Last night my DD called me into her room to tell me she had sex with her BF last weekend. She said she'd been wanting to tell me all week but hadn't worked up the courage to do it, and she was nervous about how I would take it. I wasn't angry but I just felt overwhelmingly sad as I really hoped she would wait until she was at least 16. I still see her as my baby, and I don't know what this means about my parenting or how I should act going forward.
They're both 15 and neither had had sex before. She's been on the pill for a while as she had very painful and irregular periods, and she says they used a condom. They've been going out for 6 months and he is certainly a nice boy - he's polite and respectful, he encourages her to study and I admire his dedication to sport. They seem to have a cuddly, chatty and fun relationship, and I do have some respect for her choice of sexual partner as it looks like they're both in it for the long-(well, at least medium-)haul.
But I can't shake off this feeling of having failed. I've been very open with her about sexual health and relationship issues, but I have always emphasised that sex is about love and intimacy between ADULTS, and that no-one should be having sex under-age. I grew up being pressured to have sex by lots of older boyfriends but was adamant that I wouldn't until I was old enough, and didn't until I was nearly 17. I'm struggling to understand why she felt the need to do this so young - she just says 'it felt right' - and can't help wondering what was missing in her life and whether I've been neglectful or what...???
She says they both feel good about it and she has no regrets. She also says he was kind and sensitive and didn't rush her, but it happened when we'd all popped out for a couple of hours in the afternoon, so I feel like there was definitely some opportunism going on.
Anyway, things have now got worse as yesterday she asked if he could sleep over in a few weeks time...
I think I was reasonably balanced in my reaction to the news that they had had sex (though I did tell her how sad it made me feel) but I could barely even speak when she asked to have him overnight. She can't understand why this is just not acceptable to me. She says they won't do anything when I'm in the house anyway but I feel like this would be just too laissez-faire and I can't get my head around it at all.
I really need to hear from anyone who's been in the same position! Did I do something wrong? And where do I go from here? I have a great and very close relationship with my DD and she is very mature on every other front so I don't want to be overly authoritarian, but I'm really struggling with this one.
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Ethical dilemmas
My 15 year old daughter is having sex and I don't know what to do
16 replies
Molimoo · 26/06/2018 10:20
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