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(11 Posts)
pinkflower22 Sun 02-Dec-18 02:24:13

Hey guys,

In a dilemma trying to think of why partner not interested in marriage.

Want to know, do you think there is any point in getting married?

Is it different to just being in a relationship?

Can you let me know your viewpoints and reason for.

Nanalisa60 Sun 02-Dec-18 02:44:32

Why don’t you just ask him why he does not want to marry you? I know people who have been living together for over 40 years does not seem to bother them a few of them have grown up married kids now. I am married but that’s because he said I hood winked him into it!! I did say marry me or I’m off!! But between you and me I would not have gone!! And between you and me I know he loves being married not that he would admit it!!

pinkflower22 Sun 02-Dec-18 10:06:21

@Nanalisa60 he says he doesn't believe in marriage because he thinks it doesn't add anything to a relationship and says nothing changes it. He thinks that there are other ways to show commitment. I don't know how to argue this to him

I could say it to him but I don't want him to think I'm only interested in being married that's all and not about him.

Sunshinegirl82 Sun 02-Dec-18 10:12:02

I think you can be in a committed relationship whether married or not. The key differences are your legal and financial rights in the event of death or the end of the relationship. These can be very significant depending on your circumstances.

In many (although by no means all) cases women generally benefit from being married if they have children and reduce their earning potential as a result (by taking time off or working part time).

This website gives a useful summary of the differences:

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

pinkflower22 Sun 02-Dec-18 10:29:46

@Sunshinegirl82
Thanks for your reply. We wouldn't be having a U.K. registered legal wedding only a small religious ceremony.

I agree with what you are saying but I think that for me marriage is one step more of a commitment than a relationship and a declaration of your love. The only problem is I'm not good with words so don't know how to explain to him. I agree that nothing will change, but at the moment I'm always thinking since we know we want to be together, why don't we just get married sooner rather then five years later, and I feel as if I'm only good enough to be a girlfriend and not a wife.

blueskiesandforests Sun 02-Dec-18 10:43:27

pinkflower22 why wouldn't you have a legal wedding? If you have a religious ceremony in a context which is not legally recognized in the country you live in then your partner is right, it doesn't change anything.

Sunshine 's link sets out the point in getting married - it gives both partners legal security.

If you don't want children and both work full time and either don't own property or own as tenants in common, have seperate finances and neither gives anything up (moving region or country, one career taking a back seat to support the other, mutual agreement that one partner work part time or SAH to do bulk of childcare and domestic load etc etc) to facilitate the other then there's no reason except the party and "public statement of commitment" which are nice but ultimately serve no more purpose than going on holiday together - i.e. you do it because you want to but don't expect it to serve any practical purpose.

Why wouldn't you do the legal side of getting married? That makes a mockery of bothering at all surely.

pinkflower22 Sun 02-Dec-18 10:48:51

@blueskiesandforests

For us financially with owning houses we are better of as legally unmarried,

A religious ceremony for us would still mean that we are married.

Nanalisa60 Sun 02-Dec-18 11:25:51

pinkflower22

Coming up to Christmas if probably not the best time to have a long talk with your boyfriend but in January I think you need to sit him down and but your cards on the table tell him why you want to be married or at least have a civil partnership. Also ask him what are these other way of showing commitment? Also how old are you both do u have any children? Does he want children do u want children? Maybe you are just not on the same life page?

HollowTalk Sun 02-Dec-18 11:31:40

There are many times where it's better to be married. The main one is if the woman gives up work for a while or goes part-time to look after their children, while the guy continues working and progressing up the career ladder and paying a pension. If you are in that position and unmarried, you're very, very vulnerable.

I think that if someone isn't prepared to commit to you and protect you through marriage, then you need to have a very long hard look at whether staying with him is in your best interests.

FinallyHere Sun 09-Dec-18 08:00:09

We are both financially independent, no DC together, so for us, the only trigger for marriage was to avoid paying inheritance tax: anything left between spouses is free of tax. Oh, and by gifting each other shares, you can utilise capital gains allowances from both partners.

seriouslyreally Wed 03-Apr-19 08:07:10

In case you're still having this ethical dilemma my now DH was very the same and wasn't interested in marriage but couldn't say why and it bloody infuriated me!. I however was raised to believe that getting married was the "proper" thing to do.

I also wasn't prepared to have children without being married - I didn't want a different name to my DC and also I didn't want to then get married because I was the mother of his DC - I wanted him to marry me for me.

In the end it came down to this - I loved him enough to marry him I didn't love him enough to stay with him and never get married.

He's now my DH!

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