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My Dad wants to visit for two weeks

(2 Posts)
TartanOgopogo Tue 17-May-16 20:39:19

So I’m mum to a two year old boy and I live abroad. My husband’s family visits fairly regularly, sometimes for 1 month spells. I think it is great that they take such an interest in my son, and he loves seeing them. Overall it is an entirely positive experience for everyone.

Now here lies my problem. My Dad.

He last visited me 2 years ago and basically disinherited me.

It’s fair to say there was a bit of friction when he visited. Mainly because I had a new born and he did nothing to help. He didn’t like the food I cooked and yet wouldn’t bother getting his own food. He complained a lot. He also made fun of the way I spoke to my son when I was soothing his cries, mimicking me in a ridiculous voice. He also would scald him for crying and didn’t take me seriously when I told him to stop wobbling the pram from side to side (baby was scared and was only a couple of months old).

It all came to a head when one sleep deprived day at lunchtime I told him to work out how to use the microwave himself. I had been up since 5 and had just managed to sit down. He went crazy and stormed off to the room he was staying in.

Perhaps I said it with some level of attitude but I would like to think it would be forgivable given the circumstances. He then lay on the bed with his shoes on refusing to come out. I was confused as what to do, it was his final day and he was going to be flying home the following afternoon. After speaking to my husband (he tends to be better at diplomacy than me) I thought it was best if I took my son to see him and said “surely you don’t want to spend your last day like this, don’t you want to spend it with your grandson?”. He then shouted at me, called me for everything, he was spitting venom in my face. He said I was selfish and I cannot see anyone else’s point of view. I then said he was being ridiculous and childish (I did try to hold my tongue) and at that point he stormed out with his bags and left. I was left both confused and upset by this. Obviously my wee boy was very upset by this and this is what upset me the most. The fact he was shouting in my face whilst I was holding a tiny baby.

Later that day he came back from the airport and said he’d leave the following day. Perhaps the airport hotels were more expensive than he anticipated. To say things were awkward after he returned would be an understatement. I tried not to press too much given his previous behaviour but he never apologised and he said we were both to blame?! Apparently I had asked to many questions about my dead mother (who killed herself) and that had partly caused this. Previously he said my mother wouldn’t have killed herself if I hadn’t moved away. Thanks Dad!

I saw him briefly a year ago when I visited, and things were still awkward. He has still not apologised but I gather that I’m not disinherited anymore.

The problem now is he wants to visit later this year whilst my husband is away on business to “help”. The thing is I don’t need his kind of help but I don’t really want to cause friction. My brother says he misses us, but to be honest I don’t miss him. He was always angry and could sometimes be violent in childhood. My lasting memories of him on holidays is him being angry and shouting all the time. I wore ear phones a lot as a teenager to block it all out. I really don’t want my son to experience this nonsense too. All I want is a simple life. He also wants to bring his awful girlfriend this time. Her own daughter didn’t let her stay when her babies were born (her Dad stayed!) and she made her stay in a hotel.

Please could you offer suggestions on how to deal with this. I’ve tried googling but apparently my issues aren’t that common!

SapphireSeptember Sat 04-Jun-16 23:50:29

I know you posted this a while ago but I wouldn't let him stay. He needs to apologise for acting like a spoilt brat first. He may be your father, but that doesn't mean you owe him anything. And his 'help' sounds like he wants you to wait on him while you're trying to look after you son. He sounds absolutely horrible, to be frank, and I'm sorry you've had to put up with him your whole life. sad

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