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My husband had a baby for another woman

(82 Posts)
Beigemum Fri 13-Jan-17 18:56:31

I hate to write this but I need to get it out. I only talk to one person about it and I don't like putting all on her and nobody else knows.
Thing is that last year my husband started acting strange and I was worried because I thought he was depressed. He left the house and left me alone with the 3 kids even though he would come round every 2 to 3 days. There was no official split but he said he was unhappy and doesn't know what to do. We was still intimate and he still said he loved me dearly but just needed some space. A few months before he left I was pregnant with our 4th child. He was so upset about the pregnancy as we had money troubles and we couldn't afford another baby and even though I wanted to keep the baby he made it so miserable insisting I end the pregnancy that I stupidly listened to him and had a termination. While he was away, we was supposedly trying to work on things and I battled to keep us together. He was acting very strange for a while and I knew something wasn't right. He then told me that he had done something stupid and had had sex with someone and got her pregnant and she was due in a 3 months. He said he had told her he didn't want another family but she was determined to have the baby. I was so devastated I really contemplated running away and at one point felt quite suicidal although I would never tell him that. He destroyed me. He was very regretful and hated what he had done and become. I decided to get on with life and try to move on but I loved him dearly and didn't want to lose my family. He then said he wanted to try and give our marriage a go. I agreed. This was made easier for the fact that the girl did not make any contact to say the child was born and this was now 3 months down the line. Then I found out that this girl was someone I knew of and I knew liked him for a long time. But I am firstly confused why she all of a sudden doesn't want him to be involved. She has now blocked his number. He tried to call to find out about the child but she talked to him very briefly then blocked him. I actually don't care about this but I am desperately trying to get my marriage back on track and it is going well considering but struggling to come to terms with this child being out there and that she may decide to suddenly appear any time she wants. I have enough to contend with trying to move on from the hurt he has caused and it will take all my strength to forgive him and a long long time to trust in him in that way again. But to get through this I feel she needs to either stay away now or come forward and get the discussions over and done with. But there is nothing. I'm just so frustrated right now.

Beigemum Sat 14-Jan-17 07:21:46

Anybody out there

Prettybaffled Sat 14-Jan-17 07:23:50

I have no good advice but I'm reading and sending an un mn hug and flowers that goes sound very hard. It must be very difficult having that uncertainty

SmallBee Sat 14-Jan-17 07:25:21

I've no advice but just wanted to bump the thread for you. So sorry you are going through this.

Do you want your DH to be involved with his other child? What does your DH want?

ClaudiaWankleman Sat 14-Jan-17 07:26:56

He made you contemplate suicide. Husbands don't do that.

I would really recommend you go speak to your GP and explain everything you have said as I think you may be depressed.

I also think you have to leave him. It's not your mess, but it is severely affecting your quality of life. You don't have to do it straight away and you have time to collect money and other necessary things. But don't stay and be so cruelly hurt anymore.

tattiehat Sat 14-Jan-17 07:28:41

Not much advice here either, a really difficult situation to be in. You have decided to give him another chance so I think you have to try and focus on your own family as much as you can. It's likely the OW will get back in touch sometime. Is your OH supporting this baby financially?

Fairybella Sat 14-Jan-17 07:30:41

You and your children deserve so much better sport this happened to you

sandgrown Sat 14-Jan-17 07:30:43

It sounds strange she did not contact your DH when the child was born . Is there a possibility someone else could be the father? If your husband wants a relationship with the child he needs to contact the woman. I think that unless you can find out for definite it is his child (DNA) it will always be there in the background and affect your relationship. The child may also come looking for their father when they are old enough.

TellMeHowToLiveMyLife Sat 14-Jan-17 07:30:57

That sounds awful, I'm sorry you're going through this and your husband is a monumental shit. I can't imagine wanting to make a marriage work after that.

I couldn't quite work out timings. Did this other woman fall pregnant after your DH had left you or did he leave because other woman was pregnant?

What did she talk to him about when she spoke to him briefly on the phone? Did she confirm baby is his? Does he pay child maintenence or visit the child or has she blocked all contact?

PastysPrincess Sat 14-Jan-17 07:32:25

What an awful situation; I'm so sorry this is happening to you. The only advice I can offer is that you speak to your go and see if you can get some counselling.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder Sat 14-Jan-17 07:36:40

That's a lot to get your head around OP. I'm sorry he's done this to you.

It sounds like you basically want to be able to pretend that his child does not exist and that you are pinning your hopes for fixing the marriage on this. Putting aside his infidelity, can you really love and respect a man who will deny his own child? Nobody can guarantee that the OW will not come back on the scene at some point. She is entitled to receive maintenance from your husband for a start and he ought to gladly contribute to the upbringing of a child he created. Also, the child may want to get in touch one day to try and know it's father. Would the two of you just ignore them? Even though this would inevitably cause anguish to a truly blameless person? What about your own children? They have a half sibling who is their own flesh and blood.

If you are prepared to take him back then you are a brave woman indeed. But it needs to be on the basis that he does have another child. Not if it only works if you ignore that very huge piece of information. You may want it all to just go away but it doesn't work like that and secrets like these have ripples for generations. Your children, and your husband's other child, are relying on you both to handle this properly otherwise you are potentially storing up trouble for their futures.

LonginesPrime Sat 14-Jan-17 07:42:05

Sorry you're going through this, OP.

Assuming the baby is his, then if you're going to continue to have a relationship with this man, I think you have to accept the fact that he has another child that he's responsible for.

Now, he comes with another child in tow, whether the mother wants him to be involved with him at the moment or not. If you stay with him, you're potentially taking on the responsibility of this other child long-term, including the financial burden that comes with that.

Even if the other mother decides not to have him involved at the moment, anything could happen to make her change her mind about approaching the CSA for child maintenance (not least when she realises how expensive raising kids can be..).

From what you've said, it seems that your husband pressured you into having a termination because he felt he couldn't afford to raise a child and then tied himself in financially to raising a child with another woman. I wouldn't be sticking around under those circumstances personally, but if you do, you'll need to accept this.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder Sat 14-Jan-17 07:43:02

Sorry if my post sounds harsh - it's not intended to. I just think you have to consider the wider implications. Without going into it, my parents have "fixed" their marriage with no thought to anybody else and it's their children who have actually ended up bearing the brunt of the problems so I'm looking at this more from your children's point of view Also I think your husband needs to insist on a DNA test. There's a chance the child isn't even his.

myoriginal3 Sat 14-Jan-17 07:43:53

Sounds like she knows he's a shit and is moving on.
I doubt she will come looking for him.
Not much addition is he?

Goodfood1 Sat 14-Jan-17 07:53:18

wow you are going through so much that it is really hard to give advice.
What sticks out to me is he cruelly convinced you to have a termination but he didn't support you emotionally through this, that's not love. Secondly the other child does exist and you need to just accept that and accept that they may one day be back in your lives.
Everything theresabluebirdonmyshoulder said, the child is your children's sibling and you also know that you may see this person around. for these reason it needs to be accepted.
From this you can start moving forward on a long painful road, but if he does love you and you work through this together and with honesty you can do it.

Surreyblah Sat 14-Jan-17 07:57:54

Sorry he did all that to you.

He should seek an dna test and if the baby is his pay maintenance and pursue access to his DC. He owes that to his DC.

Blingygolightly Sat 14-Jan-17 07:58:26

flowers OP.

Many things you said struck me but one was that you're desperately trying to make the marriage work. Why isn't it your dh who is desperate for this? And what's he doing to show that desperation to save your marriage?

I think for you to move forward, as another poster said you need to be prepared to acknowledge, accept and forgive the fact that he went awol on you, pressured you into a termination while simultaneously having a child with another woman. That kind of acceptance and forgiveness doesn't happen overnight and nor should it. There is no point being "stiff upper lip" in this situation.

Your dh likes to bury his head in the sand. He should be proactively reaching out to the ow and telling you what is going on. Rather than you guessing.

It's not your mess to fix, don't rush to make it "alright" when you already have enough on your plate with 3 children, the loss of your baby and the loss of support from your dh.

Catsize Sat 14-Jan-17 08:03:20

This is an awful situation and I am so sorry about the termination.

One thing I do wonder, assuming this other woman really was pregnant, is whether the baby's father really is your husband? Was she potentially just saying that to get him to be with her and not you? That hasn't worked so she has cut contact with him. Just a thought.

SallyGinnamon Sat 14-Jan-17 08:04:47

Absolutely awful for you. flowers. It sounds a bit like your DH had a mid life crisis that has unfortunately resulted in a new baby.

I do know of friends that managed to get past a mid life affair via a lot of counselling. And lots of Frank and open talk and listening to each other. But they didn't have the added complication of baby.

In your shoes I'd first have to think hard about whether I could get past this. Or if I want to. Then if you do you need to really talk to your DH, maybe via Relate for support, and get it all out together. Current feelings, what lead up to the affair, everything, so that nothing is left as a secret or for brooding over. And then try to address the what-ifs re the new baby.

It was a long and hard process for my friends but they did manage to get past it. But it took both being prepared to talk and admit to feelings and actions. And to hear upsetting things too. For them it worked and they are solid.

I hope things can work out for you whichever choice you make.

Beigemum Sat 14-Jan-17 08:10:09

We did talk about what will happen with this child and when he spoke to her she was pissed off because I knew. They agreed to talk the following day about what happens next (dna and possible financial support etc.. ) but she blocked his phone as soon as he came off the phone to him. I take that as she clearly wants him to have no involvement but we are still aware that she could change her mind. He is willing to support this child financially and I know he may at some point want to see this child and although it would be easier for me if she disappeared, I also know it's something I will need to accept should it happen. My kids know nothing about this and I have made my decision that at the moment until we first know it's his and any arrangements have been established they will not know. If she decides she does not want him involved then they will never know, until they are much older that is. I just don't get why she would almost rip a family apart only to omit any contact after. It doesn't make sense. I keep telling myself that he left the house before he slept with her although I know they was talking before he left and common sense tells me there's a chance it wasn't just a one time occasion but I suppose it helps me to believe this. Neither of us will deny the possibility of the child being his if it/she shows up. I suppose I just need to feel that it's ok to try and make this marriage work and not feel like a complete fool for doing so. I just want to get through it and keep my kids and my family unit strong. I know this will take some work but it's what I hope for. My kids and my husband have a wonderful connection that's so strong and beautiful to watch. He adores our children and they him. Other than emotionally for a while he has never not supported his family in every way. He knows he's screwed up.. I guess it's just one huge almighty screw up and one I am now forced to live with if I want to keep the marriage

SallyGinnamon Sat 14-Jan-17 08:15:32

If you want to keep the marriage.

My worry is that if you just brush things under the carpet without actually trying to work things through it will continue to eat at you. And have a worse outcome in the long run. You talk about him being great with your DC but he needs to convince you that he wants you too.

AddToBasket Sat 14-Jan-17 08:19:45

Your kids need to know that they have a brother or sister.

You are in denial. The reason that the OW is cutting your DH out is probably because of how very badly he has treated her and his child. It sounds as though neither of you realise that YOUR family has just got bigger.

Beigemum Sat 14-Jan-17 08:21:43

There is a part of me that also believes that this woman wanted him for so long and although not sure she got pregnant on purpose (do women really do that), I do think that she was happy that she was pregnant for him and possibly believed that they would be together. But when she said she was pregnant he didn't want a family with her and that made her upset and angry and wanted nothing more to do with him. But it's still just too odd. She knew he was married and had a family and even if he had made her believe it was more which I don't think he did, I don't see why as a woman in your 30s you would expect something more from a married man with a family

Blingygolightly Sat 14-Jan-17 08:28:41

It sounds harsh to say it but you need to stop focusing on what she's done and focus on what your dh has done. After all, he's the only one who owes you anything. She could have put it out there for him ever which way but he is still at fault. To focus on anyone else is denying the truth of your situation. flowers

MrsWhiteWash Sat 14-Jan-17 08:28:52

even though I wanted to keep the baby he made it so miserable insisting I end the pregnancy that I stupidly listened to him and had a termination. While he was away, we was supposedly trying to work on things and I battled to keep us together... He then told me that he had done something stupid and had had sex with someone and got her pregnant and she was due in a 3 months. ... contemplated running away and at one point felt quite suicidal although I would never tell him that. He destroyed me.

He's treated you like shit then cheated on you - she clearly decided she doesn't want him so he's come crawling back. That what the read like to me anyway.

I think you need to think why you want this marriage to work - is it fear of splinting - he can still be a good father if you split.

If you do want this marriage to work - you need to talk about how he made you feel not ignore it - try some couple counselling like relate or something, Otherwise are you really sure he'll not decide he's unhappy in x months times treat you like crap again and then cheat again? What is he doing to keep you together - going to couple counselling would at least be a sign that he seriously wanted that.

It does sound unbelievable shit situation for you to find yourself in - but don't forget to to look after yourself in all this and work out what is best for you as well as everyone else.

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