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Having a child with a man you don't want to be with. Considering abortion

(3 Posts)
ScarletMagenta Sat 14-Apr-18 09:16:26

Hi. I'm 5 months pregnant, a soon to be single mum, and I went into this knowing I'd be raising my child with a man I barely like. I struggled immensely with that decision in the first 4 months and even considered abortion right up to the last minute. Through that time I found lots of posts online by women in the same situation, struggling with the same issues. So I thought I'd post my story, because every perspective helps.

I was going to leave the father of my child the day before I found out I was pregnant. We'd been seeing each other for a month. He was going through a very difficult time and sent me a text telling me to fuck off and die. I'm not a child so it didn't upset me that much but it was obvious that he wasn't the man for me. Perhaps out of sympathy, or because he didn't get out of bed all day, I don't remember which, I delayed the split. I also knew I was late so the next day I took a test and WOOHOO I was pregnant. I had desperately wanted a child for the previous 5 years but it never happened and I had convinced myself it wasn't going to. Realistically it was because I'd never been in a position to properly try, since all my relationships in that time had been with childish selfish men who didn't want the same thing. When I told the father I was pregnant he was extremely happy, and continued to support me throughout the worst 4 months of my life suffering from morning sickness so bad I couldn't eat or get out of bed and worried I would lose my job. Every waking hour was vomiting and nausea. I felt like I was dying, and considered abortion several times just so I could finally stop being sick. Depression hit me hard, but I convinced myself it was just the sickness making me feel that way. I was finally pregnant. My family were excited for me. This was what I wanted, wasn't it?

Eventually the sickness subsided, but I was still struggling to get out of bed. I realised I had pre-natal depression. And I knew it was because I was having a child with a man I didn't want to be with. On the way to the 12 week scan, I decided I would end the relationship and felt much better. Officially we split but ended up still living together, with him sleeping on the sofa until he could find a new place. But I still couldn't reconcile having a child with someone I had quickly grown to detest. He was so far from my idea of a good father or partner. We were complete opposites. How could I bring a child into this situation? Why had I ever thought I could do this on my own? Why had I thrown away my easy life for all this misery? I desperately called around abortion clinics trying to get help. It wasn't too late to change things. I couldn't get an appointment with my GP for a month and I needed to end the pregnancy immediately. In the end it was too difficult. There were no private services nearby and the NHS clinic took weeks to arrange my first appointment. By that time I felt it was too late. I could feel the first tennis ball sized swelling of a bump, even though no one else could see it. Eventually I spoke to my midwife and GP about my depression. At 16 weeks I broke down sobbing in my GPs office and she advised me it wasn't too late to end things but I'd need to make a decision in the next 2 weeks. I couldn't do it. I took 2 weeks off work with "pregnancy complications" and kept the baby. I was still hugely depressed during that time, but when I went back to work and got my routine back things started to improve.

I'm now 22 weeks pregnant. I can't remember when I realised the father of my child was an alcoholic. But I feel like I should have known much earlier. I had often ended up in long term relationships with addicts but I had thought all that was long in the past, and never imagined I'd be so cruel as to bring a baby into that situation. I've accepted now that I am having this baby, and I know already that I love her. It's difficult to explain how you can love your baby but also wish you had never conceived. I know how much she's going to suffer for my mistake and I will live with that guilt all my life. If I could go back, I would have used protection, and if I couldn't go back that far I would have had an abortion in the first few weeks. I would have sat down and thought logically about whether I had the time and money to raise a child on my own without any family nearby to help. Maybe I would have seen the father for the addict that he is instead of thinking selfishly about how much I wanted a child.

That's my story. If you have any questions or alternative views please comment. I hope this helps someone in a similar position. There are lots of us out there. Just remember, you will not be the first or last person to have to make this decision and please get an emergency appointment to ask your GP for help if you need it. I wish I had done so much sooner.

ChocolateBunnies12 Thu 05-Jul-18 12:13:58

I could have written your post, I kept the baby, suffered depression throughout my pregnancy purely because of who the father is.. sad to say DD is now one, and it hasn’t got any better. Not one bit. If anything, it’s worse, I feel so stupid for thinking I’d be able to make it worse. The father has no contact (his choice, stopped seeing her at the start of the year) and I’m totally unsupported and miserable. I love DD but I didn’t know what I was letting myself in for. If I found myself in a similar situation, I’d have the abortion without a second thought. I went from being happy, outgoing, having good career prospects and enjoying life to being depressed and miserable. Quite literally ruined my life.

PhoenixT Tue 11-Jun-19 18:21:31

This was exactly what I faced but I was 8 months gone and facing homelessness. I left him, went to the local authority for help as I had no friends of family (he had alienated me from everyone over the years), so had no choice. I kept my baby (now 8) and I've never looked back. The first year was extremely hard, single mum, homelessness, financially broke, mentally broke, but i did it and you can too. You have no idea how empowered you'll feel afterwards.

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