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Ethical dilemmas

2 year affair now pregnant and alone

16 replies

Mum2girl2015 · 04/08/2018 17:13

I’m new to this and not proud of my actions. The man I was seeing wasn’t married when we first started out he married his now wife 6months into our relationship. I am due to give birth to his first and only child in 5 weeks time, he is adamant he wants to be at the birth and do everything he can for me and his child. Even still says he loves me. His wife found out about me and the pregnancy nearly 3 months ago now and she chose she wanted to work on their marriage so after him living with me for 2 days he went back. Am I being a mug for basically allowing him to call the shots. They have no children at all but found out they have been together for over 10 years. I feel bad so please I’m not looking for home wrecker comments I just need to share how much I’m hurting too. I fell for this man hard he was a work colleague and we got on soo well he’s my best friend .... I know deep down I need to let him go cos he was never truly mine .... anyone else been in the same or similar situation? I haven’t spoke to his wife cos I’m ashamed

OP posts:

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notanurse2017 · 04/08/2018 17:14

This man is many things but being your best friend is not one of them.

Nearlymothertofour · 04/08/2018 17:16

@Mum2girl2015 I hope you're okay and I really feel for you and however hard it is I don't think you can continue being romantically linked with him it's not fair on you, his wife or the baby.

HootOnABoat · 04/08/2018 17:18

You are being a bit of a mug and it sounds very much one sided I'm afraid. You say he's your best friend and yet... he left you to go back to his wife. 2 days isn't living together, it's a sleepover.

You need to focus on the baby. Get him on the birth certificate (but do NOT give baby his surname), arrange child support and decide on visitation rights and frequency, as well as whether baby will stay with him once it is bigger. Think about the practical things and your and your baby's future.

Agustarella · 04/08/2018 17:21

No general advice, but it would be smart to sort out the maintenance payments while he's still feeling guilty. I've given birth twice as a single parent, though under different circumstances - the blokes were single and obviously intended to stay that way. Best wishes for the future.

Notonthestairs · 04/08/2018 17:26

Sorry but if I've read that right he's your best friend and yet you've recently discovered that he's been with his now wife for 10 years?
If that is correct then he's not your best friend or even a good friend. He's not very nice and not a catch.
I know you must be scared but for the time being focus on your baby, doing only what makes you feel comfortable and - even if he proves to be a reliable and caring father - ditch the romantic side of your relationship altogether.
You can and will meet someone a lot more suited to you.

Mum2girl2015 · 04/08/2018 17:27

You’re right 2 days is just a sleepover 😔 we have already agreed that baby is going to have my surname and not his .... my first born also has my surname as her dad walked out before she was born .... I know deep down I need to let go but when he’s constantly texting and calls me everyday on his way to work, breaks and on his way home it’s hard to cut ties .... can he really be a dad to our unborn? He says he’s gonna be there no matter what his wife says but I wouldn’t like it if I was in her place

OP posts:

RachelAnneJ · 04/08/2018 17:31

He chose her. Move on.

SpecialBond · 04/08/2018 17:39

6 months after starting a relationship with you he married his partner of 10 years. I think that demonstrates how he feels.

Nearlymothertofour · 04/08/2018 17:45

@Mum2girl2015 they're right, how did pick her so you need to move on and you want a man like that romantically in your life anyway no matter how much you feel for him.

And I understand what you're saying I'm sure it will be incredibly difficult on his wife but again she's chosen to take him back she knows the situation.

He is the one at fault here not the baby and so it's his responsibility to stand up and be a father, pay for his child and offer all the support that he can.

I think it's excellent you already have an understanding that the baby will have your surname and I trust that you'll be a fabulous mother with or without him as I imagine you have been with your first!!

MrsBertBibby · 04/08/2018 18:16

Don't put his name on the birth certificate. Let him prove how involved a dad he will be before you give him Parental Responsibility.

It's easy to give him PR 6 months down the line, but virtually impossible to take it away once he has it. Leaving you with 18 years of trouble every time you want to go overseas.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 04/08/2018 18:21

Oh my God. I had a relationship with a married man in my teens and I thought that he was a bastard but your fella wins the All Time Wanker award. HOW did he justify getting married when he had been sleeping with you for six months? Why did you accept it? Fucking hell. Get him on the birth certificate so you can get the money your baby deserves from it’s father but bollocks to having any contact with him beyond civility. Arsehole.

AnotherOriginalUsername · 04/08/2018 19:01

I've been with my husband for 10 years, married for 9 months and I can categorically say that if he got another woman pregnant, he would be strung up to the ceiling by his balls. I would not "work at it" and there would be absolutely no going back.

I'd be questioning what the wife actually knows and maybe even having a chat with her.

AnyFucker · 04/08/2018 23:17

What is the dilemma ?

Cloudyapples · 04/08/2018 23:18

He got married to someone else 6 months in and you didn’t end things then??

TwinkleMerrick · 04/08/2018 23:42

I once dated a man who I thought was single to then find out he was engaged to another women. I continued to see him for a while because I fell so in love with him. But later on down the line I soon realised he wasn't what I thought, after all how could I love a man who didn't love me enough to commit?

I think you need some
Distance from him, which is difficult because your having his baby. He doesn't get to call the shots, you are having a baby and your the one who will do all the hard work!

I would try to keep contact to a minimum. He obviously should get to see the baby but it can be on your terms.

If you go on citizens advice website they have a link to a website where you can come up with a parental agreement. You don't even have to talk to him, just fill out the form and it gets emailed to him. He can agree or not agree, it can get all
Sorted out on the website. This way once you have the basics set up then your don't need to talk to him unless an emergency or plans change.

But right now focus on you and the baby. You are perfectly within your rights to not see him now, in the lead up to the birth and for the first few months of motherhood.....it's hard enough without this stress! Just tell him straight, you need to focus on the baby, when things have settled down and your feeling better (stronger) then he can beginning a relationship with the child.

Good luck xx

Pompom42 · 05/08/2018 09:15

I'd say don't put him on birth certificate. Give baby your surname. Start talking finances with him NOW. Let him be at the birth if he wants.
He's chosen her please don't think she's chosen him as it's his choice too.
I feel for you I can imagine how hard it is. It is a crap situation and it won't be until you've had the baby that things will either get better or a whole lot worse.
I was in a terrible situation 4 years ago but I've made the best of it, there was a baby involved and in the end I gave birth without the baby daddy there.

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