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Dad very ill do I tell Mom?

(10 Posts)
loopykay Sat 13-Jul-19 22:52:47

My Dad has been my Mom's carer for the past 40+ years. Her mental health has been hard to cope with but he has done his best. 5 years ago his health deteriorated and they had to live separately. Mom really kicked off when he moved out but it saved his life. Unfortunately her behaviour can get very out of control and she is banned from visiting his care home! We've always had to hide things from her to prevent trouble. She would play up at the slightest thing. She used to throw his medication down the loo etc it was a bad environment to live in.

Now my Dad is very poorly in hospital, it could go either way. The Dr said that Dad has lost the capacity to make decisions and now it's up to me to make them ( I do have power of attorney). My Mom has been phoning the care home, myself and family members to see where my Dad is as she can't get a reply when she calls his phone. Nobody has told her a thing because they are to scared to. I'm avoiding her altogether. Obviously in an ideal world she would be told of his condition and visit him but in reality I know she will kick off and be a constant threat of returning to repeat the behaviour. I do feel very sorry for her and I'm struggling with guilt but I feel I'm doing the right thing by my Dad by keeping her out of the picture. But am I doing the right thing?

Lougle Sat 13-Jul-19 23:17:59

I think she needs to know and to visit, the hospital can arrange a security presence if that will facilitate it. We don't always have reasonable patients or visitors at hospitals, but they do have a right to be there, as long as they don't actually cause harm. I think your Mum and Dad should be able to say what they need to say. flowers

pamelat Thu 01-Aug-19 11:35:25

How sad

Yes I think she needs to know too

Chouxalacreme Thu 01-Aug-19 11:46:03

I think you’re doing the right thing protecting your dad he is the vulnerable one here
Protect him

DrDreReturns Thu 01-Aug-19 11:50:51

If it is likely she will kick off in the hospital I wouldn't tell her where he is. Your Dad's health takes priority - it could disrupt his recovery.

Illberidingshotgun Thu 01-Aug-19 11:55:46

Firstly, the doctor is wrong to say that your Dad has "lost the capacity to make decisions". Capacity is time and decision specific, and capacity should always be assumed until proved otherwise. His capacity needs to be assessed for this particular decision, and even if he lacks the capacity, his views need to be taken into consideration. Do you have POA for health and welfare as well as finances? If you don't have it for health & welfare, then there will need to be a best interests decision made about whether a visit from his wife should be facilitated and supported.

Regardless of the above, I believe your Mum needs to be told. Where is she living now, and who is providing her care? They need to be involved and aware of the situation. If she is not to visit him, then can other contact be facilitated? A 'phone call, letter, video call?

loopykay Fri 02-Aug-19 23:26:33

My Dad is improving now and out of hospital in a care home. He will never be the same, it's a new version of him. I do have power of attorney for health & wealth. Thank goodness because I'm finding it very useful to help sort things out for my Dad.

My Mom lives separately in a supportive living home. The staff there know what she can be like, so do I. My Dad is more aware of things now, though he does still get very confused. He is extremely deaf so a phone call is out of the question. He hasn't asked to see my Mom, he does mention her now and again but only when talking about the past. He hasn't forgotten her behaviour. I feel I am doing the right thing for my Dad, but unfortunately that means doing the wrong thing to my Mom. I still wrestle with it, it keeps me awake at night knowing how upset she must be and thinking how I would feel in her position but then I remember the difficult abusive behaviour and I can't risk putting my Dad through that again especially in the state he's in.

katewhinesalot Fri 02-Aug-19 23:30:18

Has she been regularly seeing him up till now?
Would he like to see her?

If the answer is yes to both, then tell her. If not, don't.

loopykay Fri 02-Aug-19 23:47:50

She hasn't seen him for over a year now because she was banned from visiting his flat for being abusive to staff. My Dad was to scared to go visit her because of the behaviour issues. They used to talk on the phone regularly but he got so deaf it's impossible to use a phone.

LittlefairyMum Wed 02-Oct-19 15:42:13

Could you set them up on a FaceTime call OP
Might be nice for them both
It would be sad if anything happened to either and they never got to speak / see each other again.

They've spent many years together I assume and your mums behavior is possibly mental health related, so not really her fault...

FaceTime might be easier if your dads hearing is gone... they still will be able to see each other.

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