He antes a baby now he doesn’t...

[Elzeebub]

So a bit of back story..
My OH roughly 8 months ago decided he wanted to try for a baby and after 2 weeks of discussion, we decided to try and for me to come off the pill ( this was HIM who decided to bring it up )

Now fast forward to a few weeks ago he sat down and told me he doesn’t want to right now, he says he is so happy with us and our sex life he doesn’t want anything to change. He wants to wait another 4 years.

I’m heartbroken I understand his reasoning and I’m not going to force him into anything, however I was ready I had been doing ovulation tests etc and when he told me he didn’t want to anymore I was in shock. It was completely out of nowhere to me that he would change his mind.

Now I feel a void, I was ready for my life to have something so amazing in it and I feel so maternal I’m finding it really difficult.
I’ve explained how I feel but to be fair ... what can he do?!

Anyone else been through this what did you find helped? I’m so up and down I don’t know what to do.

[itsBritneyBeach]

4 years is quite specific, and quite a long time away, for saying he wanted a baby not too long ago. I'd be inclined to have another conversation with him and find out if there's anything he's worried about or if he truly does just want a better sex life rather than a baby.

It's good that you don't feel an urge to force him into it though, although I'm so sorry to hear this. It must be so frustrating for you

[CircleofWillis]

How old are you OP? If four years from now means you are reaching the limit of your reproductive period I would consider this relationship very carefully. If after four years he is still not ready and you are in your early forties for example your own chances of having a child might be forfeit. Also if you will be mid to late 30s it is important to remember that you will have an increased possibility of fertility difficulties.
Even without considering the difference in the parenthood window for women vs men four years is a long time. Do you think his reservations are financial, fear of change, lack of commitment to your relationship? This should be a joint decision and you cannot force someone else to have a child if the time is not right. However you need to have a frank discussion to determine whether the time will EVER be right for him.

[SmashedMug]

Four years is so specific that id translate it as "I want to buy more time and will do the same again in four years".

[Loopytiles]

How old are you? Are you married? If not, do you have savings or financial assets, or would you plan to work FT after maternity leave?

[MyKingdomForBrie]

Four years?! I wouldn't be waiting four years if I was ready now, though if you're early 20's then I suppose that's different, we didn't ttc til 30s.

[NameChange30]

How old are you both?
How long have you been together?
Are you married?
Have you asked him to explain his change of heart in a bit more depth? Because “I’m happy with how things are” doesn’t explain why he did want to try and no longer does.
Maybe he met someone else? Has his behaviour changed lately?

[TroubledLichen]

That’s really cruel of him and I’m so sorry. But 4 years is a very long time and so oddly specific, it sounds like he won’t ever be sure if he wants children and he’s trying to buy time by dangling it like a carrot in front you. Ask yourself if you’re willing to wait 4 years then have him say he’s still not ready, or doesn’t ever want children at all. If having a baby is a non-negogitable deal breaker for you then this might well be the end of your relationship. I’m very sorry but it’s definitely time for you both to have a frank discussion and for you to decide what’s more important; the relationship or the chance to have children.

This is unless you are very young, if you’re early 20s then absolutely normal to want to wait until you’re a bit older so ignore everything I said above.

[shouldwestayorshouldwego]

Agree that if you are older then it is not worth hanging around. If you are younger then consider using the time to plan your career to protect yourself against the knock that motherhood will have on it. Also you might consider marriage if not already and if you think that he will be the main earner. Use the four years strategically.

[Elzeebub]

Hey guys just to answer a few questions...
We are married in fact it’s our 3yr anniversary today.
Currently he is studying part time to help further his career hence why he said 4 years (it will be when he finishes his studying)
I’m currently 28 x

[NameChange30]

Ok well the 4 year course does explain why he’s decided that he wants to wait 4 years.

At 28 you do still have time, but it depends how many children you want, and you do need to consider the possibility of difficulties conceiving.

Could you afford to both get a private fertility check?

I think he does need to think about balancing career ambitions and desire to have a family, obviously it’s sensible to want to provide for the family, but there are also ways of making things work if a baby comes along before he finishes he course. Do you have supportive family nearby who could help out if he is working/studying a lot?

[CircleofWillis]

Ok the four years makes sense now. If you are married and he is seeing the postponement as planning for your future together that does make sense. You are understandably disappointed as you are already seeing yourself as having moved to the next stage of your life. Perhaps you could discuss this and compromise if it seems too long. It should be a joint decision and if you can afford it financially and emotionally perhaps you shouldn’t wait four years. However studying with a young baby is very hard and he might not be able to do his fair share of childcare etc as a result.

[TroubledLichen]

If his u-turn is to do with wanting to wait until he’s finished studying and it’s not about being worried about changes to your sex life as per your OP then that would actually pretty sensible, especially given you’ll only be 32 then. Although the way he’s gone about it is really cruel and it’s understandable you are upset. You need to have a serious and honest discussion to determine if he wants children but he wants to wait until he’s working full time again or if he’s really not sure and 4 years is the earliest he’s willing to even think about it. Those are two very different things and to me would make all the difference when it came to evaluating the relationship. Good luck.

[Colbu24]

There is so much living to do before children. My husband and I were together for 16 years beforehand we had our son. We had so much fun alone. We did so much together.
We would have waited longer but we were getting old. I was 37 and he was 45 when our son was born.
We've been so happy focusing on our only son. We did just about everything we wanted and have all the time in the world for our son.
We've been together for 29 years. Don't feel sad look forward to enjoy your husband and your freedom.
There is plenty of time still.

[Elzeebub]

I think my concerns are..
He is on medication that can hinder fertility and I have had issues in the past regarding endo and PID.
I know he loves me and we will one day have children but I don’t know what to do with the feeling of maternal instinct that I can’t remove I feel really lonely I’ve spoken with him about how I feel but I don’t think he truly will understand. How do I deal with this feeling...

[DoinItForTheKids]

I think my concern is the same as other PPs. Firstly there's the risk that there's something else he uses as a reason/excuse in four years time - then you've just wasted four years. Or, you come to start trying in four years time only to find there are fertility problems and then there's pressure on you, stress trying to conceive etc.

I guess the entire thing comes down to how genuine your other half is - really, that in four years he WILL be happy to try.... straight away...

[DoinItForTheKids]

Having just read your recent post OP, if he's genuine, will he be willing to go with you and you both have your fertility tested so at least you know (as far as you can) what the reality might be as regards that? Then it might baseline where things are. If it looks like fertility in combination between the two of you is on the lower end of the scale, waiting four years could well be a bit unrealistic as it could take a good while to conceive.

[Loopytiles]

Can understand his reasons, working FT plus study would be extremely difficult with a baby/toddler, especially if you WoH too. But IMO potential fertility issues are a more important factor.

You don’t know until you ttc whether it will be possible to have DC. No one does. You know there are potential issues. Infertility can be a long road and being older could reduce your chances.

I think leaving ttc until 32 would be risky. Secondary infertility is also a risk: I experienced this.