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Do I accept this money?

(26 Posts)
CaulkheadNorth Sun 09-Apr-17 15:00:33

I'm no contact with my parents, and have been for two years. Occasionally I get a text from my mum but nothing from my dad. Then, last week I had an email from him, to my work email, offering me £1000, no strings attached.

I'm desperate for money and part of me thinks it makes sense to accept it, if only to be used to pay for the therapy I have due to the parents. The other part of me thinks it's right to not, I chose to be no contact and so I shouldn't accept it.
What would you do?

tribpot Sun 09-Apr-17 15:03:43

I would be very wary that it really is no strings attached. I'm assuming you are NC for a reason.

Joffmognum Sun 09-Apr-17 15:04:29

I'd accept it. If you feel weird about it, don't spend it for a while, just let it sit in an account until you feel better about it. I'm NC with my dad and he transferred me £1000 when I had a baby - I felt weird about it to.

They've probably come into some money and it's of no hindrance to them to give some to their daughter. With my dad it was an attempt to get me to contact him and meet his grandchild, but if they barely text/email you then I wouldn't think too much of it.

Keep it.

gamerchick Sun 09-Apr-17 15:04:43

Id take it me.

There is never no strings attached though. Are you strong enough to take it and not look back. Don't sign anything type of thing, no bank transfers or checks. Just cash with no paper trail?

Joffmognum Sun 09-Apr-17 15:05:26

If you suspect they may want something else for it, don't spend it straight away so you cam give it back if necessary. I don't know them well enough to say.

CaulkheadNorth Sun 09-Apr-17 15:05:48

I feel like replying means acknowledging that he can contact me on that email, which clearly he has found by searching my name - it's on my work website etc.
I just know that the money would make such a difference.

Haffdonga Sun 09-Apr-17 15:08:12

There's no such thing as a gift of money with no strings attached even if those strings are ones that come from your own feelings..

user1476185294 Sun 09-Apr-17 15:08:55

That's difficult. I'm close to going low contact with my parents (to weak to go NC). And like you £1000 would make a huge difference to us financially. So hard.

Will £1000 ever appear, my Father likes to 'offer' money, which he could easily afford but short of me begging on his doorstep and giving him a power trip it would never turn up. Basically will he had it over, no strings or would it fuel whatever behaviour has happened in the past? And were the issues causing no contact BIG enough to override your current financial situation? If we're talking food in kids bellies then I'd take it, insisting no change to situation, no meeting up just transfer the money. If it meant a holiday this year, I'd probably ignore (as much as sun would be great).

Haffdonga Sun 09-Apr-17 15:10:22

I feel like replying means acknowledging that he can contact me on that email

And there's the string.

HecateAntaia Sun 09-Apr-17 15:11:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VimFuego101 Sun 09-Apr-17 15:13:25

What Haffdonga said. It's not 'no strings attached', it's bait to lure you into acknowledging him.

thebakerwithboobs Sun 09-Apr-17 15:13:31

Take the money and block his email address.

Disclaimer, I am a mercinary wench

TupperwareTat Sun 09-Apr-17 15:16:02

I know this isnt ideal, & I am serious but a 0% credit card would be about £28 a month to pay that off. (I owe £500 & pay £14)

I would much rather do that than take the money.

I think he would throw it back in your face.

Ive had people do this to me. "I thought you would be nicer as we lent you some money" "I will tell you when you can change your car, as I paid a third of it"

I say no now.

UptownFlunk Sun 09-Apr-17 15:19:25

No, no, no, no, no. This is most certainly not 'no strings attached'. Before you know it you will be back in the position you have worked hard to escape from. No contact means no contact, it takes a lot to go no contact so I presume you have good reason for being so, if you take the money you will have made a big error.

CaulkheadNorth Sun 09-Apr-17 15:25:57

We're not talking no food in kids bellies, but relying on payday loads and not a good enough crddit rating for a new credit card.

I miss them a lot (or rather, miss what I would like them to be like) and sometimes I panic when there is something like this as I can't tell whether I just want the money, or hope that they have changed.

I may not be making sense...

Joffmognum Mon 10-Apr-17 02:10:31

It really depends on what they're like as people. I again recommend accepting it and not spending it yet so you can give it back if they demand something in return. Open a separate bank account if you can't trust yourself not to spend it straight away.

HairsprayQueen Mon 10-Apr-17 05:03:32

When I read the title with no contest I thought why wouldn't anyone accept money.

However, after reading your post I really don't know if I could in this situation.

Did your father give any background or reasons why he was going to give you it?

It seems like a really odd offer, especially if they are bad enough that you feel you've had to go no contact with them, it feels suspicious and as others have said, there are definite catches.

CaulkheadNorth Mon 10-Apr-17 12:16:01

He said he'd been saving.
Saving that amount won't have been easy, parents have always been on low income and now on state pension.

WatchingFromTheWings Mon 10-Apr-17 12:33:26

In your situation I wouldn't reply or take the money. There's always strings attached though it may not become immediately apparent. Could be years down the line!

My own 'D'M who I'm now NC with couldn't even LOAN money without there being implied conditions.

notanurse2017 Mon 10-Apr-17 12:47:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Catam Mon 10-Apr-17 12:53:29

Like others I would be wary. My ex sent numerous gifts through the post to me. I ignored all but still got an email later (after 6mnths nc on my side) asking me to pretend we were still together and attend his dad's birthday!

On the other hand, I refused parental help for ages but once I felt strong enough, I found a new more balanced relationship with my DPs, and (later) accepted their help and have been able to maintain healthy boundaries.

However! My issue was feeling beholden not that they put restrictions on money given or lent. When I got over that and stopped thinking about my siblings taking help I was ok.

Taking help when we feel vulnerable can often make us feel more vulnerable if we don't trust in the person helping's intentions.

If you feel like taking a step in the direction of reconciliation, accepting the money as a loan (& putting money away to pay back if things go pear shaped) could be a way forward.

Once I'd paid back a loan and 'proved' to myself and my DPs that I could and they showed no interest in controlling that money/me, I felt better about myself, my DPs and my choices about accepting gifts in the future.

It's a hard decision but don't feel you have to be y/n right now, you could be a 'maybe', take it as a loan, take it & save to pay back, take it and nc, take it and low contact etc etc

You could also accept in one form or another but add that contact via work was inappropriate - perhaps create an email just for DP then you could choose when you check it/what contact you have.

I am very happy to now have a better relationship with my DPs but I know that's also because deep down they are good people, you will know your own DP and relations best yourself.

I wish you all the best - not easy!

CaulkheadNorth Mon 10-Apr-17 12:59:49

Thank you for all the replies. I am glad to hear that it is mixed and others also understand.

aniceglassofchianti Mon 10-Apr-17 13:03:23

take the money

ofudginghell Mon 10-Apr-17 13:09:11

I wouldn't take the money op,sorry.
Had he not of emailed you out of the blue offering £1000 you wouldn't be thinking of the things it would help as you wouldn't know about the offer.

I'm a stubborn goat though and would rather sit and work out a total budget plan to stop using payday loans etc etc than ever accept money off of someone,especially someone you say has caused you to need therapy and you are no with.

TinyPawz Mon 10-Apr-17 13:32:14

I agree with BakerwiththeBoobs

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