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Helpful hints for houseguests:

(338 Posts)
lovelybertha Mon 29-Aug-11 13:05:25

1) Take care not to make the assumption that because your host lives in a seaside town, they want to be running a guest house.

2) If you'd like a clean towel, ask. Leaving wet towels in the bath/on floor of bathroom will not provide a signal for housekeeping staff (see point 1).

3) Attempt to keep your belongings as contained as possible. Hanging your manky dressing gown up in the living room is neither appropriate or necessary.

4) Take care to remove any pubic hairs that might stick to the communal bar of soap. Particularly if their colour makes them very distinctly yours.

5) If breakfasting extra specially early in a household with pre-school age children, note that it will be much appreciated if you don't eat the last banana and drink the last of the milk.

6) Leaving mugs and inadequately scraped plates in the sink is not as helpful as putting them in the dishwasher. Running a bit of water on to them is not the same as washing up.

7) Bags of bread are to be opened from the top. Ripping a hole in the side and taking slices from the middle, is quite simply, really fucking annoying.

8) If you offer to 'treat' your host to a 'night off cooking', they will assume you are offering to either cook a meal yourself or take everyone out. A ready meal from Asda will underwhelm.

9) If your host is providing you an alternative to hotel accommodation whilst you work (and earn loads of money) in their home town, failure to note the above hints, and going on about how much money you're saving will be interpreted as 'Taking The Piss'.

10) Following from point 9: It's nice to say 'thank you'. Gifts (ie. bottle of wine/ flowers/ chocs) will be gratefully received by your host.


Episkopos Wed 30-Jan-13 08:57:35

Wow! Thanks for sharing this insightful tips.

ResponsibleAdult Fri 04-Jan-13 11:25:07

1. Don't arrive with 3 suitcases of dirty washing as "too busy to wash before" then monopolise my washing machine for three days
2. Don't invite friends to my house, offer to prepare meal for invited guests then bugger off to the pub, leaving me to prepare for 12, not 4 originally invited
3. Don't get down from the table between courses to cut toenails on the floor, not joking.
4. Don't criticise food as not organic unless you intend to bring your own.
5. Don't invite guests then as they cross threshold say " I nearly cancelled as I don't feel well and can't be bothered, you won't stay past 10 will you?"
6. Don't tell hosts you haven't had time to visit off licence and turn up empty handed, have sent "friends" back out the door to 7-11 round the corner the third time they did this.

Chilenachica Sun 29-Apr-12 03:35:11

Can I join in please, first post in this topic.

When visiting divorced brother and his new girfriend(me) for Christmas lunch don't call ahead telling them to tell the ex wife to Collect her son 2 hour's later than arranged because you are running late. Then don't cop an attitude when New girlfriend refuses to oblige

toomuchsand Wed 15-Feb-12 18:49:08

this thread is very funnysmile i have been a house guest for years due to always ending living up miles from anyone -went from arriving with holdall and waving bottles of champagne to arriving with babies and masses of luggage over the years- but no, nothing that resembles me. BUT having people to stay:

DO NOT smoke downstairs/ in your room/ out of bathroom window as it does smell and I will notice. Smoke outside.
Do not rummage through our wine, drink the nicest and leave the rest as "it looks a bit ropey" cheers for that.
Do not turn up before I get home for a weekend visit and expect me to be able to start drinking with you. i asked you all for 7.30pm-8pm for a reason.
Do not use the phone without asking.
ask for my wifi password by all means, but do not spend the night playing with your phone. Turn it off. I know you are not an on-call heart surgeon.
Do not stay til about 10.30pm, get a booty call and push off out into the night muttering about a friend in need, coming back at midday the next day, wanting to hog the bathroom and tell us about it in front of the dc's.
Do not moan on fb how boring we are.
Do not expect us to give up our beds for you - you can sleep in the lounge. and no, I am not moving the dc;s either. they don;t want you in their bedroom.
Eat the food I give you and don't turn your nose up at it. Do not leave it all and then want crisps.
when I am sweeping the kitchen floor, do not pick up a scrap i missed and THROW IT IN FRONT OF THE BROOM - that really annoyed me!

Please do not rearrange my furniture, kitchen cupboards , cutlery drawer. Leave it alone. I like it like that. Your way is not better.

Leave Sunday after lunch, whatever your host says. we are being polite. really, we want you gone. and send me a note / flowers or something.

there are loads more, but i want to do some deep breathingsmile

Diamondback Fri 21-Oct-11 16:53:32

Oh, and don't turn my loo roll round! I know the 'under or over' debate is neverending, but I'll have it how I want in my house!

Diamondback Fri 21-Oct-11 16:48:48

- Don't bring your own dinner with you to microwave, especially after I've told you there's no need, it's just after Christmas and I have a house full of food. I'm sure your two year old will find something he likes!

- Don't bring your own wine, which is the only wine you'll drink, spurning my perfectly nice bottle that you haven't even tasted.

- If I am feigning sleep at 1am, it probably means I want to go to bed now...

jen127 Tue 11-Oct-11 09:04:12

I was brought up to think that it was always rude to turn up at someones house with your two hands alike - i.e empty.
This is not the case for my inlaws. I have various members of DH's family to stay who are fed and watered for weeks on end with out a thank you!
It has stopped now !

jen127 Mon 10-Oct-11 20:41:05

Don't come and stay whilst I am 5 months pregnant and dh is on crutches and wait every night for me coming home to cook a meal for you your partner and child! Drink my wine and not buy one bottle as replacement! I know I couldn't drink but that's not the point!
Don't arrive at my door when I am 40 weeks pregnant and still working full time and dh hasn't worked since said broken ankle to tell me she had given my house a good clean as it needed it! That helped the high blood pressure and pre eclampsia ! Then came to visit when I was hospitalized and complained about the weather! I am good but not that good!
Oh also when she arrived she was looking for me to have cooked her favorite fish pie ! FFS !
Don't offer to buy me flowers from the flower stall on the street and then say they are too expensive!
Stop drinking my wine and not replace with even one bottle !

BerylStreep Mon 05-Sep-11 17:26:03

Mooncup, they couldn't possibly have the nerve to inhabit the same space as you after that. Let's hope they cry off.


darksideofthemooncup Mon 05-Sep-11 16:37:55

Don't worry GreatNorks I haven't seen them since although they are going to be at a wedding we are attending soon. Its a small wedding so I imagine it may be a tad awkward

GreatNorksOfFire Mon 05-Sep-11 14:10:19

mooncup, you say it was for the first time that these houseguests stayed. Please, please tell me you never had them to stay again?? That is beyond horrendous behaviour.

LadyClariceCannockMonty Mon 05-Sep-11 09:40:24

Christ, mooncup, I'm traumatised now and it didn't even happen to me ...

You poor poor thing (and your husband).

<shares thousand-yard stare>

darksideofthemooncup Sun 04-Sep-11 23:21:25

I have just come back to this thread and noticed that Ladyclarice wants details....well, we had a friend and her boyfriend over to stay for the first time. I had made a lovely meal and was looking forward to meeting him. They turned up an hour late and completely trashed. The boyfriend dribbled his way through dinner and went up to bed and she followed not long after.

I stayed up for a couple of hours and was just about to turn in when this unbelievable stench floated down the stairs. I assumed it was from the bathroom and waited for a while to let it die down. When I got into the bathroom I noticed that someone had got poo everywhere and made a poor attempt at cleaning up, obviously I wasn't best pleased and set to it with the bleach and went to bed.

The next morning I heard voices downstairs so I got up and noticed that the spare room door was ajar. When I looked closer I saw THREE MASSIVE POOLS OF POO that had clearly been soaking into the carpet all bloody night!
I couldn't bring myself to speak to them but apparently he told my husband that my friend had been sick on his trousers so could he borrow some?
I had the carpet professionally cleaned and we are due to re-carpet very very soon.
And that is the story of the houseguest that took a shit on my carpet.

Inertia Sat 03-Sep-11 08:34:16

If, due to building work, the only bathroom in the house is accessed via the office, please don't pretend to be using the bathroom but in fact be in the office with the door locked so you can play on the host's computer.

Please don't leave rollie tins/ lighters/ cigarettes on the host's dining table, where they are in easy reach of host's small children. It's repulsive to find them on the table when you're about to serve food.

Fenouille Fri 02-Sep-11 20:46:59

Very tame compared to most here, but if you offer to do washing up please don't then break several of the host's mugs on the edge of the (porcelain) sink. One is an accident and will be forgiven, even if it was her DH's favourite mug, but three or four is just inconsiderate.

Saying, "Ooops," each time you do it is not endearing.

And if host asks you to remove your outdoor shoes as there is a crawling baby in the house could you please have the grace to say sorry and take them off after your host comes in to the lounge to find you with said outdoor shoes still on every bloody time.

ScarletOHaHa Fri 02-Sep-11 12:41:14

gottcha Pang - I would do the same. Your house and your rules.

JosieRosie Fri 02-Sep-11 12:18:41

Maybells, I thought my mate was a bit precious about her cats but she would never ever serve food that the cats had been having a go at! At least I hope she wouldn't shock <plans to deflect all future dinner invitations from said friend>

Pang Fri 02-Sep-11 12:07:40

Oh the DCs behaviour was nothing unusual for kids. It's the parents reaction that was over the top.
Just a bit of food throwing and table banging at lunch. To my mind a 4 & 6year should be corrected on this. I expected the parents to do it but when they didn't I told the DC it had to stop or they would have to go away from the table. (It would have been wrong of me not to say something because my DC need to know that house rules apply to everyone not just to them.) Anyway, one child cried and it all kicked off - screaming, shouting, crying (and that's just the parents). My DC and I sat at the table totally confused. And my DD said "Mummy why are they so mad you only asked them to stop. You didn't shout or anything. You would have shouted at us. blush"

Unfortunately, they did stay. We spent the evening in my house avoiding each other. Mainly them locked up in a room. When my DH came home from work I told him the score then went to another friend's house for a big glass of wine or 3. He entertained them for the evening and they left first thing the next morning. The kids had forgotten about the fuss but the adults were still steaming.

ScarletOHaHa Fri 02-Sep-11 11:37:12

What had DC done Pang? Did they leave/stay

Pang Fri 02-Sep-11 11:31:29

Oh here's a good one.

Don't allow your DC to break my house rules while you sit there and smile at how cute it is.

Don't swear at me in front of my DC, jump up and lock yourselves and DC in my guestroom crying because I told your DC not to behave badly in my house. (Which you should have done yourself.)

Don't then expect me provide you all with dinner and beds for the night, when all I really want is for you to leave. Just leave peacefully.

maybells Fri 02-Sep-11 11:16:11

i know its utterly disgusting, this bloody dog jumps up and eats the food off the table, it will sit with its head on her lap while you eat and they say "awwww does jess want some din dins". they don't even push it down i cant stand it i give it a swift kick push down.
one time it jumped up and was eating the profiteroles off the kitchen side and mil still served them, and gave me a dirty look when i said i wasn't eating something the dog and just munched on!

JosieRosie Fri 02-Sep-11 11:11:09

OMG maybells shock We really really need a vomit emoticon on here - are you listening MNHQ????

LadyClariceCannockMonty Fri 02-Sep-11 11:09:49

Sounds like some of you know some freakish pet-owner. I love animals and happily talk to and stroke other people's pets, but there are limits and cats on the worktops/drinking out of your tea hmm are beyond those limits as far as I'm concerned.

pinkhyena Fri 02-Sep-11 11:09:41

shock maybells bleugh!

maybells Fri 02-Sep-11 11:01:14

my dp uncle has NINE cats and they go everywhere, they prowl all over the brand new kitchen hes just paid thousands for, granite work tops and posh fittings. they had invited us to a birthday party and had prepared some amazing food. shame it was ruined by the fact i nearly coughed up a hair ball from the amount of cat hair deposited in everything.
i was scowled upon because i gently pushed the cat away from my plate of food which it was trying to stick its head into.
another rather disgusting one, my mils dog i hate the fucking thing anyway it has no respect for humans or their space. it has always been treated like a child. the dog is not spade so comes into season and bleeds all over the house, is allowed on their bed, sofa on their lap eurrrrgh! the last straw for me was when it jumped on my lap while i was wearing white trousers and blobbed blood on me!!!
i love animals and i have my own dog and several others pets which are kept under control when guest are present. my dog will also be kept away from guests if they do not like her. most guests are afraid of her because shes a German Shepard so i respect their wishes and separate them.

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