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In need of urgent clarity

(4 Posts)
LimitingFactor Tue 23-Oct-18 16:07:10

First off I am a man, but I though female inutition might be a good thing at this point.

I met this person at University. I was brought up in a deeply religious background (rejected since) and somewhat sheltered. And at age 18 fell hard for this girl. She had very pushy parents who were set against her having any relationship and we sort of had an on/off relationship throughout university. Part of the problem was of course being the same age (21 days between our birthdays) I was less mature than her.

We started dating again after university, but we split up after she told me that if left she was going backwards. At that point I decided (in my huge 22 year old wisdom) that I should move on. You have to understand that I was still totally infatuated with her even at this point. It was not a decision I took likely.

Well perhaps the inevitable happened. I rather too quickly married the first person who would have me. Hindsight is a great thing, and despite warnings from friends I carried on regardless.

It has turned into a fairly love less marriage of course. But we have two wonderful and brilliant children.

In a attempt to try an make my wife happy we moved abroad to my wife's home country. It did nothing to fix the problems in our marriage, but has left me feeling isolated and deeply lonely.

Which brings us up to today. Last weekend I met up for dinner with the girl from University. It was a horrific mistake. I feel utterly hollowed out. I cope with everything normally but this has highlighted quite how unhappy I am.

We spent just two hours together having a meal. I can not describe how happy I felt. It is how I imaging Heroin feels like. It's not that I have been keeping in touch. This is the first contact in 5 years. I have tried everything (as I see it, I realise my wife may well disagree) to make the marriage work. My parents came to visit a couple of weeks ago, and she kicked them out (bare in mind my father is in his 80s now). She has a temper. I know how this looks, having dinner with an ex when you are married, but I am reaching the end of my tether. I don't want this to become a whingefest but there are reasons why I feel so alienated with my wife.

So we had dinner, that was all. We caught up with each others lives. She told me how much she wanted to settle down, how much she wanted children (we are currently 38). Then she went on to talk about the things I had done when we were dating and how I had made her feel spoiled.

And then I walker her to the station and have her a hug and kissed her on the cheek and watcher her walk down the steps. And ever since then I have been feeling so utterly bereft.

I know I have duty to my children who I love utterly, and to my wife. I don't know why I am even writing this. It's possibly insane. But I those two hours were the happiest I have been in years and I know logically if anything I am in love with a a fiction based on a person 16 years ago.

I think I need someone to tell me I need to think of the children, and not to be so bloody silly and to bloody well wake up and smell the coffee etc.

heresyandwitchcraft Tue 30-Oct-18 21:03:31

OP, have you tried posting this on the Relationships board? You should be able to get more advice there.

Charolais Wed 31-Oct-18 03:47:40

OP The girl from uni is your first love and you never forget your first love. My first love found me again after 35 years and it was so bitter sweet.

How old are your children?

Floralgizelle Tue 08-Jan-19 15:47:59

I absolutely agree that we should always think of our children when making potentially life changing decisions. My parents actually stayed together on occasions they threatened to divorce 'for our sakes'. They only ended up getting divorced later. I would say i havent met many people who would offer the advice 'remain married for the kids' only the parents in that situation. If you are this unhappy, its likely your current wife is also unhappy. I would think about if your current marriage is what YOU want and if you would want to try and save it or if it is beyond that. You will struggle to be happy in a lovless marriage and i would imagine your wife will not be fully happy either. Although i must admit i wouldnt be happy if my other half met up with an ex, however nothing happened. If you are thinking about staying in contact with your ex you may need to think about what it is you truly want from life and its not just because youve seen her and shes your first love. Hope this is of some help and you find happiness.

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