My parents are unsafe to drive-what to do?

[DarthNigel]

My parents are both elderly, though my dad is much older than my Mum at 87. Due to issues with their eyes (for which they have each had operations), diabetes (dad) and just general older age they have at best one fully working eye between them.Both of their sight levels vary in quality but I would never consider them to be good particularly.
Their reactions are slow and some of their decision making when driving is very questionable.
It's got so bad now that neither I, nor my brother will allow them to drive our kids around. They gave my sister a lift somewhere the other day and she was petrified.
I live 250 miles away from my parents. My sister lives in the same village, my brother about an hour away. The village they live in is in the country but with a local
Shop, pub, and two buses an hour to the local biggish town and the Drs they use etc.My parents are not well versed in using public transport though my mum is more up for it than my Dad.It would clearly be less convenient than having a car, but it wouldn't be impossible to manage without. Massive change for them of course which I do understand and they would feel restricted. But my sister would help I think where possible-she doesn't work and her kids have left home.
My siblings and I have tried raising with them that they may not be safe to drive anymore. We have been met with angry reaction, horror at the thought of them 'losing their freedom' and in fact they have just gone out and bought a new fairly large car (which they find impossible to park without scraping it on other vehicles).
I'm so concerned they will kill themselves or someone else.
What can we possibly do about this if they refuse to consider the possibility that they may be unsafe? Shop them to the DVLA and risk ruining our relationship with them (which it would-they would hit the roof).
Anyone any experience of this?

Ironically they went through the exact same thing with my own Grandad when he was in his 80's and were frustrated that he wouldn't listen to reason when they said he should stop driving. He came to his senses when he crashed into a, fortunately empty, parked car one day.My Parents have had lots of scrapes in the last few years but somehow nothing major yet.

[Notasperfectasallothermners]

You can report anonymously online, dvla can request medical information which I assume would not speak favourably for them to continue driving. Or report to 111.

[AnyFucker]

Report them to the dvla of course

There is no "dilemma" here

[MyKingdomForBrie]

Contact the DVLA then swear blind you didn’t do it!

[ProfYaffle]

Are there any Dial a Ride type schemes in their area? That would enable them to get to places off the bus route or at more convenient times. Might soften the blow somewhat.

[PerfectlyDone]

Report anonymously to the DVLA.
I agree, there is no dilemma - it is the only responsible course of action.

Do it now BEFORE somebody comes to harm, one of your parents or somebody else

[INeedNewShoes]

You'd be amazed at the driving that can pass the test if a re-assessment is required but the thing to do is to put it in the hands of the officials anyway. At least then it is on their head to make the decision.

[WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo]

Definitely report them. It just isn't worth the risk of someone being hurt.

[PotteringAlong]

It won’t look like a dilemma if they kill someone. Report them.

[TwigTheWonderKid]

You know what you have to do.

[expatinscotland]

Report them to the DVLA, please. There's an 18-year-old girl buried in the same cemetery where DD1 rests. She was killed by an elderly driver who mistook first gear for reverse and whose reactions were too slow to stop before he hit her. I cry when I go see my daughter's resting place, she died from cancer, but I have heard that girl's poor mother wailing. This could all have been avoided. That is the reality of people who are unfit to drive being on the road, at any age, hell, look at that bin lorry driver who lied about blacking out and killed 6 people in Glasgow.

This isn't a dilemma. Drivers like this kill people.

[DamsonGin]

We've had that with FIL (encouraged to keep driving by MIL). If they won't listen to straight talking then yes, you'll need to report them. We've got to the point where he has stopped driving, with the clear understanding that if he does again, we're contacting DVLA.

[TheHodgeoftheHedge]

Please I beg you to report them anonymously to the dvla. We had exactly the same problem with my grandfather and before we had decided to "shop him", he had a massive crash. Thankfully into a stationary truck which wrote off his car. No one else was hurt and god only knows how he survived with barely a scratch on him. I was only a teen then but I still feel guilty that he was even still on the road then. It could have been so so different.

[user1499114292]

We had to report my father, and he had his licence withdrawn. I do think it was a relief in the end for him, though they struggled to adapt to begin with. He did say the official who he spoke with was very nice, complemented him on nearly 75years of more or less trouble free driving and that this would be a perfect time to stop. Dad accepted this and left with his dignity intact, feeling it was all ok. This was a huge relief, and I can only admire the people skills this gentleman brought to the process.

[underneaththeash]

Could you encourage them to have their eyes tested? If they are below driving standard, we (optometrists) have a legal obligation to inform the DVLA if we the no patients with vision below driving standard are continuing to drive.

If they won't go, you can get them to check themselves, they have to be able to read a number plate at 20 metres. They also legally have to inform the DVLA if they have certain eye conditions...you can go down the 'your insurance isn't valid if your eyesight doesn't reach acceptable levels' route
I've only had to report one patient in 20 years, most do back down if they are told straight.

[annandale]

Sorry, you must shop them. We had this with MIL and I'm still angry that when I came back whitefaced after a short drive with MIL and ds in the back seat (she hadn't driven us anywhere for years and i was bounced into it and too chicken to refuse on the spot) dh told me it had been a test to find out whether she should be driving and FIL wanted my opinion! To do them justice I only had to give my opinion to dh and dh only had to tell FIL, after which it was sorted. But if it hadn't been, I would have told the dvla or written to her GP. It certainly is hard face to face, and it sounds like telling the authorities would be more effective anyway.

A good test is whether you would happily see your children driven off in the car with them. If not, well, what makes other people's children so much less important than yours?

[mehimthem]

My Mum is 87 & I recently urged her to stop driving. This was met with huge resistance as a loss of her independence, but in the end I went to her GP (who she sees frequently for various reasons) & he told her to stop. Luckily for me that has worked - as she & I (usually very close) just seemed to be at an impasse & were arguing around & around the same thing.
Is it possible for you to talk with your parents GP too, someone they might consider to have more authority & would be listened to (meant from a generational perspective where many considered a Dr "to know best").
I dont live in UK so different org'ns to report to - but when my Mum mentioned that one leg often went completely numb, she was suffering frequent vertigo, & with a range of heart conditions I told her that her lack of independence didnt rate as high as my safety as another driver or children crossing the road (words to that effect) so it didnt go down well. Good luck.

[PerfectlyDone]

This must be a hard thread to read
It is heartbreaking when our parents are beginning to fail and we are forced in to the responsible, 'parental' role.

As I said upthread, I agree with everybody else in reporting them - OR you could do what we did when my gran showed absolutely no insight in to how dangerous she was becoming on the roads and disconnect their car's battery : "Oh dear, gran, the car has died, what a shame. Ah, well, you'll not want the expense of another one, will you? Here is the local taxi company's tel number - imagine how many taxi rides you can afford for the cost of running a car!" It worked a treat, she accepted that 'fate' had intervened and it was not 'meant' for her to still be driving. She had been in her late 80s at that point. And lived to 102... I shudder to think what might have happened had she continued to drive.

[swimster01]

This system is just all wrong isn't it - I know older drivers are subject to increased checks over the age of 70 but it just isn't enough

[Pasithea]

I have just stopped DM. Spoke to GP and Dvla. Both really good about it especially GP. But they knew I was an OO and knew she couldn’t see well enough.

[cantkeepawayforever]

GP is a good route, because they HAVE to (have a legal responsibility to) report to the DVLA if their patient is unfit to drive.

They even have to report it if they know that the patient should report it themselves but hasn't / refuses to - so the patient's wishes cabn't over-rule the medical judgement.

Optometrists have the same duty, full document here so if the main issue is eyesight, you could discuss it with whoever does their eye tests and take it from there.

There used to be a form on the DVLA website that you could fill in anonymously with concerns, but I can't relocate it.

[DarthNigel]

Thanks for the responses-I know I have to do it. Their doctors have just merged with about 6 other practices to make one massive practice and they rarely see the same one (or know who half of them are) so I'm not sure that would work.
They have their eyes down via NHS so probably don't have regular normal eye tests iyswim -they get treated for the problems with their eyes rather than have the working vision tests and probably feel that's enough.

I think I'm going to just have to call the dvla I know it's the right thing but I will feel guilty about it in terms of my parents and how they will feel. But of course better than someone dying.

[PerfectlyDone]

GP is a good route, because they HAVE to (have a legal responsibility to) report to the DVLA if their patient is unfit to drive.

Gps have the legal obligation to advise patients not to drive if they are medically unfit and if they see somebody driving who has been told not to, to inform the police and DVLA.
Every driver has the legal obligation to ensure that they are fit to drive every time they get behind the wheel.

The problem obviously arises when people either a. don't have the insight to know they are not fit to drive (dementia or other causes of confusion) or b. when they ignore medical advice (common!).

Good luck, DarthNigel