I love my mum, but I don't like her!(6 Posts)
Long post- very sad.
All my life my mother has been abusive emotionally and mentally, at times even physically.
All through my childhood when an argument arose with my father & he could have said the slightest thing wrong, she would spend weeks causing an oppressive atmosphere in the family home refusing to be civil, physically trying to intimidate him by standing in his space often holding a knife up to him, walking round the house following him with a knife, shouting verbal abuse. She even turned on me a few times when I was a child. Her anger was irrational and deeply upsetting.
The feeling she created led me to try and commit suicide as a teenager. My parents eventually split. This became the worst period of my life. The verbal abuse I suffered because I was Genetically linked to my dad and wanted to maintain a relationship with him was unbearable. I had to move far away to cope. Her temper and abuse hasn't really subsided much as I've gotten older. I've always loved her and always will. But she is aggressive spiteful, bitter and abusive.
The biggest issue is that she denies ever having done any of these things. She denies stabbing my dad numerous times, she denies she has a temper. She denies ever having ever done anything wrong. You can never confront my mother with anything as she will never have been in the wrong. She's never at fault. I have a relationship with my mum it's quite strange as I can't leave her- I suspect it's because she is an abuser and has a hold over me.
She is now terminally I'll, but still she is the same poisonous person. She has hated every man I have ever been with because she hasn't been able to buy them like she buys a lot of people and all my boyfriends have stood up to her.
Now in her final few months of her life she has had a massive fall out with my husband. She tries to drive a wedge in my relationships and is able to hold me to ransome. I so desperately want to tell her how she has made me feel all my life and the bitter person she actually is, but I know it's futile and now she is going to die and I will be left without the mother I've always yearned for and unresolved issues.
It is complicated for sure. She is your mother and you need to respect her and to help her if she needs it. Allowing her to be involved in your relationships is a mistake. You are a grown up and it is only your decision what you will do with your life.
Just keep her away from your personal life. When you meet her try to be alone and do not share details. Do not let her affect your life.
You cannot really win in this situation because she will always find a way to create drama. It does not matter what you say to her, she will always defend her behaviour and shte will make it look like shte is right.
Just take care of her. That is the only thing that you can do to be the best daughter you can even she did not behave well. You being a good person and somebody else behaving not well are two absolutely different thing especially when it comes to family.
I could've written your post. Similar dynamics. Her aggressive/narcissistic behaviour contributed to my father's early death via a massive heart attack. She was physically cruel to me. Treated my siblings differently & rubbed my face in it when no one was around. This continued towards my Dh & children, then grandchildren. She developed early onset Alzhiemers. I helped look after her. I grudged every bit of contact, feeding, arsewipping chore I undertook for nearly 7yrs.
I loved her, but as a person, I couldn't stand her. Relatives & friends would tell me, "she's your mother, it's what you do".
She was never reconciled with her behaviour. Never accountable.
Now, after more than a year on mumsnet I'd tell my mum to fuck the fuck right away from me. That's just me. Maybe your a better/bigger human being than me
Jesus! I could have written the beginning of your post OP. People say 'you only get one mother' and in my case she only has one daughter and would do well to remember that. I can't even bare to be in the same room with my mother. There are so many family members that think she's great!
You are an adult and only you can make a decision OP.
Did she ever face justice for what she did? Did he tell the police?
There is no sense of justice for you. Not only did she abuse you, stab your father, make your early life full of fear, it sounds like she got away with it. She hasn't even acknowledged what she did and so will never apologise. And you are right, you were robbed of a loving mother.
Did you have any other family figures that were mother like to you? You may have someone else you could focus on as having been nurturing to you. Even someone who was only in your life for a short period of time. It may be there is someone around now who is able to fulfill that role to a certain extent. It's not a replacement of your mother, just another way to get that nurturing love from someone for who you are as a unique person deserving love for being you.
Also, in counselling you are taught to become your own mother so you sort of mother yourself the way you should have been mothered. If you haven't had counselling I would suggest it when you are ready.
Is there no chance you could have a calm conversation with her and tell her how she made you feel?
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