Ex colleague pursuing me for a friendship I don’t want

[Mirrorbelle39]

I left my last job in January after several years. I had a senior position there. A few months prior to me leaving, a new junior admin assistant started. She is a pleasant girl, efficient at her job, but at 21 she is half my age and I didn’t feel that our relationship was anything more than professional. She is single, lives with her mum (who is my age) and she has mild autism. (I do feel this is relevant to my question)
We had little or no personal chit chat that I recall and at no point did we go out and socialise even with the rest of the team.
After I left she started to text me on a weekly basis. She must have got my number from the work group chat as I have never given it to her. Typical message is “hello how are you all?” And I usually respond “well thanks hope you are too”.

She lives about a quarter of a mile from me, and last week she suggested she could drop by for a socially distanced visit. I said this would be fine and I sat at my front door and she sat at my garden gate for an hour or so, and for about 10 minutes of this time my husband and daughter came into the garden and had a water pistol fight and said a brief hello to her. There was no real flow of conversation between us, we have nothing in common except our previous workplace (where I was extremely unhappy hence the move)
I eventually made some excuse to end the visit and said goodbye. I feel that we are ex colleagues and acquaintances and nothing more and don’t particularly want to hang out with her again.

Since then the text messages have become more frequent, she’s offering her mums services to look after my daughter when I return to work from furlough, (which I’ve politely declined) and she’s inviting me my husband and daughter round to sit in her garden when lockdown eases. I’m trying to put distance between us without being hurtful to her so I’m not answering her instantly and I’m trying to avoid getting into more conversation.

I have a friend who still works with her- a real friend who I knew before we worked together. We’ve known each other for over ten years. I spoke to her last night and she said she’s concerned that this girl is a bit “obsessed” with me and my daughter. She’s talking to people in work about me and my daughter as though she’s close to us. I didn’t respond to a text she sent on Friday night so on Saturday morning she text my friend to see if she’s heard from me as I hadn’t answered her.

I don’t know how to handle this situation. My minimal knowledge of her autism is that she can find it difficult to read peoples signals and social cues so subtle hints are not going to work here, but I really don’t want to upset her by being blunt either.

Does anyone have any practical advice?

[SummerDayWinterEvenings]

Leave it and if she starts hounding you with messages send a text saying 'Sorry very busy with my friends and family' then Don't engage. Don't respond.

If she sends repeated messages block her after a repeat copy and paste of the above. I don't understand the problem.

[mooching]

Have you got a new job?

You could thank her for her help but tell her that you are building work relationships with your new colleagues and don't have the time to maintain contact with ex colleagues.

Does that sound harsh? I was trying to indicate that these are colleague relationships.

[Mirrorbelle39]

Yes I have got a new job, although I’ve been fuloughed for now.

I suppose I know the only ways to deal with this are to be blunt and tell her how I feel or to “ghost” her as some friends and family have suggested.

It’s just that we are programmed to be polite and not offend people so it goes against how I would normally behave (I can be a bit of a people pleaser🥴)

Also concerned that she may not react well to either of those approaches due her her autism. Sorry if that sounds ignorant. Wondering if I should be more understanding of her because of this.

A general consensus of how “most people” would approach this would be helpful.

[mooching]

I don't think I would ghost as that would be confusing.

I might text:

Thanks for the texts recently, however, I don't wish to pursue a friendship. It is nothing personal but I really don't know you beyond being an ex work colleague. We are at very different stages of our lives and I think it would be better for you to invest your time in friendships with people your own age and/ or similar situation. I wish you well.

[Mirrorbelle39]

Thanks for your reply, I think this is probably the kindest way to deal with the situation.

[Rebecca980]

I think perhaps the autism aspect makes this a bit difficult.
If you’re going to go down the route of saying that you don’t want to be friends, potential here to really hurt feelings as she may not fully understand, especially if she is a little ‘obsessed’ (as is common for people with autism) - is perhaps ask your friend to keep an eye on her if she is comfortable to do that?
That said, you could just hope it dies out by itself....

[BarbsBaps]

Urgh i've been in a scarily similar situation op (except the age difference wasn't there with mine), and i learned a lot from how i handled it - badly!

i did the "trying to wait a few days" thing before responding, politely, to messages, then as Rebecca980 said, i hoped it would all go away.

unfortunately, my trying to do the professional/distant but polite thing was the worst thing i could do - it ended up with verging on being stalked across multiple social media platforms when i stopped responding to texts/calls, then involving my new employer (yes, this person approached colleagues from my new place while i was on annual leave pretending to need my contact details, but they'd got the wrong branch so it seemed a bit suspicious and i was alerted when i came back from holiday - it was akin to (say) i'm the branch manager of a north london bank but my crazy ex-colleague had walked into a cardiff branch asking my contact details, no one who i was genuinely friends with would think i still lived in cardiff even if they knew which bank i worked at!).

mine was stopped short of involving the police, i felt embarassed by it all, but honestly, i should have stopped it far earlier, and not been scared to be "rude". sending a message like mooching suggested would be my advice too. short, polite, but VERY clear.

my problem when i considered (briefly) talking to the police was that I actually couldn't find a single message, block etc written down where i'd said "please stop contacting me, i don't want to establish a friendship", it was all verbal or calls, so...

anyway, i moved home, again another change of job and thank fuck my ex-colleague hasn't found me (yet)... but if that happens i'm going to grow the pair of balls i failed to for 2-3 years!!

honestly, handle this better than i did because even now (years later!) i still flinch when i see withheld numbers, or someone shouts my name in the street just in case my sort-of-stalker pops up again

[redcarbluecar]

I think telling someone you don’t want to be friends with them is potentially a bit harsh. In this situation I think I’d try to phase it out by not replying to messages or sending very brief, non-committal replies. Appreciate a different approach may be needed if she’s really persistent or keeps turning up at your house.