I hate to write this but I need to get it out. I only talk to one person about it and I don't like putting all on her and nobody else knows.
Thing is that last year my husband started acting strange and I was worried because I thought he was depressed. He left the house and left me alone with the 3 kids even though he would come round every 2 to 3 days. There was no official split but he said he was unhappy and doesn't know what to do. We was still intimate and he still said he loved me dearly but just needed some space. A few months before he left I was pregnant with our 4th child. He was so upset about the pregnancy as we had money troubles and we couldn't afford another baby and even though I wanted to keep the baby he made it so miserable insisting I end the pregnancy that I stupidly listened to him and had a termination. While he was away, we was supposedly trying to work on things and I battled to keep us together. He was acting very strange for a while and I knew something wasn't right. He then told me that he had done something stupid and had had sex with someone and got her pregnant and she was due in a 3 months. He said he had told her he didn't want another family but she was determined to have the baby. I was so devastated I really contemplated running away and at one point felt quite suicidal although I would never tell him that. He destroyed me. He was very regretful and hated what he had done and become. I decided to get on with life and try to move on but I loved him dearly and didn't want to lose my family. He then said he wanted to try and give our marriage a go. I agreed. This was made easier for the fact that the girl did not make any contact to say the child was born and this was now 3 months down the line. Then I found out that this girl was someone I knew of and I knew liked him for a long time. But I am firstly confused why she all of a sudden doesn't want him to be involved. She has now blocked his number. He tried to call to find out about the child but she talked to him very briefly then blocked him. I actually don't care about this but I am desperately trying to get my marriage back on track and it is going well considering but struggling to come to terms with this child being out there and that she may decide to suddenly appear any time she wants. I have enough to contend with trying to move on from the hurt he has caused and it will take all my strength to forgive him and a long long time to trust in him in that way again. But to get through this I feel she needs to either stay away now or come forward and get the discussions over and done with. But there is nothing. I'm just so frustrated right now.
Ethical dilemmas
My husband had a baby for another woman
Beigemum · 13/01/2017 18:56
I have no good advice but I'm reading and sending an un mn hug and 
that goes sound very hard. It must be very difficult having that uncertainty
OP.
Many things you said struck me but one was that you're desperately trying to make the marriage work. Why isn't it your dh who is desperate for this? And what's he doing to show that desperation to save your marriage?
I think for you to move forward, as another poster said you need to be prepared to acknowledge, accept and forgive the fact that he went awol on you, pressured you into a termination while simultaneously having a child with another woman. That kind of acceptance and forgiveness doesn't happen overnight and nor should it. There is no point being "stiff upper lip" in this situation.
Your dh likes to bury his head in the sand. He should be proactively reaching out to the ow and telling you what is going on. Rather than you guessing.
It's not your mess to fix, don't rush to make it "alright" when you already have enough on your plate with 3 children, the loss of your baby and the loss of support from your dh.
Absolutely awful for you. . It sounds a bit like your DH had a mid life crisis that has unfortunately resulted in a new baby.
I do know of friends that managed to get past a mid life affair via a lot of counselling. And lots of Frank and open talk and listening to each other. But they didn't have the added complication of baby.
In your shoes I'd first have to think hard about whether I could get past this. Or if I want to. Then if you do you need to really talk to your DH, maybe via Relate for support, and get it all out together. Current feelings, what lead up to the affair, everything, so that nothing is left as a secret or for brooding over. And then try to address the what-ifs re the new baby.
It was a long and hard process for my friends but they did manage to get past it. But it took both being prepared to talk and admit to feelings and actions. And to hear upsetting things too. For them it worked and they are solid.
I hope things can work out for you whichever choice you make.
It sounds harsh to say it but you need to stop focusing on what she's done and focus on what your dh has done. After all, he's the only one who owes you anything. She could have put it out there for him ever which way but he is still at fault. To focus on anyone else is denying the truth of your situation.
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.