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(21 Posts)
oldnewbie Mon 10-Sep-18 10:45:39

I'm very new to online dating and arranged to meet with a guy who I'd hit it off with.
I feel really shitty for the reasons I didn't take it forward, but also feel he wasn't honest at all.
I arrived for coffee at the cafe we'd arranged to meet at, and couldn't see him. Then, a man arrived in a wheelchair being pushed by a carer. Didn't for a minute imagine this was my date, as no mention of any disability prior to this. However, he was my date, and it turns out he has fairly advanced Parkinson's disease.
I have every sympathy with him, but felt deceived by the fact he hadn't mentioned it at all. I have to say that it would have ruled him out. I'm not heartless, and I do have some understanding of disability - my late husband had MS, and I nursed him through terminal cancer. (I'm in my late 50s). But I really don't want to go into a relationship where I'd be a nurse.
I've had to block the guy as he turned really nasty when I told him that there was no future in this. I feel really bad, but also feel I'm protecting me, if that makes sense. Was I being unreasonable?

PickledChutney Mon 10-Sep-18 11:34:30

I don’t think you were being unreasonable. It was poor form on his part not to mention it and I’m in total agreement with you. It would be a lot to expect someone to take on a new relationship with someone who would need a lot of care. Totally different if you’re with someone who you love and they become ill during the course of your relationship.

It’s sad for the person with Parkinson’s but you were totally within your rights and shouldn’t feel guilty at all. You’ve pretty much been catfished by the person as they have misrepresented themselves online. Stand firm and don’t feel bad about your decision not to pursue it.

oldnewbie Mon 10-Sep-18 11:43:11

Thank you for your reassurance. Yes, it is different when you're in a long term relationship with someone who becomes disabled - my late husband was diagnosed withMS when we'd been together nearly a decade, married for 5 years, and that was totally different.

oldnewbie Mon 10-Sep-18 11:49:49

Also, he is still on the dating site with pictures and a profile that give the impression of an active, able bodied man.

Notwhoyouthink35 Mon 10-Sep-18 11:51:55

Not nasty or unreasonable at all. He didn’t disclose something which would have a massive impact on any potential relationship. Keep him blocked.

MargoLovebutter Mon 10-Sep-18 11:55:41

oldnewbie, do not feel bad and no you were not being unreasonable.

Your date lied by omission and you have every right to be upset by that. To portray yourself as able bodied on a dating profile and not mention a life-limiting illness that leaves you wheelchair bound is dishonest.

oldnewbie Mon 10-Sep-18 12:03:47

Thanks for your replies. This man had previously wanted to meet for lunch at his house, which I refused on safety terms, but I now realise that this was because without the help of a carer he is housebound.

oldnewbie Mon 10-Sep-18 12:55:44

Also, I was puzzled as to how he was able to text, as he doesn't have sufficient motor control to operate a phone, but he uses voice recognition software.

INeedNewShoes Mon 10-Sep-18 13:01:00

Wow that's a terrible way for him to approach dating.

Do not feel bad. He has created this situation not you and him turning nasty just proves further that you need to steer clear.

My father has Parkinson's so I know there are good days and bad even once it advances. A partner would have to be incredibly committed to looking after someone with Parkinson's even if they have a professional carer.

oldnewbie Mon 10-Sep-18 16:17:20

I was shocked and polite when I met him, but also angry at having been lied to by omission. It made for rather an awkward meeting!

Electrascoffee Mon 24-Sep-18 14:29:43

Of course you weren't being unreasonable. He's been deceitful and misrepresented himself and who he is. His disability is going to impact your life as well as his. I don't blame you for not wanting to be a nurse.

Electrascoffee Mon 24-Sep-18 14:31:47

Nobody owes anyone a relationship when all said and done.

Haggishaggispudding Mon 24-Sep-18 14:34:30

I’m going to go against the grain a little with this. Fair enough, he’s not what you’re looking for, but i don’t blame him for not telling you upfront. It’s difficult to know how much to tell someone you’ve never met, and subconsciously or not, arguably we do all hold things back about ourselves.

It doesn’t say anything bad about you though that he wasn’t for you. But look at it from his side too, dating with any kind of disability is tricky. Whilst I am not in a wheelchair or visibly disabled, I have a few disabilities which I don’t disclose until I’ve met someone or sometimes until we’ve had a few dates.

Don’t be hard on yourself, but don’t be too hard on him either.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict Mon 24-Sep-18 14:38:48

You were not in the wrong OP. He should have been honest and know that it would put you in an awkward situation.
I did online dating a few years ago. I became friendly with a man with spina bifida, just chatting online, but not flirting. He asked me would I accept a relationship with no sex as he was unable to and I was honest and said no as I was only 26 at the time and wanted more children. He became very nasty saying I was disablist and that I wouldn't meet anyone with my attitude. But surely it's better to let someone down gently than lead them on?

Electrascoffee Mon 24-Sep-18 17:48:48

Haggis - it's too big a thing for him not to tell someone imo. He's completely reliant on a carer and probably can't have sex.

Electrascoffee Mon 24-Sep-18 17:52:59

Chocolate - omg he sounded awful. How could you dare to not be happy to restrict yourself to a celibate life at 26 eh(?!) It's not disablist to not want to be with someone who can not provide the most important elements of a relationship.

Haggishaggispudding Mon 24-Sep-18 20:01:02

Electra id say not being able to have sex is a conversation to have face to face. The guy probably deals with a LOT of assumptions based on his health and I can understand why he’d want to explain that to someone once they’d got as far as meeting each other if it is the case. In saying that, it’s not fair to get angry at someone who just isn’t interested for what ever reason. I had a guy with Significant facial scarring get annoyed with me because our conversation naturally ended. He wasn’t for me but it had nothing to do with his face. He got blocked.

ittooshallpass Sat 05-Jan-19 02:13:56

This happened to me too OP. I was shocked and upset that my date hadn't disclosed his disability.

I had just come out of a very abusive relationship where my ex had continually lied and gaslighted me, so
the whole situation was very upsetting.

Please don't feel bad - you are totally justified in feeling let down.

WarIsPeace Sun 06-Jan-19 09:46:04

I nearly met up with someone from OLD who disclosed a slight affect from a previous brain bleed. He was very honest and we were going to meet anyway, I backed out because he had very specific sex preferences that don't suit me.

But I wouldn't have felt guilty for a moment to cancel on the grounds of anything like that, it's significant and would have a huge impact on a potential relationship.

Moondancer73 Fri 19-Apr-19 23:40:47

I have to say I've been there too. Met a guy for coffee and when he showed up he plainly had a pronounced limp and an arm that didn't work and was deaf - bit of a shock to say the least.
I think being honest is a must. For lots of people it wouldn't be a deal breaker but not saying anything is the problem for me.

Chewysmum Wed 09-Oct-19 23:20:39

Personally I would have felt the same as you. To start a relationship with a man who can't have sex, can't even give you a cuddle, and whom you will have to watch wither away in the (probably) near future is my idea of hell. And worse than all those things, is the fact that he got angry, I mean does he not see what a huge issue it is? I watched my baby's grandad die of Parkinsons a couple of years ago and it was brutal, and he wasn't even nearly as advanced in the disease as this man sounds to be. He could pass on any day, that's way too much for any total stranger to commit to.

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