted.

Kanga59 Sat 04-Feb-17 23:46:40

yanbu. but this is very tricky for all the reasons you've explained.

I would bail on being bm on account of being pregnant/emotional/hate myself in the dress (white lie)/uncomfortable in the dress. so that sorts the outfit, hair,make up problem

and still do the duty and help arrg the hen do. And stay in the hotel she chose. sick those bis up in the knowledge she's being a cow bag but she's your friend and obvs loves and values you.

what a bridezilla tho

Kanga59 Sat 04-Feb-17 23:47:35

Sorry that should have said

suck those bits up

giggly Sat 04-Feb-17 23:56:38

I don't understand why you would allow yourself to accept this.kind of behaviour. I cannot stand self-indulgent behaviour like your friends.
You know you'll get no thanks. You'll be expected to "perform" despite being pregnant and of course they'll be too skint to buy the baby a present.
Thank God I've not got friends like this.

ReginaGeorgeinSheepsClothing Sun 05-Feb-17 00:02:21

I don't think the friendship will survive the wedding (voice of doom!). She will still be bat shit whiny/aggro about everything- and therefore bypass the distain and whingyness by withdrawing! I speak
from experience!!

Pigeonpost Sun 05-Feb-17 01:19:03

The clip in ponytail for those with short hair suggests she has fallen into an abyss of wedding craziness that she is unlikely to recover from. Compromise by buying the dress and maybe the shoes, everything else she can suck up.

OneWithTheForce Sun 05-Feb-17 01:27:24

Write out a breakdown of how much her wedding is costing you. (If you're feeling particularly pissed off write down a breakdown of how much her outfit/make up/room etc cost you for your wedding too for comparison) then show her and say "I'm sorry but you can see how ridiculous this is. I just can't justify spending that much on someone else's wedding."

SuiteHarmony Sun 05-Feb-17 01:40:34

Oh God, did you copy and paste my thoughts from 2010? This is almost EXACTLY what I went through.

Everything was prescribed to me, right down to menu choices for four (FOUR!!) restaurants I was to book for the hen weekend. I ended up substantially out of pocket subsidising other reluctant hen-goers.

I also had to get a bridesmaids dress matched and copied to accommodate my 36-week bump. When I changed into flat shoes after the photos, I got the hmm look, and the best man was despatched to tell me to put my plastic bridesmaid heels back on.

I capitulated to emotional blackmail by this SIL, and I deeply regret not telling her to fuck off.

SuiteHarmony Sun 05-Feb-17 01:43:09

^^ to add: the matching material I used for my dress was not quite as cheap-looking shiny as the 'real' dresses, so photos including me were culled from The Album.

BackforGood Sun 05-Feb-17 01:49:21

I can never understand on these threads, how someone can be close enough to ask you to be a bridesmaid and yet not close enough for you to have an honest conversation with them.
She is being ridiculous. If a close friend of mine were acting in such a ridiculous manner (extension ponytail?????), then they would be told. It just wouldn't be happening. I can understand a bit of politeness with people you don't know, but that's not the case here.

ScarlettFreestone Sun 05-Feb-17 01:54:35

In these circumstances I would politely and gracefully (as possible) bow out.

Just say that you love her but that you are finding it all a bit too much with the pregnancy and don't want to exhaust yourself so much that you can't join in with her special day. Also you are saving for the baby therefore, on reflection don't have £1000 to spare. She has another MoH you aren't leaving her in the lurch.

I agree with PP given the madness of clip in ponytails (are you 12yo?) the only way your friendship will survive this wedding is for you not to be in the wedding party.

kel1234 Sun 05-Feb-17 01:55:07

That is wrong to me, sorry. I paid for my bridesmaids dress (yes I only had 1, because I only wanted 1, and because we were only engaged 3 months so I knew I didn't have the money to have loads).

evensmilingmakesmyfacehurt Sun 05-Feb-17 03:07:14

Have been in a similar situation OP, this is what I did:

1) bow out of BM duties - can't be sure on size of dress & don't want to waste £100 quid on something that doesn't fit. Also, you need to be relaxing not running around after bridezilla and her Botox
2) tell her to FTFO with expecting you to pay out for all of this shit when you are about to have a baby and go on mat pay
3) book somewhere cheaper to stay, it gives you an excuse to leave a bit earlier on the day- it won't make a difference to her as you're not staying in her room 😂
4) leave organisation of hen to other BM or give responsibility to the mother / SIL if they are so damn bothered about it.

Relax and be kind to yourself, you don't need this kind of stress

If it helps, my friend has well and truly now snapped out of bridezilla mode and still had the best day even though I wasn't her bridesmaid

mumgointhroughtorture Sun 05-Feb-17 03:20:05

This sounds like it's going to come in closer to £2000 with your OH'S stag contribution too . NO WAY would I spend that on someone else's wedding. Its nuts ! I think you need an honest talk with yourselves and then the bride otherwise I would pull out , that money would be better off spent on your baby coz I doubt your friendship will survive this wedding .

Teenspov Tue 07-Feb-17 22:19:44

The dresses are coming from China?!?!!? Good luck with that. It's ridiculous for her to expect you and your partner to pay for the hen and stag dos, I don't know if this is tradition but in my opinion it'd be a recipe for disaster. Use baby as an excuse, and drop out of duties.

AndnoneforGretchenWeinersBye Tue 07-Feb-17 22:23:25

OP; what is this friend like outside of Bridezilla-Dom? (I.e, is this batshit expectant nonsense behaviour usual?

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