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Abortion at 12 weeks?

(21 Posts)
Hgmother Tue 21-Feb-17 10:39:53

I have severe hyperemesis, I've been admitted to hospital multiple times and the medication doesn't work longer than a few days.

I have a 2.5 year old dd who I've barely seen for 8 weeks, I can barely look after her, I can't make her food (or barely even get ready made food that my dp has made out of the fridge). I miss her so much and she's suffering.

My dp had depression and anxiety issues and he's really struggling to cope, like really struggling, he's doing everything.. and on top of that he some how needs to work. He's self employed so no work = no money, we're absolutely broke now because of the hyperemesis. We have no car, we need to move (no room for even a moses basket upstairs because our house is so tiny).

So, with every reason we decided to have a termination. The problem is I keep picturing my dd scan pictures at the same age and it's weighing really heavily on me. I have to have a scan tomorrow at the clinic and I know I won't see it but I already know what it looks like at 12 weeks (11 now, 12 at termination)... I'm not even sure what i'm asking, any one else been through this? What happened? TIA. (Please, please don't bash me, I couldn't take it right now)

peukpokicuzo Tue 21-Feb-17 10:49:07

Sorry no experience or advice but didn't want to read and run.

No one has any right to judge you. You are in a heartbreaking position where there isn't an option that isn't awful and you just have to get through it in whatever way you can.

flowers

PhoebeGetsIt Tue 21-Feb-17 10:49:36

Im sorry you have to go through this. It sounds like you are dealing with a lot. If the treatment for hyperemesis is not working then your going to struggle through most of your pregnancy. Do you have any support. Is your dh getting help for the depression?
I had an abortion at aged 17. I was a total wreck afterwards. Especially as I felt I had no choice (boyfriend was the biggest fucking coward ever, going to uni, didnt want to upset his mum etc). It was at 9 weeks. I no longer struggle with it now because looking back I know it was the right choice.
If you are 100% certain this is what you want then do whats best for you and your family. There is no shame in terminating. flowers

Somerville Tue 21-Feb-17 10:57:35

It might help you to accept this if you are certain you've gone through every treatment option first. Has your consultant discussed these? Ondansetron. Steroids. Rehydration at home on a drip. (Probabaly others too - those are what ultimately worked for my friend.)

Did you get HG first time round and if so, how long did it last?

flowers for you.

Hgmother Tue 21-Feb-17 11:35:32

Thanks for all your replies.
My treatment options are almost at the point where I need constant hospital admission (at least for a few weeks or so). I can't do that, it's just us to look after our daughter. Also I did have it with my dd but it wasn't this bad (1 hosp admission, medication worked) but it lasted 9 months.
I know I need to go ahead with it and I knew I'd struggle. I almost wish I'd thought about it a few weeks ago when it was in the embryo stage, I would have probably found it easier. I can't change that though obviously! So hopefully I won't be a wreck afterwards :/ does everywhere offer councilling after a termination or just some places? I'm under a private clinic funded by nhs

PhoebeGetsIt Tue 21-Feb-17 15:24:07

You can request counciling but you could be in for a wait. You are doing what's best for you and your family x

ITGurl Tue 21-Feb-17 15:32:03

It sounds like you are unsure if its the right thing to do.
If you terminate, its permanent, but the hyperemesis issue is temporary and you are probably almost at the end of it anyway. Is that the only reason to terminate and can you work again once the hyperemesis lifts?

Or is there potentially more issues down the line with having another baby in a few months? Will your family be in a better position to support the baby or is the future the same as now financially?

I think you should work out the pros and cons for right now, but also for in 6 or 7 months time. It might be hard to see the bigger picture from the place you are in right now.

Hgmother Tue 21-Feb-17 17:41:48

I know its the right thing to do, it's just really hard. Especially knowing exactly what it looks like on a scan picture now... I mean it didn't put doubts in my head persay but I am deeply upset by the whole thing. I think I probably just needed reassuring that considering my circumstances I'm doing the right thing. Thanks again all

picklemepopcorn Tue 21-Feb-17 17:50:55

If you are sure, then yes.
If you have checked out all options for support (family nearby?) and treatment.
Are you sure you don't have pre natal depression?

I could have had a termination with DS2, because I was sick as a dog and depressed. I was lucky. Support was such that we coped, is would have regretted it bitterly, as he was a planned and longed for baby. It was depression talking, in my case.

What ever choice you make, it will be the best one you could make in your own situation, and you must never regret it.

PhoebeGetsIt Tue 21-Feb-17 18:14:55

I wish I could hug you through the screen OP. flowers

RebelRogue Tue 21-Feb-17 18:25:39

flowersflowers for you op x was this baby planned?
Please don't feel guilty. You have a child already,and she needs you. It's not anyone's fault that you are so ill and things are so bad right now. While the pregnancy will pass,but at what cost financially and mentally, you still won't have enough room or money for another baby. And that's ok.
If it helps,even at 12 weeks,it's still not a fully formed baby,it could not survive outside the womb,even with the most outstanding care and equipment.
It's an absolutely awful situation and i really feel for you. Hugs x

Chinnygirl Tue 21-Feb-17 18:25:48

No experience but don't feel bad if you choose for the termination. Loads of people have miscarriages at this stage. I know a termination is a choice but how much choice do you have if your family is suffering because of this?

I wish you strength. flowers

ihatethecold Tue 21-Feb-17 18:43:29

I had a termination at 12 weeks it was ok.
I was given a GA and recovered very quickly.
But.... I knew it was the right thing for me.
I don't regret my decision because my situation was not ideal at all to have a second child.

I feel for you op. You're in a difficult position.
Please don't feel guilty. There is no point. You have to look after yourself either way.

Hgmother Tue 21-Feb-17 18:49:49

Thanks every one you've all been so so supportive.
picklemepopcorn I pretty sure I dont have ante natal depression, I had it with my daughter so I think I'd recognise the signs but that was a really good point to make so thank you.
rebelrogue yeah it was planned, which makes it worse in a way. We would have been totally fine if it wasn't for me being so ill, all of our savings have gone now. Thanks for what you said about 12 week thing. It has made me feel slightly better how you worded it. The guilt about it being 12 weeks has been awful.

One of the worst things is everyone knows I'm pregnant because I couldn't hide it, now I'll have to lie about losing it because I just can't face the judgement of people knowing about the termination.

Thanks all once again, all of you have helped me through this dark moment a lot

redfairy Tue 21-Feb-17 18:50:37

OP I was in your shoes about 15 years ago. I made the decision to terminate for the sake of my family and to preserve my own fragile state of mind. I was 15 weeks gone. I always knew it was the right thing to do but I still felt sad and that's OK. It really is OK. flowers

JonSnowsWhore Tue 21-Feb-17 18:52:13

Do you definitely want another baby? Now or in the future? It's a horrible situation to be in, this pregnancy is bloody killing me at the moment I've gone from severe sickness, to now still being sick, heartburn, spd already, and I do completely sympathise with you because out of all of it the sickness is/was definitely the worst part of it all.

The only reason I asked about you wanting another baby, is if you have the termination, but then the desire for another one is still there, you may end up going through all of this again because you desperately want another baby, and then you've sort of suffered for these 3 months for nothing & will have to go through it all again. If you could take or leave having another then you'd be making the right decision for your family now, and no one should judge you for that.

Sorry hope that makes sense I tend to ramble on! X

autumnmonths Tue 21-Feb-17 18:58:52

I haven't got any wise words but you really need to do what is right for you and your family now. It's not an easy decision and you're not taking it lightly so you have no reason to beat yourself up. I think you need to speak to a professional afterwards to help you release the guilt because they will help you realise that there should be no guilt if you're making the decision that you can at that time. Good luck and I hope you're ok.

derxa Tue 21-Feb-17 19:07:56

{flowers] I know how horrible hyperemesis is. I think you want to keep the baby. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Leviticus Tue 21-Feb-17 20:01:28

HG is awful, it takes you to some really dark places and I really sympathise.

I see that this isn't your only consideration but presumably you had worked through the other issues somewhat as you say the baby was planned?

Your OP reads as though this baby is wanted and would be loved by you all. The potential for a life of pain and regret looks huge to me. Please consider every other option you have in terms of medication and help. Could your DH claim carer's allowance temporarily to see you through?

As a PP has said this is final and permanent while your circumstances, however awful (and I do believe you - you sound so desperate) will change. Your DD will not be neglected and won't remember this, honestly.

An abortion is such a huge, huge thing. The done thing these days is to say it's just a choice that you can make and move on from but I disagree. I say that without any judgement on you OP and I wish you the very best flowers.

RebelRogue Tue 21-Feb-17 20:14:59

Hg i thought it might be planned,and why this is so much harder. You probably bonded already and see it as your baby,but the truth is it's only about 2 inches long and around half an ounce.
Sounds like you planned and prepared for everything except being so ill,and how could you have known?
The true question here is..can you live with it? We can say it's not your fault and that there's nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about and that is true. But what do you think? How do you feel? Is knowing you're making the right choice enough to get you through it?

Hgmother Sun 26-Feb-17 16:45:20

Sorry I didn't reply sooner, ended up in hospital again.
I have to wait 2 weeks for the termination now, so 3 weeks in total. It's dragging immensly. I think I can live with it mainly because it's damaging my family.
My partner is really struggling, he even told me off a few times today but he's really stressed out so I dont blame him.
I almost wish it was this week not next but I feel so awful for thinking that :/ thanks again for your replies.

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