Dad very ill do I tell Mom?

[loopykay]

My Dad has been my Mom's carer for the past 40+ years. Her mental health has been hard to cope with but he has done his best. 5 years ago his health deteriorated and they had to live separately. Mom really kicked off when he moved out but it saved his life. Unfortunately her behaviour can get very out of control and she is banned from visiting his care home! We've always had to hide things from her to prevent trouble. She would play up at the slightest thing. She used to throw his medication down the loo etc it was a bad environment to live in.

Now my Dad is very poorly in hospital, it could go either way. The Dr said that Dad has lost the capacity to make decisions and now it's up to me to make them ( I do have power of attorney). My Mom has been phoning the care home, myself and family members to see where my Dad is as she can't get a reply when she calls his phone. Nobody has told her a thing because they are to scared to. I'm avoiding her altogether. Obviously in an ideal world she would be told of his condition and visit him but in reality I know she will kick off and be a constant threat of returning to repeat the behaviour. I do feel very sorry for her and I'm struggling with guilt but I feel I'm doing the right thing by my Dad by keeping her out of the picture. But am I doing the right thing?

[Lougle]

I think she needs to know and to visit, the hospital can arrange a security presence if that will facilitate it. We don't always have reasonable patients or visitors at hospitals, but they do have a right to be there, as long as they don't actually cause harm. I think your Mum and Dad should be able to say what they need to say.

[pamelat]

How sad

Yes I think she needs to know too

[Chouxalacreme]

I think you’re doing the right thing protecting your dad he is the vulnerable one here
Protect him

[DrDreReturns]

If it is likely she will kick off in the hospital I wouldn't tell her where he is. Your Dad's health takes priority - it could disrupt his recovery.

[Illberidingshotgun]

Firstly, the doctor is wrong to say that your Dad has "lost the capacity to make decisions". Capacity is time and decision specific, and capacity should always be assumed until proved otherwise. His capacity needs to be assessed for this particular decision, and even if he lacks the capacity, his views need to be taken into consideration. Do you have POA for health and welfare as well as finances? If you don't have it for health & welfare, then there will need to be a best interests decision made about whether a visit from his wife should be facilitated and supported.

Regardless of the above, I believe your Mum needs to be told. Where is she living now, and who is providing her care? They need to be involved and aware of the situation. If she is not to visit him, then can other contact be facilitated? A 'phone call, letter, video call?

[loopykay]

My Dad is improving now and out of hospital in a care home. He will never be the same, it's a new version of him. I do have power of attorney for health & wealth. Thank goodness because I'm finding it very useful to help sort things out for my Dad.

My Mom lives separately in a supportive living home. The staff there know what she can be like, so do I. My Dad is more aware of things now, though he does still get very confused. He is extremely deaf so a phone call is out of the question. He hasn't asked to see my Mom, he does mention her now and again but only when talking about the past. He hasn't forgotten her behaviour. I feel I am doing the right thing for my Dad, but unfortunately that means doing the wrong thing to my Mom. I still wrestle with it, it keeps me awake at night knowing how upset she must be and thinking how I would feel in her position but then I remember the difficult abusive behaviour and I can't risk putting my Dad through that again especially in the state he's in.

[katewhinesalot]

Has she been regularly seeing him up till now?
Would he like to see her?

If the answer is yes to both, then tell her. If not, don't.

[loopykay]

She hasn't seen him for over a year now because she was banned from visiting his flat for being abusive to staff. My Dad was to scared to go visit her because of the behaviour issues. They used to talk on the phone regularly but he got so deaf it's impossible to use a phone.

[LittlefairyMum]

Could you set them up on a FaceTime call OP
Might be nice for them both
It would be sad if anything happened to either and they never got to speak / see each other again.

They've spent many years together I assume and your mums behavior is possibly mental health related, so not really her fault...

FaceTime might be easier if your dads hearing is gone... they still will be able to see each other.

[loopykay]

UPDATE

My Dad passed away 2 weeks ago. He had the best few last months I could give him. I never told my Mom where he was, this meant we didn't live on edge but made the best of things. I called her once a week with watered down updates but she wasn't as interested as I expected.

So a new dilemma. I have informed her of his passing. It was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. Yes she was very upset. I've called nearly every day since checking in on her but all I get is moans about her hair and clothes for the funeral. I've asked for input regarding the funeral arrangements. Myself and my brother want a specific sport recognised in flowers as my Dad loved it, my Mom is now threatening to swipe the flowers off the coffin as she sees them as inappropriate. I can't reason with her that everyone gets their own choice, her to. I can't cope with it. I'm terrified she's going to play up at the funeral. I haven't told her the date yet. I'm tempted not to so we can have peace but I don't want to rob her of a last goodbye. What should I do?

[Knittedfairies]

I'm sorry for your loss. I think you did the right thing by your dad in his final months, but what a horrible dilemma you're in. Would you consider holding the funeral without your mum being there, but having a smaller memorial service later?

[chilling19]

Could you tell her that you are not putting up with her behaviour and she won't be invited up to the funeral unless she stops? Then get someone to monitor her on the day and if she kicks off she is escorted out immediately? After it is over, I would seriously consider going low contact.

[loopykay]

I'm actually considering arranging 2 funerals!

[yellowallpaper]

I think you need to go along with her wishes for the funeral and try to ensure she has her own way so that she doesn't kick off. Flowers and a sports theme are unimportant as your dad will never see them. However difficult your mother is, she is his wife and they married for love so something of that must be acknowledged.

This way you can say your goodbyes without risking her making a fuss, and you can remember him and his favourite moments as you like. You all get to say goodbye this way

[TitianaTitsling]

I think the funeral and then a memorial service for her to say any goodbyes she wants, is it likely if you change the flowers she'll then kick off about something else?

[katzenellenbogen]

I am sorry for your loss. What a difficult situation for you and your brother.

I don't agree that you need to go along with her wishes - she is clearly unwell and you need to give your Dad the funeral that you think is appropriate. If you concede on the issue of the flowers then it will almost certainly be something else. As a pp has said, your Dad won't know, but you will.

If she is currently in supported living, is it possible for one of the staff members to accompany her to ensure that the rest of the family are not distracted by how she might behave?

Yes, she was his wife, but she is clearly no longer the person he married. You have "lost" your Mum as well as your Dad and you need to focus on whatever gets you through this.